The Smiler - Ride Reviews [Spoilers]

Scott said:

I know it's fairly impossible to tell considering people have ridden it maybe 3 times at most right now BUT for those that have been on, do we think it's going to be the kind of ride that is very re-ridable?

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I did consider not writing a review of some sort as I most certainly want to analyse as much of this attraction as I can; good, bad and the ugly too. I know many people will dislike the fact that I'd want to judge a ride on more than just the fourteen inversions, and I also know that we are still in the early days where people can claim the ride to be the best thing ever built in Europe (think back to when people were saying Swarm was better than every other coaster in the UK, then a few weeks later and hardly anybody was), but I'm not one to judge something based on where something is, who made it, etc... I'll judge it as fairly as I can and try and get in as much detail on everything. It may sound a little like a trip report to start with!



Build-up to Opening

Yesterday we got to the gates at around 9:15 and walked straight over to X-Sector. We'd already seen the "Smiler is closed" signs, but we ignored them and carried on after reading from many sources on the Internet now that Smiler would indeed be thrilling its first members of the public (outside of competition winners).

Upon reaching X-Sector, we were greeted by a mass of people. The Smiler staff, some members of management and a lot of members of the GP were all crowded around the entrance to X-Sector, waiting to hear if the rumours of The Smiler finally waking up were true or not. The staff were all saying the same, "it may open later in the day, but it might be worth sticking around anyway", etc... They were calm and managed to keep control of the already hefty crowd of people, and this carried on throughout the day, so I'd like to thank every member of staff for acting so professionally with such a difficult task at hand. Goodness knows what would have happened, had Smiler not opened!

We decided to try and squeeze in a ride on Th13teen but both Rita and Th13teen had broken down, so we rejoined the queue by the side of the Smiler at around 9:45am. Looking back, I'm glad Th13teen decided to throw a tantrum as we might have been further back in the queue for Smiler, had we been able to wait the full 25 minutes for it.

By now, two queues had been created at X-Sector; one for everything else, and one for the hopefuls. We were probably 5, 6 or 7 trains back from the very front so people were still not sure about whether it would or wouldn't be opening, though by that point we'd noticed that Alton Towers had set out a huge extended queue back up to the Towers like they had done for the 23rd "opening". We also spotted the "Smiler is closed" signs being moved out of X-Sector, so this made us want to stick around even more.

It was now around 10:30 and we were still queuing at the front of X-Sector whilst everyone else who had been waiting for the other three rides had now gone in and started queuing for them. This was when we spied one of the trains in the station disappear!

Everyone queuing moved up to the fences, and passersby began to stop to see what was happening, and suddenly a train popped out at the start of the first lift. Obviously this got everyone quite excited, and it only grew when the train started to climb the first lift. Watching it for the first time was a great feeling, and spotting another train exit the station felt even better! It tested for a good few minutes before we heard that it was the competition winners and some of the park's management who were the people on the first few trains to carry riders.

At around 12:00-12:30 (can't remember exactly when) the staff at the ride entrance let the first group of riders into the main queue beneath the ride. Before we moved in among the second group of people, we had a look back at the now massive queue that had built, right out of X-Sector and up to the Towers. We were pretty glad that we'd started to queue quite early!

Review Time!​

Outdoor Queue

Due to the cut-off nature of the Smiler, thanks to the way in which the park had constructed fences right from the entrance of X-Sector and all the way down and around to 'Buy the Smiler', the entrance really does stick out like a sore thumb. It's just a shapeless block of yellow that cuts straight through the fences, and besides the (overuse of) CCTV cameras, it really doesn't feel very X-Sector. Had the arch been shaped to look a little like Oblivion's or Black Hole's like the version found in the game, it might not have been so bad. It was also a pity that they left the back of the entrance sign exposed as it makes it look as flimsy as it all probably is when viewed from behind. Something to break-up the endless row of black mesh might have helped too (think a slab of concrete every so many black panels with a Smiler logo or something written into them, similar to those found in Oblivion's queue). The proposed viewing area wouldn't have gone amiss either.

The music is also something I'm not keen on either. It's pretty in-your-face due to how loud it is, and the amount of effects, change in pitch and the fact that it seeps over into the rest of X-Sector and Oblivion's queue line is quite annoying. I did originally state that I wanted something crazier for a new theme like an industrial version of the track played during the opening credits of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, mixed with the odd effect and a beat like Oblivion's, just slower differentiate it, but the end result is a little OTT. Standing listening to it for an hour will sear the stupid overplayed laughing noises into your head for a good while after.

Anyway, moving into the main queue for the first time, and it was difficult to get a real idea of how being stood in there for over an hour would feel due to the fact that we were some of the first in, so we were simply walking straight through the quicker route to the station. However, there were a few things I noted on my first time down there.

Besides having no idea regarding how far into the queue you are due to the fact that it's nothing but cattle pen, it's also very bland. The jet black panels covering the ride area doesn't help being stuck down there, and there's pretty bad drainage too, thanks to the flat-bottomed pit, very few grids and drain pipes on things like the kiosk which drain water off onto the floor rather than down a grid. Because they'd obviously tried to clean it before opening, there was a fairly big puddle covering a large part of the queue which took a while to go completely (considering it was warm and sunny for the entire day). The water had took a lot of dirt up, some of which had spattered all over the few pieces of theming (mainly the large, flimsy looking black chevrons that had been fitted to the floor by the station) and the yellow stickers on the sides of the pit. The dirt only highlighted the chevrons which don't look like they'll last very many seasons at all. BUT, at least they're there and they are one of very few elements which attempt to tie the Smiler with the rest of X-Sector.

