TowersStreet Wiki - User contributions [en]

Heather Slaw

2021-01-30T00:43:56Z

Danny:

[[Category: Meet Memes]]

Heather Slaw (not to be mistaken for the lesser-known Heather Shaw, or Heathershaw railway), is a convicted murderer, sex icon, BISON farmer, and raging MILF.

TST Skype

2019-05-31T12:23:20Z

Danny: /* 2019 */

Every <s>now and then</s> other day, TSTers from all ends of the country meet on Skype when [[TST Chat]] just [[Ripsaw|doesn't cut it]]. This usually creates spoken drivel through to the early hours of the following morning.

This page remembers some of the best quotes.

__TOC__

== 2010 ==

- Diogo: Oh, hang on, it just got bigger - what do I do?!?!? 

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- Diogo: I don't want to know where you're rubbing that...

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- Cheese: Is that a rat sitting on your sofa thing, Diogo?

- Islander: No, I think you'll find that's Kelpie...

- ''Kelpie Waves at Cheese''

- [a little while later]

- Cheese: It is almost justified, to be honest. Err, err, I mean the wiki page, not calling Kelpie a rat!

== 2011 ==

- Sasquatch: "You can't have a group as large as TST without someone catching Chlamydia"

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- Chris: "It's a good day when I don't have tits"

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- Cap'n Ogoid: I think I've been drinking too much lately

- ''Cap'n Ogoid swigs beer''

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- Sam:

There once was a woman called Hills,

At Chessington she sought her thrills,

Her relationship with Diogo

Was like riding a TOGO,

She's just in it for his RCT skills

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- John:

It's pictures. You can't wank over pictures.

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- Diogo:

I have nothing against cheese on sausage. But a cheesey sausage, on the other hand, is not something you'd want to encounter...

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[02:20:25] Jenna: and it's less offensive than some of the other things they call me 
[02:20:43] Jenna: I'm not telling you 
[02:20:52] Joelio: Lets work them out... 
[02:20:52] Jenna: because you'll then use them 
[02:20:57] Joelio: Jenson? 
[02:21:02] Joelio: Johannson? 
[02:21:10] Joelio: Johannasberg? 
[02:21:17] Joelio: Jopperberg 

[02:21:25] Jenna: what is with all the giant/big connotations Dan? 
[02:21:29] Jenna: what are you trying to say? 
[02:21:43] Jenna: but fat ones always seem to come to ur mind 
[02:21:56] Jenna: well that's easy to see 
[02:23:06] Jenna: idiot 
[02:23:10] Jenna: pig jokes now 
[02:23:48] Jenna: oh god and we're back to the time of the month again 

[02:25:21] Jenna: just Dan is on hitlist atm 
[02:25:28] Jenna: for calling me a bitch and fat 
[02:25:44] Joelio: I suppose Dan did plump for some bad comments. 
[02:26:05] Joelio: Its a big ask, making him shut up. 
[02:26:09] Jenna: that's just brilliant 
[02:26:21] Joelio: Just take everything with a large pinch of salt. 
[02:26:37] Jenna: Joelio you can fuck off too 
[02:27:00] Joelio: He's obese of a bad bunch ;) 
[02:27:26] Jenna: yeh right 
[02:28:20] Joelio: Lol, i'm in stitches here 
[02:28:45] Joelio: Jennas been tooting her horn... in the big gastric band in the sky 
[02:28:52] Jenna: JOELIO! 
[02:29:01] Joelio: I can't stomach this anymore 
[02:29:04] Jenna: I'm gonna kill you 
[02:29:13] Jenna: fucker 
[02:29:28] Joelio: Jonna you must ride with me on Congo River Lipids :D 
[02:29:35] Jenna: I'm not gonna ride anything with you 
[02:29:51] Jordan: You can take the 'with' out of your sentence Joelio :P 
[02:29:57] Jenna: urgh 
[02:30:05] Joelio: Whatever floats your fat boat 
[02:30:10] Jenna: cheek! 
[02:30:19] Jordan: Lots and lots of cheek tbh :P 
[02:30:23] Jenna: Jordan! 
[02:30:45] Jenna: right I'm coming to Scarefest now, fuck the mazes 
[02:31:00] Jenna: Dan! 
[02:31:05] Jenna: ur STILL making fat jokes 
[02:31:42] Jenna: JORDAN 
[02:31:53] Joelio: weight a minute, what is this? 
[02:31:53] Jordan: :-P 
[02:31:58] Jenna: JOELIO! 
[02:32:12] Joelio: Look what i've pound, another fat joke. 
[02:32:17] Jenna: ur a shit 
[02:32:23] Jordan: She'll kilo you, Joel ;) 
[02:32:27] Joelio: :P 
[02:32:33] Joelio: Mass one now. 
[02:32:42] Jenna: Dan that was dire 
[02:32:51] Jordan: *diet 
[02:32:56] Joelio: Lol 
[02:33:01] Jenna: maybe you should just shush and leave it to the experts 

