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The Road To Rust (Is Paved With Questionable Parks)

Poisson

TS Member
Favourite Ride
The Giant Squid
Following the shock announcement that The Misery Trip 2021 has won an award for Best Other Theme Park Topic, I figured now I have a PC and time I should chronicle my first trip to Europa Park and my hunt for my 100th cred in 2021 and 200th cred overall which happened on a very sensible trip in October. Very, very sensible. Photos are a mix of mine and Matt's unless otherwise credited.

During 2020 me, @MattyH, @Mike and @Jonathan had a trip to EP called off due to the dreaded lurgy. This was rebooked for 2021 but Mike and Jon had to drop out due to financial constraints (something about skipping off the Americalandshire or sounded like that) so the trip was curtailed and changed. Originally the trip had contained Tripsdrill, Schwaben Park, Holiday Park and Europa Park with a trip to the Hasenhorn. This became modded with the removal of Tripsdrill and Schwaben Park with the addition of Steinwasen Park and a day dropped off the trip.

So....how do you begin a trip to arguably the greatest theme park in Europe? With a day trip to a dump of course! So I climbed in the stand in Panda after the brakes on my 25 became particularly scary (seized calipers aren't ideal, especially when they start making terrifying noises 3 days before you're heading on a decent length journey) and headed to those strange Southern lands.

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Yes this isn't Thorpe but we all know I'm terrible at remembering to take photos.

After finding some food and a phone holder as the spare chariot didn't have one I headed across to meet Matt and his friends. Shocking, I didn't think he had any either, and then we entered Chavtopia. This being most of their first trips to the park I insisted we went before the main part of the trip, outside of Fight Nights.

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First up, Stealth. In an attempt to avoid the usual horrendous queues we hit Stealth first and blew the minds of the 6 normal people in our group. Considering they worked with Matt at Pleasurewood Hills, I'm sure a seesaw would probably blow their minds in terms of ride quality.

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We followed this by working anti-clockwise to Nemesis Inferno which was a hit with the group and followed it with SAW, which was so quiet we were encouraged to head from offload to onload as the queue was non-existent. A much more mixed review this time, followed by Samurai which was AWFUL. Running so slowly it hurt and was an endurance test as it made us feel so ropey.

Nemesis Inferno Cobra Rolls by sbhostandard, on Flickr

SAW The Ride at Thorpe Park by Semantic, on Flickr

Colossus would have been next but we entered the queue so it typically died before we could get on. A queue evac later and we broke for food. Cue the next hour trying to reunite the group and reminding me why a large group of non-geeks never ends well when it splits. KFC/Donuts/Doner/will to live consumed we headed to Flying Fish, which was neither flying nor actually made of fish to my immense sadness.

Swarm was to be a challenge for Kyle who'd avoided the larger rides so far. We finally coaxed him on and we all enjoyed what is the best coaster at Thorpe. Arguments are not tolerated as this is a fact.

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Next was Vortex. Then it wasn't as it went into E stop so we went on Zodiac that did half a cycle then stopped and had to be sent again to do a full cycle. Mmmm reliability. We then got on Vortex where one of the group went ragdoll in a move to be repeated through the day. This was followed by Quantum which made some horrendous noises as 8 big people sat at one side and 2 kids sat at the other and it didn't like it and Rush, which did its usual thing of being good but on a cycle that lasted less time than anyone thought my trips were a good idea (roughly 2 femtoseconds)

Rush at Thorpe Park by Semantic, on Flickr

Our next cluster of rubbish was a ride on The Walking Dead when it finally operated for more than 5 mins without breaking, Detonator which is a bit poor nowadays and Rumba Rapids which are a cure for insomnia. To round out the day we hit Colossus to give ourselves brain damage for life and then a re-ride on Swarm to try and remind ourselves why we came here in the first place. Then it broke down.

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Have you seen these idiots?

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At least it's a comfy wait for the techies to show up.

Matt then lobbed his case into the mighty fine car replacement car and we went to Heathrow parking via the pub. Whilst the other 6 were giving us stories of horror about traffic we tried to ensure that Lufthansa's finest would fail to take off due to overloading of fat idiots.

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An Antonov An-225 was called in as backup to haul us if we overloaded the A320 Neo.

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Bus Life.