On our second ride later in the day, we had the chance to experience every inch of the queue and if it hadn't been for the ride roaring overhead, it really would have been up there with Rita's queue for being utterly horrific. The design of the queue and the fact that you weave up then away from the ride and all over the show means you have no real idea where you are (as mentioned before), and adding a sea of people into the mix only worsens things. I'd advise anyone going to ride it to just keep looking up when you're in there, otherwise you may lose the will to live! It's a real shame that they didn't attempt to break-up the endless rows of fences, try and take the queue up to the toilet block and back down beside the first lift to give you a final overview of the attraction before heading into the station, and perhaps even take some of the queue over the staff road and into the surrounding woodland as some kind of extension (perhaps with some more themed indoor sections so it wouldn't feel so isolated). Thankfully the shop/kiosk helps to break things up, though getting close to that reveals just how awfully cheap that is too (such a shame the kiosk that once belonged to the Black Hole wasn’t cleaned and rethemed to be used). It’s yet another dense block of yellow with nothing but theming more black swirly stickers plastered over it to make it seem look a little less crap.
Perhaps even some stairs at certain points in the queue which would take guests up to platforms level with sections of the ride might have helped to give people better views of the ride, X-Sector and to also let people see riders as they sweep past (creating a different reaction for every guest and bringing a different dimension to the outdoor queue experience). They could certainly have done with a longer queue though, as any line above an hour will filter out into X-Sector and that could cause problems later on in the season.

Getting up-close to the station building only brings home just how hideous it is. It's nothing but a great big chunk of dirty grey concrete, mixed with grey metal panels and the odd yellow pipe to make it 'fit' with X-Sector. Apparently. It really doesn't do the huge tangle of track any justice at all.

But there are some really great plus points to being crammed under the ride. It really makes for some terrific photo opportunities down there (my favourite being the view of the second inverting drop when stood closer to the station entrance). The sound of the ride once it had warmed up a little and lost some of the screeching sound wasn't too bad either, though it's no roar. And anyone that enjoys a dramatic ride need look no further than when the ride ops are able to dispatch the trains at just the right time, as two duelling trains really do look marvellous (though the trains themselves aren't the best looking things in the world).

But the Marmaliser... Well it has its good points and it has some pretty bad points too (I'll get to how the ride interacts with it later). The screen already has dead pixels (as some may already know) and the cladding on the legs looks very cheap and flimsy, like laminated chipboard that's been dipped in gloss, or sheets of thin acrylic. And the effects themselves aren't too good either. From the paths in X-Sector, the hypnotiser leg and inoculator are the only two legs which look even remotely interesting. As for the rest, they may as well not even be there. For instance, the flasher, unless you're watching it, isn't noticeable at all. It's far too dull and many would want or expect it to have had a strobe effect, but it just turns on for a few seconds and then off again. The giggler is okay when there's no wind, but if there is, I doubt people will even be able to tell that leg actually does anything. The tickler is a very slow and cheap looking effect which could have continued Merlin Studios' (potential) aim for a ride with a bit of character through irony, silliness (see the TVs in the shop and before you enter the station) and satiric elements such as the hundreds of CCTV cameras which were hopefully purchased as a reference to things like Big Brother (not the show :I ), to mock the way in which modern society feels the need (or needs in some cases ) to monitor everything and to also suggest a mysterious and tyrannical higher power who feels the need to control everything (very X-Sector, though I'm pretty certain they could have achieved this effect in a more subtle manner).

That's not to say I dislike the Marmaliser, as I do like the pipes around the middle and the worn feet and hinges on the legs. Besides the effects, bins, pointless dishes and the cheap panels on the legs, it's unique and certainly helps to reflect the quirky nature of the ride. It could have been much better, but then again, it could have been much worse. Again, this statement can be used to describe what’s on the Marmaliser’s screens (you can actually say this for a lot regarding this attraction).



Indoor Queue

Upon reaching the station you’re greeted with a few TV monitors with made up warnings on them. It seems that someone was trying a little too hard to be funny with some of the messages on them, though I guess most will say it’s all hilarious and ‘works well’ with the crazy nature of the ride. You then enter through another yellow wedge (one of two wedges depending on which queue you were in). There are two sets of plastic strips that hang down (there’s probably a name for them but I don’t currently know ) like those used on Sub Terra to keep light out, for what’s inside is a projection mapping room! I quite liked this room. It’s by no means well-themed (all that’s in there are a few quirky plastic shapes, speakers, projectors and some funky scif-fi stickers on the walls), but the projection mapping, audio and darkness bring it to life quite effectively. It was quite refreshing to see something new at a UK theme park, and I particularly enjoyed it due to the variation in animation, as well as the fact that they’d been able to achieve such nice effects with such little tech in such a confined space.

I was particularly glad that they’d not used that room for some sort of pre-show, as there’s nothing worse than being force-fed a story with some attractions that rely on mystery. X-Sector as a whole is a much more effective place thanks to the fact that you know little about what any of it is, why it’s there or who’s in control. Sometimes it’s better to let a guest’s imagination fill in the blanks, as an attraction can be different things to different people, just like the way everyone creates different images when they read a story (i.e. how a character or place looks), or how they interpret a poem.

Anyway, that room is supposedly some kind of optical test (can’t remember what the voice over the speakers called it). I’m not too sure about whether it works with the rest of X-Sector as it reminded me (especially with the stickers and some of the projections) of something from a manga cartoon (not something you’d associate with X-Sector, or anything at Alton Towers). It’s very modern and different to the style of X-Sector portrayed everywhere else, but it’s fun, interesting and engaging nonetheless. The only downside is the back wall has nothing projected on it, or any stickers, so it detracts from everything else Merlin Studios achieved with this aspect of the ride/experience.

Next we move through the cattle pen in that room into a yellow corridor where you hand your bag in and get given a yellow numbered wristband to show where your bag is. The problem is, the ‘6’ and ‘9’ wristbands aren’t distinguishable, and the poor staff had to keep asking people to point their bags out. I can see these wristbands being removed or modified, otherwise staff will probably refrain from using ‘6’ and ‘9’ as best as they can!