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[1:09:52 AM] Rowe White: "What shall we do with a sodded Ogoid? What shall we do with a sodded Ogoid? What shall we do with a sodded Ogoid EARLY on the Skype-morn!" :P

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[02:42 AM] towersfreak: "If I had a vagina, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be upstairs fingering myself."

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Kelpie:

''T*o the tune of Oh Christmas Tree*''

Oh Pedobear, Oh Pedobear,

Why are you looking over there?

Oh Pedobear, Oh Pedobear,

Why are you looking over there?

Was that a young girl that you saw,

That you could go touch with your paw?

Oh Pedobear, Oh Pedobear,

Why are you looking over there?

== 2012 ==

[9:02:40 PM] Joelio: I would wildly bum rice pudding, if forced

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[1:33:28 AM] Diogo: I want to be king of boobies

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BALSDON!

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NooNoo: I think I'd rather go dogging with Gary Glitter than visit Liverpool.

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Joelio: I don't know what I'd do if I didn't find myself attractive as I couldn't stop touching myself.

== 2013 ==

Kieron: You might as well kiss goodbye to your Volkswagen arse tbh.

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Diogo: Of course everyone's out to get me. I know they are, because if I wasn't me, I'd be out to get me too.

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Diogo: Non-alcoholic wine's like a blowjob without cumming.

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(On the prospect of being locked onto Slammer for 24 hours straight)

Poison Tom 96: I'd be happy until I was hungry. Or needed a shit.

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Cap'n Ogoid: You can't have bacon if it's not made from a pig's arse.

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DeRp: I can't have a wank over someone who's bald.

[[Category:TST Induction]]

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Benedict: Has "Let Me Google That For You" changed it's name to "Let Me Noo Noo That For You"?

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Rowe: If I do this incorrectly... I will be killed by the... Germans... or something.

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Rowe: I did a health and safety... hazzzud on zis top, and my boobs, well, my nipples, can't be seen.

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Rowe: Have you guys heard of Tex Avery?

All: Of course / yes etc.

Rowe: He's kinda hot.

Benedict: [singing] Rowe's got a crush on a dead guy! Rowe's got a crush on a dead guy! Rowe's got a crush on a dead guy!

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Benedict: I'm sleeping with you next weekend, so...

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Cap'n Ogoid: i would gladly endure angry rhino rape if it meant this heat would stop

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Cap'n Ogoid: I want to go skinny dipping in an ice hole in the arctic circle.

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(After a long winded ramble about the possibility of cross breeding humans and apes)

Gazworld: So what you are saying, Kieron, is that you basically want to shag a monkey?"

Kieron: yeah.

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Balsdon (to Kieron, talking about going to an American spring break party): You'd better take your wellies because you'd be knee-deep in clunge.

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Diogo: Always jiggle before you wipe.