Arriving at LHR we took the free bus to the wrong terminal, got a bit lost, then more lost, walked about as far as walking to the moon and ended up on a bus to the hotel, ready to turn in before our far too early flight the next day.

As Christopher Bowes would say: Oh wow.
 
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Day 2: Hasenhorn Todtnau and Steinwasen Park

Day 2 dawned far too early with a bleary 10 min bus ride to LHR T2 which we actually got right this time instead of ending up in freight or somewhere equally silly. Wandering through security we entered the main part of the terminal in search of the one main goal: breakfast. This is where, to our horror, we found only Pret was doing anything and we then had the pleasure of paying far too much for a very overcooked and nasty bacon sandwich.

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LIES!

Following this massive first world problem we were eventually called and headed to our aircraft. A Lufthansa Airbus A320Neo was to be our transport, and considering our last flight was with Ryanair it was a nice change. Less garish and more comfy and more spacious. Not long after take off we saw one of our previous places from the Misery Trip because Southend Pier is visible at the altitude we were flying at. We were then interrupted by the delivery of free choccy and water, always a welcome interruption.

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Landing at Frankfurt where they did ponder whether to let Matt in (don't blame them) we headed underground to find our noble steed. In a fit of idiocy we went for the random car option on the Enterprise site so had absolutely no idea what was there. After being passed some Nissan keys at the desk we found this:

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Aside from having a face only a mother could love (relatable for the two ugly mugs getting into it) it was spacious enough and easy enough to drive. Naturally the next step was to get on the Autobahn and max it out. Sadly it was capped at 120mph. This got us to Freiburg then into the stunning mountains fairly quickly and up and past Steinwasen to the Hasenhorn. Dumping the car we headed up the cable car to the onload station of the Hasenhorn.

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Not a bad view is it? This was followed by an excellent alpine coaster ride down, Matt's first alpine coaster and only my second. Then we headed back to Steinwasen in search of food creds. We headed down and found their indoor Mack powered coaster featuring a rave tunnel, penguins and a drop from the station that became ejector airtime on the second lap. This was followed by an old German man slapping his meat and beer on the table and said bon appétit, making Matt's day. Food was okay, view was stunning.

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We then had a ride on the park's alpine coaster (not a patch on the Hasenhorn) and their powered toboggan that shares the same indoor penguin area as the coaster. Up the cable car we saw the park kept wild boar beneath, meaning an evac must be fun.

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This was followed by a toboggan down the hill which was especially perwiggolous and nearly saw us departing the track. Back to the car and we saw we had just enough time to get to Sommerrodelbahn Gutach. Sadly after some fast and furious stuff we still missed it by 5 mins. Sort of spited. We then headed to that nights accommodation, some sort of hovel in somewhere called Rust?

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Looks horrendous doesn't it? After checking in, I was feeling rough with a sinus problem so we headed for some medicine, that being at Bar Spirit of St Louis.

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After making sure that issue became a distant problem, we headed back to Andaluz to get some shut eye. Well we say that, we ended up in the bar of last resort on the way back for a night cap before finally heading back and hitting the hay. +3 each.

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I was slightly dissatisfied with the welcome received at Frankfurt airport. So the German man slapping his meat onto the table for me improved my spirit massively. Especially as we spent ages trying to figure out how to get to the powered coaster...
 
It's easy enough. Through the main bit, outside, down a ramp, turn back on yourself, down another ramp, around the bottom of the toboggan, past the chair lift, around a corner that looks like it leads to nothing, through a door, turn right, up some stairs and along a corridor/queue line. How did we never find it with such great signage like the non-existent signage there?

The welcome? Roland's pleasure squad wouldn't be waiting there.
 
Day 3: Europa Park

With day 3 dawning bright and early we were greeted by the sight of our room which didn't have a view. The actual view was a train and theme park geeks heaven as we watched the EP Express shunt from the shed to the mainline.

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Then we were RUDELY interrupted by @AstroDan setting the hotel on fire or something, that's who we blame anyway for the fire alarm going off:

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Following a breakfast that didn't contain anything stale or pre-packed much to our disappointment, we headed through Roland's back passage to a wizard or something, no idea what he was dressed as, and headed into the park. Following seasoned advice we knew we needed 13 creds but that was it. Alpenexpress was first, a decent but forgettable powered coaster, probably as we had ridden the excellent Gletscherblitz the day before. Arthur followed this, an odd coaster dark ride hybrid featuring Snoop Dogg. Great fun.