You then proceed up a dark painted staircase with some lights to liven it up a little until you reach the loading station. This is a very bizarre room indeed. The white painted breezeblock walls and ceiling remind me of a Macro/Costco warehouse with a few yellow doctor’s lamps hung over the track so the room actually looks like it’s for the Smiler. They’re obviously there to hint at the ‘correctional’ aspect of the theme, but they don’t look real or as if they actually work until they turn on once a train is dispatched. The op cabin is nothing more than an empty, unthemed room in full-view of everyone in the station. There was no attempt to conceal or theme it in any way at all, and the poor ops look very exposed up there. It’s clear that Merlin Studios spent a little too much on the projection mapping room just prior (as well as wasting money on the Marmaliser “effects”. :/ The yellow gates are an even bigger contrast with the ugly surroundings, and the rainbow stairs are horrific. Their colours not only serve absolutely no purpose at all (you don’t feel “marmalised” until a little further on, once you’ve picked your bag up, though I’ll get to that in a moment) but they really do stick out. And not only that, but upon looking you can see all the colours run between each step and there’s drops of yellow all up them from where the handrails have dripped after they’d been painted. The colour scheme isn’t funny or interesting, unless you like the fact that they’re appalling? They certainly don’t add to the theme or style of the attraction at all, and they clash very badly in the context of X-Sector. An atrocious decision.

Time to ride the ride! ​

Ride Experience

To many, this is what it’s all about (shame that it’s becoming trendy to think theming is pretentious and pointless with thrill rides, especially with so many loops!!!11!!), and the Smiler is certainly a ride that Alton Towers has needed for a long time!

I’ll start with the trains and how they fare as the ride progresses. Stepping into them for the first time was quite a relief. After all, we’d only been waiting over two months for this moment! They’re very bulky looking things and I stand by my comments about them looking like dinner trays. The seats themselves aren’t as comfortable as B&M seats but they’re absolutely fine. The restraints themselves were quite odd though. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gerstlauer have indeed deliberately set them lower and made the tops wider to reduce head banging, as they certainly didn’t seem the same as those on Saw (the only other Gerstlauer I’ve ridden). They did feature soft padding though, and they made the ride feel more open (particularly useful when you aren’t on the front row).

I will warn you now though, make sure to leave as much space for yourself as possible for when the ride op comes to check your restraints as they tighten as the ride progresses to the point where they feel somewhere between Ripsaw’s and Submissions, and this can have a significant effect on both your legs, air and hang time that you experience. I’ve never experienced this kind of thing on any other ride and my advice is to save yourself space by leaning forwards against them for the entire ride so they don’t pin you in and neuter the experience (particularly on the hills and the first inversion where there’s some terrific hang time if you’ve left yourself plenty of room).

Back to the ride.

As you move out of the station and into the first drop, you hear a rather sinister voice mutter “join us” whilst some small strobes flash, the surgery lamps turn on, some mist sprays down over the train and the yellow gates at the side of the drop entrance move out of the way. They’re some much needed atmospheric effects (bar the gates which move for an obvious reason ) to help people remember that they’re at a theme park, not in a warehouse. Anyway, the train gathers a nice amount of speed from the first drop and on our second ride the tunnel was filled with mist and was much better than on our first go where it was simply a dark tunnel. There are no strobes like those found in the game (or if there are, they’re not too effective as I didn’t see them) and light from the entrance back into the station, as well as one or two slits in the walls spoils the darkness somewhat (they could have done with making that return entrance a little lower and maybe even added a canopy over it on the outside to help reduce the natural light further). As I’ve already mentioned, the indoor barrel roll provides some excellent hang time (assuming an op didn’t pin you into your seat from the off) and the brake run prior to the first lift is surrounded by more lights and some decent walk decorations. The only slightly negative thing I have to say about this section is that the music played in there is a little too loud (kind of fitting, considering the music played in the queue more or less drowns out anything that isn’t SMILER (no idea how they’re getting away with this either ).

The lifts provide great views of the Towers, lake and lawns and if they’re timed your ride right you’ll be able to wave to those on the train opposite! The sweeping drops from them are great fun and it’s literally the only aspect of the ride where you feel open and free before you’re flung into the mass of twisting steel below.

The first inverting drop has quite a jolt on it (you can see the exact place this jolt occurs from where the track was grinded (hence the missing paint) so watch out for that. It’s much quicker than the second inverting drop, though that’s a lot smoother. The pretzel element was by far the best part of the ride for me. It’s fast, forceful and really whips you from side to side. Well done to Gerstlauer for nailing that for us! After the pretzel loop you pop over the first hill and dive down into the knot pit for the start of the batwing element. The airtime on both hills (deepening on how tight your restraint is) about twice as strong as that experienced back row on Nemesis (again, assuming you’ve got enough breathing room ). It’s nowhere near ejector though. The batwing element is another strange element. I’ve only ever experienced one other which was Montu’s, and that had much more of a snap (probably the most intense transition of any ride I’ve ever experienced) into and out of the inverted sections. Smiler lost quite a bit of speed here and wasn’t very forceful at all. The shaping of the inverted sections, as well as the banked part in between them makes it not really feel like it’s all one element, but rather two positioned very closely (which, in reality it is - a dive loop connected to an immleman – except this felt like that and not as immediate as how Montu takes its own batwing). Once that’s over, another rather slow corkscrew element leads you into the brake run before the second lift (contrary to what people may be thinking regarding the dip before the brakes, this section of the ride doesn’t offer any airtime).