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Diogo: The Vulcan bomber could take 21,000lbs of bombs all the way to Port Stanley. However, it couldn't cope with Diogo's shit.

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[9:10:54 PM] Cap'n Ogoid: Hils is away, I've got a couple of days off work, and I'm bored of wanking now. Nothing left to do but drink.

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Ian: Ripsaw is like having your cheek caressed by your lover. Whereas Talocan is like being butt-fucked by Satan in the most pleasurable way, and to top it all, you've got no arms.

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Ian: After the nuclear apocalypse, there will be two things left: Cockroaches, and Huss rides.

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Kelpie: I'd rather have a house bat than a spider. They eat insects AND spiders, AND they are cute.

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DeRp: (To Tuggerz) John, is that Poison Tom with you?

Ogoid: Er, no, that's Amber.

DeRp: Oh, shit.

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Hils: Duffy can be made into bacon.

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Diogo: (after an espescially geeky Trek convo between Kelpie and Joel) I'm sorry, IGGY POP played a Vorta?! My world has just been turned inside out and buttfucked.

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Diogo: I would turn gay for the fucking Blug Blatter Beast of Traal before I would consider Weaslely fucking Crusher!

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Diogo (to Ian): Would you kindly stop pointing the camera at your nipples?

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Diogo: Do you even LIKE meat, Panda?

NooNoo: Well, she can eat sausage now...

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Diogo: I can only assume Ellie must be bloody fantastic in bed. Otherwise I can't see why Josh would put up with her.

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Ellie: Josh just broke the bed!

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Kieron: I just had a weird dream of NooNoo getting a foot massage from Ann Widdecombe.

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Kieron: Have you ever tried fucking a piece of meat? You know, just wrapped it around your cock and wanked?

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Diogo: (To Panda) Panda, being the token lady in the call, have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a cock?

== 2014 ==

Ashlee: That's not a giraffe!

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Poisson: Will, take your right hand off your knob and click something.

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Diogo: Georgia, have you been bumming Benedict with a strap on?

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Diogo: Do you prefer wanking into a puddle to having sex?

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Towers Freak: Hello Hello

Diogo: Is it me your looking for?

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Panda: I want something to eat.

Diogo: Cock

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Panda: You can have panda bacon, I'll cut off my arse and you can have that.

Amy: But you don't have much of an arse to chop off.

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Joel: If you do it more than three or four times in a row, it starts to get a bit sore.

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Russ: Well, it's my birthday on Monday, so I've got to make my last few wanks of being 22 special.

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Panda: Didn't all primary school classes have that one kid who was obsessed with horses? I feel that's Joel, but with penii.

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"Anon": I'm an open minded straight guy, but there's only so much gay porn I can write in one night.

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Stu: Sub Terraflakes, mmmmmm the taste of mediocrity.

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Diogo (While referring to 'Green Fire', the concept Mack coaster for Liseberg before Helix was built): I'd definitely fuck a man to go on that ride.

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NooNoo: My sex dungeon is basically full of hoover nozzles.

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Danny: My nipples are hard right now

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Rowe: I shouldn't ask this but would somebody write a fanfic of me and my Dave? :P

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Stu: I'm never getting pregnant.

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Stu: Leave my dressing gown alone.

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Stu: If I was a whore, I'd be loaded.

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Diogo: You wouldn't know a clunge even if it wrapped itself around your face

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(''Whilst on the subject of wages at a Wildlife park)''

DeRp: What do Park Rangers get?

NooNoo: AIDS.

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Diogo: I've just gone deeper into that than I would've liked to.