Then it was time for the big one, Ba-a-a Express. A world class coaster, probably the best on the trip.

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Following this amazing ride we headed to some random ball with a windmill glued on it. Then we waited in an actual queue or something, very alien at EP.

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This was followed by the unpleasant bobsled and the dull mouse, lightened by the presence of the wonderful Dawn Swiss.

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Holland found some none toxic shoes as well:

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This lead to Matt getting to cred 174 so we headed to Silver Star for 175. Here we found the worst queue line of the trip, genuinely not a nice place to queue. Dark and miserable whilst advertising in your face and the ride was suffering many problems with a train eventually removed. Boarding, we found it to be underwhelming sadly. I presume it suffers from it's age at being limited. Moving on we headed to Greece in search of a flying horse or something. I don't know. Then it was time for something actually good.

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I was told I would like Euro-Mir because it spins and is violent. I'd like to say I'm more sophisticated than that but we all know I'm a simple cave man who enjoys simple things. We queued 45 mins and the old Eurosat Halloween music was playing, which is sadly under a 4 min loop. Very, very annoying. Still an excellent ride and rumour has it he's still waiting for the storm.

Next was Nordstream 2: The Ride featuring Blue Fire. Seriously unimpressed by the massive entrance advert thing. Rest of the themeing and the ride is top notch but it leaves a bit of a bad taste. Really enjoyed it and made up for the let down of Icon and really excites me for whenever I can go and do Helix.

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Then was Wodan. The highlight of the trip. Utterly brilliant especially the queue line toilets. Highest quality facilities provided. The GCI was very good too. Just pipping Troy to my fave woodie and probably number 4 on my all time list of coasters behind Nemesis, Zadra and Lech. My 200th cred.

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Following this we had a conflab and decided to hit the water coasters and then head back if we were wet to change before our candle lit dinner at Silver Lake Saloon. Poseidon was first and was very okay apart from tying to capsize or what it felt like. Reminded me of how DVH tries to "coast". This was followed by a piece of hot Portuguese ASS.

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Really enjoyable ride and is better at this coasting malarkey than Poseidon. We were still dry enough, had enough time and stupid enough to then do Tyrol Wildwasserbahn and Fjord Rafting before heading back, because we might as well try and drown and catch pneumonia. This caused us to hurry back to the room, make it a biohazard zone then leave on the next EP Express. We were only at Morrisons and didn't account for the walk to Silver Lake. Running late we headed inside and I found myself translating for Holland but my left ear sinus problem was still in full effect and that was the side of the server, plus it was very loud. It was a fun experience to say the least. Holland made the server look like we had killed his cat and microwaved the body because he thought Matty wanted his steak well done. When the half deaf idiot (me) managed to convince the server he would have his steak not cooked into leather he became visibly happier because if you have steak any more done than medium, you might as well chew the plate or your shoe.

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Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm food

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Following excellent food we headed back to Morrisons and on to the EP Express. We could have been sensible and headed for the room so instead we headed to the bar. Because since when have my trips ever been remotely sensible? +13
 
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Day 4: Europa Park and Traumatica.

Day 4 dawned and after breakfast we headed out to Voletarium. Or we didn't as we didn't realise the paths were closed and if we were late down that end of the park we would be in a huge queue. To resolve our stupidity we then headed to Piraten in Batavia as this was open early. This was excellent and we didn't even mind the faint smell of smoke.

building from the Dark Ride "Piraten in Batavia" by MR-Fotografie, on Flickr

We followed this up with another visit to Russia and Scandinavia with a dose of Blue Fire and Wodan. Snorri Touren was next with possibly the cutest mascot ever, even if he spends his time bothering mermaids and upsetting mermen, with a bonus of clearly annoying @Kelpie

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Griezelkopjes was next, a temporarily indoor tea cups with a Halloween theme and smoke and lights. A nice way to tart up an otherwise unremarkable ride. Speaking of unremarkable we followed this up with a ride on HOLLAND. Or at least, we did Der Fliegende Holländer whilst trying not to fall over as the platform was moist.

