The I feel down topic
Well, it wouldn't be right to have the "happy" topic without having sadness to restore balance.
I've recently hit quite a low. I graduated in 2006, and since then I have bounced my way between jobs without really having a y idea of what I want to do. I started in retail, as I moved from a part time job to full time. Then I found a job through an environmental recruitment agency that fell flat on its face and I quit after three weeks - they hadn't a clue what my job was meant to be, and I quit after something to do with a petrol station in Essex. Don't ask.
Following that, I tired me hand at teaching. I graduated in geology, and converted to physics so that I could teach secondary science. I held, and still do, a massive passion for physics and science, and was excited to be able to part this knowledge onto young scientists. I had a small breakdown during the PGCE and ended up quitting to maintain my sanity. Following this I worked at Towers for a season.
I thought I hit my lucky break in the career world when I left Towers to work for a well known bank. I moved in with Simon after a 2 year relationship, and moved back to live close to my friends from uni in 2009. However the job wasn't all that amazing, as I worked in a call centre collecting debt. After 18 months, the minimum time in a role, I moved into my current job as a Risk Assessor. I thought this would be the start of my career, and I had a good run in, gaining praise from my managers, working up my personal authority ladder, and stretching myself a little but.
However, I never felt I fitted in. My colleagues, who at first were friendly, ostracised me when I wasn't interested in talking about motorbikes, football, babies and how much they are bringing home to their wives. No one asked about my personal life outside of work, many people from other departments didn't speak to me or show an interest in who I was. The environment gradually grew more and more tense, with me witnessing homophobic remarks and other derogatory comments. The more I got to know the people, the more I realised who right wing everybody was, and how they were only interested in making money. At the same time, I received very little feedback from managers and generally kept myself to myself.
Today I had my mid-year review. On top of being given an awful decision sample and being told how disappointing it was that I hadn't improved and was getting 'unacceptable' marks on it - despite the fact that the feedback was in direct contradiction to my previous samples, and I had worked on it to make sure I addressed these issues, and despite me bringing up the fact that I made decisions with conflicting advise, and also despite the fact that this is 15 decisions out of 800 a month and are targeted to find the errors and not focus on the remaining 785 decisions that were good. I was also told that my manager, who had given my no feedback, had been getting aggregated that I was continually missing something out of reviews, and told my immediate manager to "address" this, where I was given no opportunity to address at the beginning and take measures to make sure I do include this... On top of all this I was told that I am being scored down for the mid-year results because I am quiet.
By quiet, they mean that I haven't made the effort to go out to other departments and make myself known. These same departments are the ones where when I started, they didn't come and say hello and ask my name. Half of them still don't know my name. The same departments who have made homophobic comments across the office.
Those of you who know me will know I am naturally quiet, and naturally shy. But contrary to what my manager believes, I am happy to build friendships and relationships with people once I get to know them. I do speak to a lot of people in the office, and initiate or continue small talk. But ever since I have been in the department, everyone who has come to ask questions has always had their favourite person to go to. My desk is positioned so that I can't see people coming down my row, and there have been occasions where people have started down my row, noticed that their favourite person isn't there, and have decided to go to the other side of the bank of desks. Apparently that has been noted as me not being approachable.
I would also stress that the atmosphere that I had to work in with my colleagues did make me retreat within myself, as a naturally shy person would, because I didn't feel that I could be myself, and I didn't feel welcome.
This is on top of many other pressures I have been facing, that some people may know about, but I'm not going to divulge here, and a general sense of not fitting in. The last two days I have felt under immense stress and unwell. I just burst into tears in the car for 20 minutes.