Before you can speed up the next lift, you have to wait for the train to lock safely onto the chain. To speed up this wait, some screens show more Marmaliser-esque footage and to the sides of the train the walls (as many will know) have “Half way corrected” on them, done in the same chunky plastic as the lettering found on the inside brake section before the first lift. I’ve already mentioned the second inverting roll, so I’ll move straight on to the next part of the ride…

…the sea serpent. This element doesn’t have the best shaping and there’s quite a jolt between inverting and then being fully inverted. From off-ride you can see the trains gradually invert before suddenly snapping into 180 degrees, bad Gerstlauer! Thankfully the restraints have enough room to accommodate your head lurching to the side. Smile for the first on-ride camera and then cross your fingers for some airtime on the second of the two hills that the ride features. Smile again for another on-ride camera and then you’re up into the cobra roll next. This element can provide a decent view of the other train passing below you in the batwing (should the trains be duelling properly) if you’re sat on the left side of the train. The exit of the cobra roll is probably the bumpiest part of the ride, with the second to last inversion (corkscrew or weird barrel roll?) coming in close second. These two sections are about as rough as the barrel rolls on Infusion at the Pleasure Beach, so I’d advise people to brace at these two moments.

Back on-track, the final inversion is quite an odd sensation due to the shaping. It’s fun but pretty slow now, and the ride doesn’t really end on a high like many would want or expect. Instead it turns at about the same speed as Rita reaches on the final turn after the magnetic brakes. Don’t expect any stacking (just yet anyway ) as the ops were running it very well, so you can more or less get off as soon as the train is back in the station.



Exiting the Attraction

Once you’ve picked your bag up you’re presented with a rather strange, fun house style corridor which changes in size, shape and direction, as well as showing a few different effects using projectors, mixed with more stickers and yellow paint. It’s fun but I hope it remains as it is rather than it being hijacked for a ‘Live’ version at Scarefest, as it’s not the kind of high that the ride intends to leave you with. Perhaps one or two creepy Ministry of Joy operators could work, so long as they don’t opt to make them jump out at you in a lazy attempt to scare guests.

Right, once that’s over you’re in to the shop. I can’t quite make up my mind about this part of the attraction either. Turning a shop into an experience isn’t something I enjoy as you can tell that they put more effort into theming it to get you to want to spend in there than they did in theming the station (making money is fair enough, but it’s annoying that they couldn’t make the station more effective than it is when the shop downstairs looks better). The merchandise is fine, if a little overpriced (sure, merchandise generally is, but look at what Universal offers and you can see that the price is more justified for a better quality product), and there’s plenty going on to keep you engaged right up until you leave the building (then you’re faced with a view into the hideous pit for the knot and behind you is the greatest themed building to have ever graced the park (best point out that that was a joke), with a shop sign that looks like It was made in Microsoft Office Publisher and yet more brightly coloured pipes, because, you know, that’s X-Sector, right? But what I really can’t decide on whether it works and whether it’s even funny is the Smiler TV shopping channel displayed on various TVs throughout the store. It’s clearly another attempt at tickling guests just before their Smiler experience is over obviously to make up for where the actual Tickler failed), but it strikes me as being quite… well…… desperate! Presenting their own products on-screen as if it’s QVC is extremely cringe-worthy in my opinion. I never expected upselling to be incorporated into the theme park experience in such a manner, and though the acting is fine, the finished videos look a little cheap (they were obviously trying to continue the happy marmalised state that you’re supposedly now in). What’s more is that they’ve fitted the shop with mirror/monitor things that film you stood in front of them and the computer then generates images of merchandise on to you, such as the plastic swirly goggles and a hat, etc… None of it seemed…. right. :S Anyway, the shop still has a few more stickers on the walls and there’s some nice built-out yellow shapes, similar to those found in the indoor queue before you board the ride. The ORP collection is also quite smart with the wall of screens (they obviously got a good deal on them ) showing everyone’s pictures.



Does it work with the rest of X-Sector?

I've kind of answered that here, really (as well as on the page after that in response to a few others). I don't want to make this review any longer by repeating things here!



How I rate The Smiler (out of 10) among the other coasters at Alton Towers

Nemesis: 9.4
Smiler: 8.7
Oblivion: 8.6
Air: 7.2
Runaway Mine Train: 7
Th13teen: 6.5
Rita: 5.8
Sonic Spinball: 5.7



Final Verdict

I still prefer Nemesis as a coaster. I don’t think I need to go into much detail to explain why as most of you know. It’s just that its pacing is more or less perfect and it can flick the switch between gently gliding around a turn to absolutely kicking your ass. It’s such a simple ride and it’s not too smooth but not to jolty. The amount of theming positioned around the ride, the queue design and off-ride interaction are more or less perfect, and best of all the landscaping is probably the best of any coaster on the planet. That too has elements that let it down (i.e. the station interior and the generic trains), and some of the theming is in need of some TLC, but for drama and a ride that knows how to put on a show, it remains unbeaten. It’s proof that you don’t need 21st century tech to make create an experience that will stand the test of time and be loved by numerous generations of guests.

That’s not to say that neither Nemesis nor Oblivion can’t be given a run for their money!

The Smiler is a great, much needed addition to Alton Towers and their line-up of thrill rides. Besides wanting a wooden coaster, we’ve been crying out for a coaster with more inversions and length, and this new ride ticks both of those boxes. It could be better, but at the same time it could be much worse (mainly the theming, queue design and the intensity of the ride). All that I hope happens now is that it doesn't age as badly as Thorpe Park’s Saw, as people generally give that a panning and I really don't mind it. It'd be a real shame if The Smiler received the same reception in a few years. But if you aren't into ride a ride as forceful as Nemesis or as thrilling as Oblivion, and you find Air a little too tame, The Smiler is just what Dr Kelman would prescribe!

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BigAl said:

My Stupidly long Smiler review. ​

I did consider not writing a review of some sort as I most certainly want to analyse as much of this attraction as I can; good, bad and the ugly too. I know many people will dislike the fact that I'd want to judge a ride on more than just the fourteen inversions, and I also know that we are still in the early days where people can claim the ride to be the best thing ever built in Europe (think back to when people were saying Swarm was better than every other coaster in the UK, then a few weeks later and hardly anybody was), but I'm not one to judge something based on where something is, who made it, etc... I'll judge it as fairly as I can and try and get in as much detail on everything. It may sound a little like a trip report to start with!