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FoodLoop was to be our eatery of choice so we had a quick look at how to access it before heading to the wonderfully themed BENCH that definitely doesn't look like a dodgy walkthrough at a "winter wonderland" whilst sitting on a park bench.

Heading back to FoodLoop we joined what would become a lengthy queue with it being one of the few eateries open in park. The food was excellent and we had prime seating next to the lift hill, with it having a conventional lift compared to Towers' having an elevator lift

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After our food we finally decided to try and figure out the virtual queue. We decided a good test would be queueing for Mir, starting it whilst sat in FoodLoop. With our timed slots reserved we had to fill our time so headed to find some of the more obscure rides. Atlantis was first, with Matty showing his prowess with firearms that's unsurprising of someone brought up in Lowestoft. We wandered to Greece and on to Kassandra and were walked straight into the Madhouse, not sure if there was meant to be some story beforehand or you just end up in there?

Arena of Football was our last stop before Mir and it was fun despite being just a dodgems and a gym ball, showing idiots are easily entertained, that's why me and Matty enjoyed it so much.

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Mir was next and after having a roaring success with the virtual queue we booked it again as we were wandering out the exit. We then turned our attention to the fact we hadn't bashed the transport on park yet and did a lap of the monorail from Luxembourg to Luxembourg. This was followed by a train from Russia to the German/Austrian border via the rest of Europe for more than a lap because that's the sad people we are. Climbing off we headed for a pint in the Biergarten.

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We then wandered around to Italy and did Piccolo Mondo, better than Nemesis (that's its official title) but didn't hang around Italy for long as we wandered back to Russia to go back to space and then back to Earth via the Euro Tower to scout out the small rides in the area having done Marionetten Bootsfahrt before climbing aboard the Tower. Volo Da Vinci was first on our hit list after finally having a queue that wasn't spilling out of the steps up to the station. We actually watched a show for once, definitely not because it was next to the queue we were in. After annoying the hosts by leaving the pedals in a silly position, we ran away to Jim Knopf, which is apparently a tie in and the host looked extremely confused at two fat Brits wishing to ride. What followed was the bell being rung approximately 2734 times in the lap of the ride.

Elfenfahrt was next, me and Matt in the front of the boat and a couple in the back. They were probably trying to have a nice time but the combined mass of geek nearly sank the boat when it left the station. This was followed by us trying not to sink the boat despite being so tempted to do so and we have form for nearly sinking boats. Speaking of boats, boat bar was closed near ASS so with some Eurosat tickets booked we made our own on the small boat moored near Sat and wandering into a bar and confusing the staff by trying to improve Mezzo Mix. We succeeded in improving it by adding rum x 2 and drinking on a boat. Drinking on a boat that'll float my boat. Oh wow.

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Eurosat completed we headed to Dancing Dingie, a ride we were told not to miss and for good reason. Then we headed to Dschungel Fahrt to ride it before it was removed and OH DEAR. I'm not adding pics or saying anything else, so instead have an epic geek shot.

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We headed to Snorri to remind ourselves that everything was right with the world and I had to buy myself a Snorri. Purchasing complete, we headed to Wodan which we had booked whilst waiting for Dancing Dingie and rounded out the day on park with a ride on Vindjammer enroute back to the hotel, to get ready to go to Traumatica.
 
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Mir was next and after having a roaring success with the virtual queue we booked it again as we were wandering out the exit.
It's interesting how some parks get virtual queue right but most mess it up completely.
It seems very hard to implement for the majority of parks.
 
EPs was great 95% of the time. A few small bugs but mostly easy to use. Just let you book a timeslot and roll up for it. Piraten for example was easy to book but a Wodan slot was a rare beastie.
 
So...Traumatica. We headed from the hotels to Greece on foot to be told we had to head to the EP Express so we headed back to the hotels as the Spanish station had been closed. Arriving at Greece on the Express we then had the next issue of Holland's barcode not working, serves him right for buying it off the dodgy guy down the pub who sells dragon eggs, holding up the entire queue. DISGRACE. Finally heading in we found a layout map of Traumatica.

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The Pack: Sabotage was the first maze. Based on bikers, thankfully not Ride To Hell: Retribution, we experienced a cattle pen. A bit weird to be inside EP but in a pen, thankfully the weather was decent as I imagine on a bad night it is a misery.