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(All in one go from Russ)

I was never nude in Boxy

I might of rubbed my cock on it for good luck but that's about it

Sort of like a magic lamp

Just to see if there was a genie in it

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Panda: I want to see Kieron's sausage

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(On the news that Ben was somehow pregnant)

Poisson: Laughing your fucking arse off? Maybe if it had been up there instead this could have been avoided :P

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THIS FUNNY: http://i61.tinypic.com/s2gswj.png

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[22:08:15] Kieron: New thread idea: 101 things you can go with Diogo's slaphead

[22:08:20] Kieron: 1) Play the bongos

[22:08:21] NooNoo: http://www.towersstreet.com/talk/?topic=169.0

[22:08:34] Evil Woman: 2) play a game of snooker

[22:09:10 | Edited 22:09:23] Matthew H: 3) call him baldy baldy slap head?

[22:09:23] Kieron: 4) Eat a full english breakfast from it

[22:09:35] Evil Woman: 5) crack it open and dip soldiers?

[22:09:48] Panda: 6) Bowling ball

[22:10:10] Evil Woman: 7) slide apart his head and use it as an observatory shield

[22:10:38] Kieron: 8) Use it as a dildo

[22:10:53] Evil Woman: 8) cover it in chocolate and sell it at easter

[22:11:19] Evil Woman: 9) put humpty dumpty out of a job

[22:11:53] Evil Woman: 10) write the word universal on his forehead and make him rotate

[22:12:18] Kieron: 11) Use it as a climbing thing for kids
http://toverland.nl/en/assets/images/attracties/Land_van_Toos/Klimhoed/011001_klimhoed-header2%20565%20x%20360.jpg

[22:12:27] Panda: 12) Rub it and hope a genie will appear

[22:13:06] Kieron: 13) Sprinkle glitter on it and pretend its a gel pen

[22:13:09] Craig: 14) Solar death ray

[22:13:09 | Edited 22:13:16] Evil Woman: 15) bounce lights and lazers off it at parties

[22:13:32] Danny: 16) Freeze it and use it as an ice skating rink

[22:13:37 | Edited 22:13:42] Matthew H: 17) use it as a drinks tray

[22:13:44] Panda: 18) Implant solar panels inside

[22:13:58] Evil Woman: 19) wax it and use it as a dance floor

[22:13:59] Kieron: 20) Hollow it out and use it as a home for inuits

[22:14:14] Matthew H: 21) use it as a Jackolantern at Haloween

[22:14:23] Danny: 22) Bounce signals into space with it

[22:14:36] Evil Woman: 22) slam dunk it with 5 seconds remaining

[22:14:53] Kieron: 23) Put a flashing amber light inside of it and get him to stand next to a zebra crossing

[22:14:54] Panda: 24) Become the next Vladmir Putin

[22:15:10] Russ Moss: 23) Using it to stretch new shoes

[22:15:22] Kieron: 26) Become the host of the crystal maze

[22:15:26] Danny: 27) Use it as a crystal ball

[22:15:33 | Edited 22:15:38] Evil Woman: 28) become the finale of the crystal maze

[22:15:38] Panda: 29) Paint it a rainbow colour to be mistaken for a Skittle

[22:15:40] NooNoo: RUSS! :D

[22:15:43] NooNoo: NooNoo glomps

[22:15:51] Matthew H: 30) lick it

[22:15:59] Mike Wooldridge: Hey Russ!

[22:16:08] Danny: 31) Paint a face on it, cast it out into the ocean and scream I'M SORRY WILSON as it floats away

[22:16:11] Russ Moss: 31) A Skin coloured M&M

[22:16:17] Kieron: 33) Obtain a new job http://www.fancypantsalley.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/38054.jpg

[22:16:23] Panda: 34) Prize within the Crystal Maze

[22:16:31] Russ Moss: 35) Use it as a warhead

[22:16:41] Evil Woman: 36) hang it off a christmas tree

[22:16:50] Kieron: 37) Reflect light off it to burn things with

[22:16:52] Vicky Taylor: 35) Cast a bald cap for the trademarked Diogo costume

[22:16:56] Russ Moss: 37) To mild easter eggs with

[22:16:58] Panda: 38) Battering ram

[22:17:02] Russ Moss: mold

[22:17:23] Matthew H: 39) use it to break up a sam and meat pie arguement

[22:17:32] Vicky Taylor: 40) Fortune teller's orb

[22:18:44] Danny: 41) Use it as a replacement for one of the wheels on Train 5

[22:18:48] Kieron: 41) Printed in all maths textbooks to teach kids on 3d geometry or pi