Build-up to Opening

Yesterday we got to the gates at around 9:15 and walked straight over to X-Sector. We'd already seen the "Smiler is closed" signs, but we ignored them and carried on after reading from many sources on the Internet now that Smiler would indeed be thrilling its first members of the public (outside of competition winners).

Upon reaching X-Sector, we were greeted by a mass of people. The Smiler staff, some members of management and a lot of members of the GP were all crowded around the entrance to X-Sector, waiting to hear if the rumours of The Smiler finally waking up were true or not. The staff were all saying the same, "it may open later in the day, but it might be worth sticking around anyway", etc... They were calm and managed to keep control of the already hefty crowd of people, and this carried on throughout the day, so I'd like to thank every member of staff for acting so professionally with such a difficult task at hand. Goodness knows what would have happened, had Smiler not opened!

We decided to try and squeeze in a ride on Th13teen but both Rita and Th13teen had broken down, so we rejoined the queue by the side of the Smiler at around 9:45am. Looking back, I'm glad Th13teen decided to throw a tantrum as we might have been further back in the queue for Smiler, had we been able to wait the full 25 minutes for it.

By now, two queues had been created at X-Sector; one for everything else, and one for the hopefuls. We were probably 5, 6 or 7 trains back from the very front so people were still not sure about whether it would or wouldn't be opening, though by that point we'd noticed that Alton Towers had set out a huge extended queue back up to the Towers like they had done for the 23rd "opening". We also spotted the "Smiler is closed" signs being moved out of X-Sector, so this made us want to stick around even more.

It was now around 10:30 and we were still queuing at the front of X-Sector whilst everyone else who had been waiting for the other three rides had now gone in and started queuing for them. This was when we spied one of the trains in the station disappear!

Everyone queuing moved up to the fences, and passersby began to stop to see what was happening, and suddenly a train popped out at the start of the first lift. Obviously this got everyone quite excited, and it only grew when the train started to climb the first lift. Watching it for the first time was a great feeling, and spotting another train exit the station felt even better! It tested for a good few minutes before we heard that it was the competition winners and some of the park's management who were the people on the first few trains to carry riders.

At around 12:00-12:30 (can't remember exactly when) the staff at the ride entrance let the first group of riders into the main queue beneath the ride. Before we moved in among the second group of people, we had a look back at the now massive queue that had built, right out of X-Sector and up to the Towers. We were pretty glad that we'd started to queue quite early!

Review Time!​

Outdoor Queue

Due to the cut-off nature of the Smiler, thanks to the way in which the park had constructed fences right from the entrance of X-Sector and all the way down and around to 'Buy the Smiler', the entrance really does stick out like a sore thumb. It's just a shapeless block of yellow that cuts straight through the fences, and besides the (overuse of) CCTV cameras, it really doesn't feel very X-Sector. Had the arch been shaped to look a little like Oblivion's or Black Hole's like the version found in the game, it might not have been so bad. It was also a pity that they left the back of the entrance sign exposed as it makes it look as flimsy as it all probably is when viewed from behind. Something to break-up the endless row of black mesh might have helped too (think a slab of concrete every so many black panels with a Smiler logo or something written into them, similar to those found in Oblivion's queue). The proposed viewing area wouldn't have gone amiss either.

The music is also something I'm not keen on either. It's pretty in-your-face due to how loud it is, and the amount of effects, change in pitch and the fact that it seeps over into the rest of X-Sector and Oblivion's queue line is quite annoying. I did originally state that I wanted something crazier for a new theme like an industrial version of the track played during the opening credits of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, mixed with the odd effect and a beat like Oblivion's, just slower differentiate it, but the end result is a little OTT. Standing listening to it for an hour will sear the stupid overplayed laughing noises into your head for a good while after.

Anyway, moving into the main queue for the first time, and it was difficult to get a real idea of how being stood in there for over an hour would feel due to the fact that we were some of the first in, so we were simply walking straight through the quicker route to the station. However, there were a few things I noted on my first time down there.

Besides having no idea regarding how far into the queue you are due to the fact that it's nothing but cattle pen, it's also very bland. The jet black panels covering the ride area doesn't help being stuck down there, and there's pretty bad drainage too, thanks to the flat-bottomed pit, very few grids and drain pipes on things like the kiosk which drain water off onto the floor rather than down a grid. Because they'd obviously tried to clean it before opening, there was a fairly big puddle covering a large part of the queue which took a while to go completely (considering it was warm and sunny for the entire day). The water had took a lot of dirt up, some of which had spattered all over the few pieces of theming (mainly the large, flimsy looking black chevrons that had been fitted to the floor by the station) and the yellow stickers on the sides of the pit. The dirt only highlighted the chevrons which don't look like they'll last very many seasons at all. BUT, at least they're there and they are one of very few elements which attempt to tie the Smiler with the rest of X-Sector.

On our second ride later in the day, we had the chance to experience every inch of the queue and if it hadn't been for the ride roaring overhead, it really would have been up there with Rita's queue for being utterly horrific. The design of the queue and the fact that you weave up then away from the ride and all over the show means you have no real idea where you are (as mentioned before), and adding a sea of people into the mix only worsens things. I'd advise anyone going to ride it to just keep looking up when you're in there, otherwise you may lose the will to live! It's a real shame that they didn't attempt to break-up the endless rows of fences, try and take the queue up to the toilet block and back down beside the first lift to give you a final overview of the attraction before heading into the station, and perhaps even take some of the queue over the staff road and into the surrounding woodland as some kind of extension (perhaps with some more themed indoor sections so it wouldn't feel so isolated). Thankfully the shop/kiosk helps to break things up, though getting close to that reveals just how awfully cheap that is too (such a shame the kiosk that once belonged to the Black Hole wasn’t cleaned and rethemed to be used). It’s yet another dense block of yellow with nothing but theming more black swirly stickers plastered over it to make it seem look a little less crap.
Perhaps even some stairs at certain points in the queue which would take guests up to platforms level with sections of the ride might have helped to give people better views of the ride, X-Sector and to also let people see riders as they sweep past (creating a different reaction for every guest and bringing a different dimension to the outdoor queue experience). They could certainly have done with a longer queue though, as any line above an hour will filter out into X-Sector and that could cause problems later on in the season.