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Inside was fairly generic maze based in a bar and brewery. Decent but not world ending. Next up was Shadowborn: Reunion. At this point the drinks were kicking in, so all we can remember was sexy zombies. We made tried to make sure the actors didn't pick up on us as English so Matty spoke Welsh. Perwiggle. Surprised we weren't escorted off the resort.

Ghouls: Unleashed followed. A big ol' meat packing plant with a big ol' queue, longest queue of the night, all the way around the building and up and in. Unmoving and cramped it was unpleasant. The maze was really well themed with decent jumps in some places, none that got us though, so far.....

Resistance: House Of Rotters. Good name, crap maze. A very generic militia of the last people standing you must save humanity yawn fest. Oh dear. The final maze we did was The Fallen: Madness but first we headed for a drink and ended up with pure alcohol. This was a brilliant* idea. Well when in Traumatica, might as well have the signature.

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Armed with this wonderful concoction we joined the queue and watched as people were terrorised on the main path by a really big military bloke who was about 8ft tall, someone chasing people down with a chainsaw and finally some people doing a fire display. Heading in to the maze the first part was decent, then upon entering the second part full of mannequins, one walked towards us and I've never seen Matt jump like that. Proper comedy moment, so well done and looked so like the others but then walked. Brilliant.

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This sort of photo shows why we don't have many photos in this post. We are crap at photography.

Exiting the maze we headed back for the 1L version of the magic cocktail because damn it tasted so good and then headed for the Wasteland. This scare zone was the Project 42 style scare, find lots of rubbish out of stores and make a mess. Only a couple of actors and rather rubbish with an odd shipping container bottleneck. Only fun because we were pickled, would not recommend.

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Warzone was next to complete that dead end of the event despite the path looking like you could get to Pegasus. This was a simple street scene filled with simple but decent effects and actors, including the obligatory big dude rattling Heras fencing.

We then headed around to Shortcut and it was entirely forgettable. Can't remember a single thing from it. This was followed by us missing Pegasus by 2 mins and being herded back down Warzone to leave, still full of actors which was fun for those not expecting it.

We headed back to the EP Express but loaded from the offload platform in Greece to head back to the hotels. We ended up in a carriage with 6 people singing German drinking songs and us quietly remarking they were having fun but we clearly failed at being quiet as they asked if we were British, we said yes, and they all went waheeeeeeey, they then said they were German and we all went waheeeeeeeey. We are simpletons. Heading to the room, we saw it was nearly midnight and after Holland collected our purchases from front desk we enjoyed Badnerlied to welcome the new day and then fell asleep after showing we do have class.

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Mmm classy. Keeping Brits looking awful abroad.
 
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Day 5 dawned and surprisingly no hangover was present for either of us. Breakfast was inhaled then we set out for Voletarium, only to find that we couldn't walk through the park. We were sent to board the EP Express to find out it wasn't running, we had been informed that they were on one shift of staff on it due to COVID and we presume the hours wouldn't stretch to cover Traumatica and opening. Having had this set back we headed to Piraten because why not? Stupid sexy pirates.

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Following Piraten we bombed down to Voletarium and joined the horrid queue. The themeing was falling apart, the queue slow moving and felt awful to be in. Then we realised we were also sobering up in the queue, hence the lack of hangover. Joyus.

The ride itself was quite fun despite the huge amount of faff. Speaking of faff, we headed for Eurosat Coastiality Can-can Valerian thing. After squeezing past Silver Star's massively overflowing queueline, we headed inside. The start with the VR walking and climbing onboard with the avatars was great. The the ride started and the horror began. Jerky, laggy, boring and disappointing. Nothing close to Can-Can, just generic alien.

Following this rubbish, we decided to head to see Madame Freudenreich and her dinosaur friends. Loved it. Wholesome silly fun. This was followed up by Crazy Taxi and seeing @Jonathan and his balls.