[22:18:51] Russ Moss: 41) To extract natural gas with

[22:19:20] Kieron: 43) As a butt plug

[22:19:24 | Edited 22:19:28] Evil Woman: 44) as part of a newtons cradle

[22:19:49] Matthew H: 46) as a birthday present for Hills

[22:19:49 | Edited 22:19:55] Evil Woman: 47) the centre of EPCOT

[22:20:04] Danny: 48) The home of Eurosat

[22:20:13 | Edited 22:20:35] Kieron: 49) To model the perfect ice cream scoop

[22:20:27] Dar: 50) A stamp moistener

[22:20:32] Panda: 51) Bog brush

[22:20:43 | Edited 22:20:51] Matthew H: 52) As a sexual enhancement drug

[22:20:46 | Edited 22:20:51] Danny: 53) A stress ball

[22:21:07] Evil Woman: 54) bollock

[22:21:08] Vicky Taylor: 55) a space hopper

[22:21:28] Evil Woman: 56) poi poi

[22:21:35] Russ Moss: 54) A replacement to the Safeway Cafe mushroom chairs

[22:21:44] Evil Woman: 57) matt clifton's stunt double

[22:21:45 | Edited 22:21:59] Danny: 59) A wrecking ball

[22:21:53] Kieron: 59 was Dannys

[22:21:57] Kieron: just 41 away :D

[22:22:31] Matthew H: 60) A table

[22:22:33] Danny: Vicky duplicated one of mine, but we'll brush over that fact :P

[22:22:35] Russ Moss: 60) A DVD storage unit

[22:22:43] Kieron: 62) A novelty gear stick topper

[22:22:48] Panda: 63) Mandy's centrepiece http://www.sphere-fountain.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/aqualens4.jpg

[22:23:05 | Edited 22:23:13] Evil Woman: 64) an 1800's wooden globe

[22:23:21 | Edited 22:23:31] Danny: 65) A prosthetic testicle

[22:23:37] Kieron: 66) A famous exposition in London for the 2000 millennia

[22:23:55] Matthew H: 67) A welcome host for Cbeebies land

[22:24:07] Russ Moss: 68) A Toilet roll cover

[22:24:15] Danny: 69) A sex toy

[22:24:15] Kieron: 69) Tea Cosy

[22:24:17 | Edited 22:24:30] Evil Woman: 71) the head from art attack

[22:24:47] Matthew H: 72) A suicide machine

[22:24:59] Russ Moss: 72) A pottie

[22:25:03] Danny: 74) A shrunken head on the Knight bus

[22:25:20] Matthew H: 75) A size comparison guide for shits

[22:25:23] Vicky Taylor: 76) a trolley coin

[22:25:32] Russ Moss: 78) A tea strainer

[22:25:40] Kieron: 79) A model to show young girls what a boob will look like

[22:25:40] Panda: 80) A prize in the Shiny Show

[22:25:50] Matthew H: WE MISSED 77

[22:25:57] Russ Moss: 81) An automatic shoe polisher

[22:26:07] Kieron: Someone do a 77

[22:26:13] Danny: 77) A figure of 8 ball

[22:26:17] NooNoo: The numbering's gone fucked-up from the start tbh. :P

[22:26:25] Danny: Continue

[22:26:29] Kieron: Balsdon why aren't you contributing

[22:26:32] Kieron: we're almost at 101

[22:26:45 | Edited 22:26:49] Vicky Taylor: 82) a bowling ball

[22:26:51 | Edited 22:27:01] Russ Moss: 83) a Replacement for the Google Chrome Logo

[22:27:21] Mike Wooldridge: 83) A train wheel

[22:27:29 | Edited 22:27:34] NooNoo: 84) a site for a flea circus to erect its big top

[22:27:29] Panda: 85) A fine sacrifice for our supreme overlord, Cthulu

[22:27:32] Danny: 86) The sphere at the top of a Zierer Star Shape

[22:27:38 | Edited 22:27:50] Russ Moss: 87) A beehive

[22:27:47] Danny: Russ you are so out of sync.