Getting up-close to the station building only brings home just how hideous it is. It's nothing but a great big chunk of dirty grey concrete, mixed with grey metal panels and the odd yellow pipe to make it 'fit' with X-Sector. Apparently. It really doesn't do the huge tangle of track any justice at all.

But there are some really great plus points to being crammed under the ride. It really makes for some terrific photo opportunities down there (my favourite being the view of the second inverting drop when stood closer to the station entrance). The sound of the ride once it had warmed up a little and lost some of the screeching sound wasn't too bad either, though it's no roar. And anyone that enjoys a dramatic ride need look no further than when the ride ops are able to dispatch the trains at just the right time, as two duelling trains really do look marvellous (though the trains themselves aren't the best looking things in the world).

But the Marmaliser... Well it has its good points and it has some pretty bad points too (I'll get to how the ride interacts with it later). The screen already has dead pixels (as some may already know) and the cladding on the legs looks very cheap and flimsy, like laminated chipboard that's been dipped in gloss, or sheets of thin acrylic. And the effects themselves aren't too good either. From the paths in X-Sector, the hypnotiser leg and inoculator are the only two legs which look even remotely interesting. As for the rest, they may as well not even be there. For instance, the flasher, unless you're watching it, isn't noticeable at all. It's far too dull and many would want or expect it to have had a strobe effect, but it just turns on for a few seconds and then off again. The giggler is okay when there's no wind, but if there is, I doubt people will even be able to tell that leg actually does anything. The tickler is a very slow and cheap looking effect which could have continued Merlin Studios' (potential) aim for a ride with a bit of character through irony, silliness (see the TVs in the shop and before you enter the station) and satiric elements such as the hundreds of CCTV cameras which were hopefully purchased as a reference to things like Big Brother (not the show :I ), to mock the way in which modern society feels the need (or needs in some cases ) to monitor everything and to also suggest a mysterious and tyrannical higher power who feels the need to control everything (very X-Sector, though I'm pretty certain they could have achieved this effect in a more subtle manner).

That's not to say I dislike the Marmaliser, as I do like the pipes around the middle and the worn feet and hinges on the legs. Besides the effects, bins, pointless dishes and the cheap panels on the legs, it's unique and certainly helps to reflect the quirky nature of the ride. It could have been much better, but then again, it could have been much worse. Again, this statement can be used to describe what’s on the Marmaliser’s screens (you can actually say this for a lot regarding this attraction).



Indoor Queue

Upon reaching the station you’re greeted with a few TV monitors with made up warnings on them. It seems that someone was trying a little too hard to be funny with some of the messages on them, though I guess most will say it’s all hilarious and ‘works well’ with the crazy nature of the ride. You then enter through another yellow wedge (one of two wedges depending on which queue you were in). There are two sets of plastic strips that hang down (there’s probably a name for them but I don’t currently know ) like those used on Sub Terra to keep light out, for what’s inside is a projection mapping room! I quite liked this room. It’s by no means well-themed (all that’s in there are a few quirky plastic shapes, speakers, projectors and some funky scif-fi stickers on the walls), but the projection mapping, audio and darkness bring it to life quite effectively. It was quite refreshing to see something new at a UK theme park, and I particularly enjoyed it due to the variation in animation, as well as the fact that they’d been able to achieve such nice effects with such little tech in such a confined space.

I was particularly glad that they’d not used that room for some sort of pre-show, as there’s nothing worse than being force-fed a story with some attractions that rely on mystery. X-Sector as a whole is a much more effective place thanks to the fact that you know little about what any of it is, why it’s there or who’s in control. Sometimes it’s better to let a guest’s imagination fill in the blanks, as an attraction can be different things to different people, just like the way everyone creates different images when they read a story (i.e. how a character or place looks), or how they interpret a poem.

Anyway, that room is supposedly some kind of optical test (can’t remember what the voice over the speakers called it). I’m not too sure about whether it works with the rest of X-Sector as it reminded me (especially with the stickers and some of the projections) of something from a manga cartoon (not something you’d associate with X-Sector, or anything at Alton Towers). It’s very modern and different to the style of X-Sector portrayed everywhere else, but it’s fun, interesting and engaging nonetheless. The only downside is the back wall has nothing projected on it, or any stickers, so it detracts from everything else Merlin Studios achieved with this aspect of the ride/experience.

Next we move through the cattle pen in that room into a yellow corridor where you hand your bag in and get given a yellow numbered wristband to show where your bag is. The problem is, the ‘6’ and ‘9’ wristbands aren’t distinguishable, and the poor staff had to keep asking people to point their bags out. I can see these wristbands being removed or modified, otherwise staff will probably refrain from using ‘6’ and ‘9’ as best as they can!

You then proceed up a dark painted staircase with some lights to liven it up a little until you reach the loading station. This is a very bizarre room indeed. The white painted breezeblock walls and ceiling remind me of a Macro/Costco warehouse with a few yellow doctor’s lamps hung over the track so the room actually looks like it’s for the Smiler. They’re obviously there to hint at the ‘correctional’ aspect of the theme, but they don’t look real or as if they actually work until they turn on once a train is dispatched. The op cabin is nothing more than an empty, unthemed room in full-view of everyone in the station. There was no attempt to conceal or theme it in any way at all, and the poor ops look very exposed up there. It’s clear that Merlin Studios spent a little too much on the projection mapping room just prior (as well as wasting money on the Marmaliser “effects”. :/ The yellow gates are an even bigger contrast with the ugly surroundings, and the rainbow stairs are horrific. Their colours not only serve absolutely no purpose at all (you don’t feel “marmalised” until a little further on, once you’ve picked your bag up, though I’ll get to that in a moment) but they really do stick out. And not only that, but upon looking you can see all the colours run between each step and there’s drops of yellow all up them from where the handrails have dripped after they’d been painted. The colour scheme isn’t funny or interesting, unless you like the fact that they’re appalling? They certainly don’t add to the theme or style of the attraction at all, and they clash very badly in the context of X-Sector. An atrocious decision.