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Fjord Rafting followed and after that the slot we booked for Wodan came up so we rode that and Niflheim. A walkthrough re-purposed to a scare maze thing? Really atmospheric and really enjoyable as a walkthrough and an interesting idea. I got separated as the smoke was so thick it was really hard to navigate. ASS followed and we headed to Ferria Swing and then Kolumbusjolle

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The Wiener Wellenflieger followed and then we wandered to Scandinavia and a plan was hatched to go to Kronosar. We got a cocktail from the area outside NordFire Blue2Stream Putin Express and the plan was afoot. The sensible route is to walk through the hotels to the bus according to Mike and Jon so we headed to the monorail where we were told to finish our drinks before boarding. After downing them we were shown the op panel and CCTV by the lovely op before traveling to Luxembourg. We then caught the train from Russia to the German/Austrian border and had a quick peruse of the shops (EP merch is sadly lacking in wearables) but we got some Mezzo Mix and some Traumatica merch from the pop up shop, before boarding the EP Express to the hotels and dumping our stuff in the room. Finally we boarded the bus after missing it by a min and headed to Kronosar. Mmm sexy moquette.

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Hotel Kronasar @ Europa Park Resort by MR-Fotografie, on Flickr

Food times next. Fish and chips for me, Beef on rye bread thing for Matt with Ciders abound as the bar wasn't open. This was followed by a pair of stupid cocktails when it did because we are stupid.

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This was followed by godlike portions of crème brulee. Large and wonderful. I wish I was back there. Need MORE.

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Food and drink consumed, we headed back to park. We'd seen a random plane ride and we knew we needed to do it. This was followed by Geisterscholoss, so bad it's good. An old school dark ride.

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This was followed by O'Mackays. Erdinger for Matt, Magners for me. After all the hype from these hallowed halls it felt wrong to go and not visit. A ride on Dancing Dingie was planned but scrapped as we headed Silver Star.

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Sadly it still wasn't running right and despite the queue moving, it broke down again and a train was removed. At this point Matt was nearly wetting himself so he was unimpressed. After boarding and riding, we stacked on the brakes which he was even less fan of. Finally getting off he disappeared to the bog and then we headed to Wodan. By headed, we mean sprinted. Scant minutes, we sprinted around, past the jammed Scandi village so around the far side of Vindjammer and in to the Wodan queue where we promptly keeled over and died. We then staggered down the queue for our final ride at Europa Park and it was worth it. Brilliant.

How do you follow this up? To Bell Rock!

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Yes that's a lampshade in a rum bottle with a light in and a flower pot. No these aren't a joke. Yes they're great and potent. A fitting way to end our stay.
 
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So to finally cap off this report, 4 months after the trip?!

We headed from EP to Holiday Park.

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Arriving at the park, we headed in after Matty went back to find his Covid proof. Silly boy.

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Seeing as EGF hadn't opened we headed to Sky Scream. Weird horror maze queue thing followed by a ride that was tolerable at the front. Finding this, we then rode it at the back and it was painful. Do not recommend.

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After terrible coasterage and a dark ride that was a bit odd we headed for the only food acceptable. 1m of German meat.

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After gorging on meat we saw EGF testing. Time to see what the hype was about.

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Was a bit nippy...

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So how was it? Bloody brilliant. My 100th cred for 2021 was brilliant. Really, really good and puts taller rides to shame. Sadly 1 train and really slow ops but the park was so quiet it didn't really matter.


We followed up with the indoor cred, the Gerst Sky Fly, the drop tower and a small star flyer and conscious of time we headed out via a ride we only did to make it a pain to write down. Not before breaking an indoor ride though....

Holiday Indoor - Holiday Park (Germany) by Perry Tak, on Flickr

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Coming from EP, it's sad Holiday Park has better merch but it just does.

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They weren't wrong. EGF is the only reason to go. Heading back to the airport, we dumped the hire car and flew back to London, stopping at German Maccies because why wouldn't we? We went back to the hotel in London ready for a final day exploring.
 
The last day we headed to the best station in London, saying hi to this chap on the way.

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And to the best station...


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Battersea Power Station Station. That is its full name and some beautiful person had created the check in for it as that already. Wandering around London we finally headed to MeatLiquor. Because we hadn't had enough meat and alcohol already.

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We then headed back out to Heathrow to collect the car and I went to drop Matty off at Cambridge North and went home. Trip complete with +19 each and both hitting 100 creds for 2021 during the trip, mine being EGF and Matt's being Wodan, with Wodan being my 200th cred overall too. A great way to close out the year of madness for creds. Thanks for reading despite it being so bloody late!
 
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