Time to ride the ride! ​

Ride Experience

To many, this is what it’s all about (shame that it’s becoming trendy to think theming is pretentious and pointless with thrill rides, especially with so many loops!!!11!!), and the Smiler is certainly a ride that Alton Towers has needed for a long time!

I’ll start with the trains and how they fare as the ride progresses. Stepping into them for the first time was quite a relief. After all, we’d only been waiting over two months for this moment! They’re very bulky looking things and I stand by my comments about them looking like dinner trays. The seats themselves aren’t as comfortable as B&M seats but they’re absolutely fine. The restraints themselves were quite odd though. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gerstlauer have indeed deliberately set them lower and made the tops wider to reduce head banging, as they certainly didn’t seem the same as those on Saw (the only other Gerstlauer I’ve ridden). They did feature soft padding though, and they made the ride feel more open (particularly useful when you aren’t on the front row).

I will warn you now though, make sure to leave as much space for yourself as possible for when the ride op comes to check your restraints as they tighten as the ride progresses to the point where they feel somewhere between Ripsaw’s and Submissions, and this can have a significant effect on both your legs, air and hang time that you experience. I’ve never experienced this kind of thing on any other ride and my advice is to save yourself space by leaning forwards against them for the entire ride so they don’t pin you in and neuter the experience (particularly on the hills and the first inversion where there’s some terrific hang time if you’ve left yourself plenty of room).

Back to the ride.

As you move out of the station and into the first drop, you hear a rather sinister voice mutter “join us” whilst some small strobes flash, the surgery lamps turn on, some mist sprays down over the train and the yellow gates at the side of the drop entrance move out of the way. They’re some much needed atmospheric effects (bar the gates which move for an obvious reason ) to help people remember that they’re at a theme park, not in a warehouse. Anyway, the train gathers a nice amount of speed from the first drop and on our second ride the tunnel was filled with mist and was much better than on our first go where it was simply a dark tunnel. There are no strobes like those found in the game (or if there are, they’re not too effective as I didn’t see them) and light from the entrance back into the station, as well as one or two slits in the walls spoils the darkness somewhat (they could have done with making that return entrance a little lower and maybe even added a canopy over it on the outside to help reduce the natural light further). As I’ve already mentioned, the indoor barrel roll provides some excellent hang time (assuming an op didn’t pin you into your seat from the off) and the brake run prior to the first lift is surrounded by more lights and some decent walk decorations. The only slightly negative thing I have to say about this section is that the music played in there is a little too loud (kind of fitting, considering the music played in the queue more or less drowns out anything that isn’t SMILER (no idea how they’re getting away with this either ).

The lifts provide great views of the Towers, lake and lawns and if they’re timed your ride right you’ll be able to wave to those on the train opposite! The sweeping drops from them are great fun and it’s literally the only aspect of the ride where you feel open and free before you’re flung into the mass of twisting steel below.

The first inverting drop has quite a jolt on it (you can see the exact place this jolt occurs from where the track was grinded (hence the missing paint) so watch out for that. It’s much quicker than the second inverting drop, though that’s a lot smoother. The pretzel element was by far the best part of the ride for me. It’s fast, forceful and really whips you from side to side. Well done to Gerstlauer for nailing that for us! After the pretzel loop you pop over the first hill and dive down into the knot pit for the start of the batwing element. The airtime on both hills (deepening on how tight your restraint is) about twice as strong as that experienced back row on Nemesis (again, assuming you’ve got enough breathing room ). It’s nowhere near ejector though. The batwing element is another strange element. I’ve only ever experienced one other which was Montu’s, and that had much more of a snap (probably the most intense transition of any ride I’ve ever experienced) into and out of the inverted sections. Smiler lost quite a bit of speed here and wasn’t very forceful at all. The shaping of the inverted sections, as well as the banked part in between them makes it not really feel like it’s all one element, but rather two positioned very closely (which, in reality it is - a dive loop connected to an immleman – except this felt like that and not as immediate as how Montu takes its own batwing). Once that’s over, another rather slow corkscrew element leads you into the brake run before the second lift (contrary to what people may be thinking regarding the dip before the brakes, this section of the ride doesn’t offer any airtime).

Before you can speed up the next lift, you have to wait for the train to lock safely onto the chain. To speed up this wait, some screens show more Marmaliser-esque footage and to the sides of the train the walls (as many will know) have “Half way corrected” on them, done in the same chunky plastic as the lettering found on the inside brake section before the first lift. I’ve already mentioned the second inverting roll, so I’ll move straight on to the next part of the ride…

…the sea serpent. This element doesn’t have the best shaping and there’s quite a jolt between inverting and then being fully inverted. From off-ride you can see the trains gradually invert before suddenly snapping into 180 degrees, bad Gerstlauer! Thankfully the restraints have enough room to accommodate your head lurching to the side. Smile for the first on-ride camera and then cross your fingers for some airtime on the second of the two hills that the ride features. Smile again for another on-ride camera and then you’re up into the cobra roll next. This element can provide a decent view of the other train passing below you in the batwing (should the trains be duelling properly) if you’re sat on the left side of the train. The exit of the cobra roll is probably the bumpiest part of the ride, with the second to last inversion (corkscrew or weird barrel roll?) coming in close second. These two sections are about as rough as the barrel rolls on Infusion at the Pleasure Beach, so I’d advise people to brace at these two moments.

Back on-track, the final inversion is quite an odd sensation due to the shaping. It’s fun but pretty slow now, and the ride doesn’t really end on a high like many would want or expect. Instead it turns at about the same speed as Rita reaches on the final turn after the magnetic brakes. Don’t expect any stacking (just yet anyway ) as the ops were running it very well, so you can more or less get off as soon as the train is back in the station.



Exiting the Attraction

Once you’ve picked your bag up you’re presented with a rather strange, fun house style corridor which changes in size, shape and direction, as well as showing a few different effects using projectors, mixed with more stickers and yellow paint. It’s fun but I hope it remains as it is rather than it being hijacked for a ‘Live’ version at Scarefest, as it’s not the kind of high that the ride intends to leave you with. Perhaps one or two creepy Ministry of Joy operators could work, so long as they don’t opt to make them jump out at you in a lazy attempt to scare guests.

Right, once that’s over you’re in to the shop. I can’t quite make up my mind about this part of the attraction either. Turning a shop into an experience isn’t something I enjoy as you can tell that they put more effort into theming it to get you to want to spend in there than they did in theming the station (making money is fair enough, but it’s annoying that they couldn’t make the station more effective than it is when the shop downstairs looks better). The merchandise is fine, if a little overpriced (sure, merchandise generally is, but look at what Universal offers and you can see that the price is more justified for a better quality product), and there’s plenty going on to keep you engaged right up until you leave the building (then you’re faced with a view into the hideous pit for the knot and behind you is the greatest themed building to have ever graced the park (best point out that that was a joke), with a shop sign that looks like It was made in Microsoft Office Publisher and yet more brightly coloured pipes, because, you know, that’s X-Sector, right? But what I really can’t decide on whether it works and whether it’s even funny is the Smiler TV shopping channel displayed on various TVs throughout the store. It’s clearly another attempt at tickling guests just before their Smiler experience is over obviously to make up for where the actual Tickler failed), but it strikes me as being quite… well…… desperate! Presenting their own products on-screen as if it’s QVC is extremely cringe-worthy in my opinion. I never expected upselling to be incorporated into the theme park experience in such a manner, and though the acting is fine, the finished videos look a little cheap (they were obviously trying to continue the happy marmalised state that you’re supposedly now in). What’s more is that they’ve fitted the shop with mirror/monitor things that film you stood in front of them and the computer then generates images of merchandise on to you, such as the plastic swirly goggles and a hat, etc… None of it seemed…. right. :S Anyway, the shop still has a few more stickers on the walls and there’s some nice built-out yellow shapes, similar to those found in the indoor queue before you board the ride. The ORP collection is also quite smart with the wall of screens (they obviously got a good deal on them ) showing everyone’s pictures.



Does it work with the rest of X-Sector?

I've kind of answered that here, really (as well as on the page after that in response to a few others). I don't want to make this review any longer by repeating things here!



How I rate The Smiler (out of 10) among the other coasters at Alton Towers

Nemesis: 9.4
Smiler: 8.7
Oblivion: 8.6
Air: 7.2
Runaway Mine Train: 7
Th13teen: 6.5
Rita: 5.8
Sonic Spinball: 5.7



Final Verdict

I still prefer Nemesis as a coaster. I don’t think I need to go into much detail to explain why as most of you know. It’s just that its pacing is more or less perfect and it can flick the switch between gently gliding around a turn to absolutely kicking your ass. It’s such a simple ride and it’s not too smooth but not to jolty. The amount of theming positioned around the ride, the queue design and off-ride interaction are more or less perfect, and best of all the landscaping is probably the best of any coaster on the planet. That too has elements that let it down (i.e. the station interior and the generic trains), and some of the theming is in need of some TLC, but for drama and a ride that knows how to put on a show, it remains unbeaten. It’s proof that you don’t need 21st century tech to make create an experience that will stand the test of time and be loved by numerous generations of guests.

That’s not to say that neither Nemesis nor Oblivion can’t be given a run for their money!

The Smiler is a great, much needed addition to Alton Towers and their line-up of thrill rides. Besides wanting a wooden coaster, we’ve been crying out for a coaster with more inversions and length, and this new ride ticks both of those boxes. It could be better, but at the same time it could be much worse (mainly the theming, queue design and the intensity of the ride). All that I hope happens now is that it doesn't age as badly as Thorpe Park’s Saw, as people generally give that a panning and I really don't mind it. It'd be a real shame if The Smiler received the same reception in a few years. But if you aren't into ride a ride as forceful as Nemesis or as thrilling as Oblivion, and you find Air a little too tame, The Smiler is just what Dr Kelman would prescribe!

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mikeroller said:

I think you completely missed the point of half the stuff going on. The Smiler TV is quite obviously tongue in the cheek rather than another chance to up-sell.

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T said:

A few notes;

Disabled queue being fed directly into the station for TEN WHOLE MINUTES, holding the queue up. They just kept coming. Without sounding truly disrespectful, what are the new rules regarding disability? I find it shocking....

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TheMan said:

Sorry this annoys me.

10 WHOLE minutes for you. A lifetime of disability for that person.

This is a new ride with new batching procedures. Come on T. Don't join the swathes of the ignorant or next time someone says "they waste valuable commons time in a recession debating gay marriage" and you have a pop, I may remind you of it.

You cannot be in a group prejudiced against, moan, and then prejudice against another because they are getting to grips with the batching for DISABLED people.

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James said:

TheMan said:

Sorry this annoys me.

10 WHOLE minutes for you. A lifetime of disability for that person.

This is a new ride with new batching procedures. Come on T. Don't join the swathes of the ignorant or next time someone says "they waste valuable commons time in a recession debating gay marriage" and you have a pop, I may remind you of it.

You cannot be in a group prejudiced against, moan, and then prejudice against another because they are getting to grips with the batching for DISABLED people.

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To be fair though, it would make more sense to balance out guests for each queue. So let x amount of disabled guests through then x amount of main queue guests then x amount of disabled guests etc... Something a bit more balanced to allow guests on both sides to feel like the queue they are in is moving at a decent pace.

Although that's highly dependant on what rules staff have to follow with queue management.

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