[22:27:51 | Edited 22:28:00] Matthew H: 88) A John wardley statue

[22:28:07] Danny: 89) A Disney animatronic

[22:28:11] Mike Wooldridge: 89) A place for spiders to kip

[22:28:25] Kieron: 91) An anal bead

[22:28:36 | Edited 22:28:43] Matthew H: 92) A place for insects to breed

[22:28:39] Vicky Taylor: 92) a fondue pot

[22:28:57] Panda: (Psst, write what you're going to put first then go back and add your number when you're ready)

[22:29:00] Russ Moss: 93) The world cup trophy

[22:29:03 | Edited 22:29:28] Poisson: 95) Giant Eraser

[22:29:14] Kieron: Poisson that was 95

[22:29:32] Kieron: 96) A stick of anti-persperant

[22:29:47] Russ Moss: A grave stone 97.

[22:30:00] Mike Wooldridge: 98) A bike reflector

[22:30:00 | Edited 22:30:08] Kieron: 99) A speed bump

[22:30:04] Matthew H: 100)A mother

[22:30:14] Kieron: 1 more...

[22:30:21] Panda: 101) Lint roller?

[22:30:24] Ashlee Kelly: 101 a pet rock

[22:30:26] Poisson: YES

[22:30:27] Poisson: DONE

[22:30:29] Kieron: Lint roller :P

[22:30:31] Matthew H: 102

[22:30:33] Kieron: Congrats guys

[22:30:37] Kieron: Shall I post it on the forum

[22:30:38] Russ Moss: Didn't take long

[22:30:39] Poisson: YES

[22:30:40] Russ Moss: yes

[22:30:40] Danny: Diogo's head actually has some use...

[22:30:41] Mike Wooldridge: Yes!

[22:30:42] Kieron: any extra can be posted below

[22:30:44] Poisson: Screen shots and all

[22:30:47] Matthew H: Yes, forum

[22:31:08 | Edited 22:31:15] Poisson: Wikiying it

[22:31:12] NooNoo: I vote that it goes in the Tavern.

[22:31:18] Panda: Took 23 minutes

[22:31:27] Mike Wooldridge: Yeah i'd pop it in ze Tavern

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Kieron: I shat out a third of a baby.

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After being awake for 20 hours and doing 2 exams:

Diogo: Me and Matt are planning on doing Southend at some point.

Poisson: Are you planning on doing Blackpool while you're there?

Diogo: Err, where do you think Southend is?

Poisson: Ohhhh fuck, and I'm a A2 Geography student *mumbles excuses, including that Southport and Southend are similar enough*

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Panda: I'd make passionate love to a pizza if I could.

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Benedict: I ''do'' watch the international [football] games, but that's only because I'm a little bit racist.

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Benedict: If the rape conviction rates continue to fall, does that mean we get buy one get one free?

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Panda: I'd rather have a cock and just go windmilling it around.

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Panda: I like sniffing Joel's pants.

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Benedict: Thorpe's getting a bit Thorpey now.

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Rowe: I wish I could have a stiff wank that would create glitter and rainbows.

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Panda: Ian, is that your penis?

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Craig: brb just popping to the petrol station, chucking a quid in the vac and hoovering out my vagina

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Kieron: Am I the only person who finds Maggie Thatcher a little bit sexy?

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(after a general sense of shock at how light is is for 9pm)

Diogo: Well, it ''is'' the solstice today.

Panda: Is it? Oh yeah, cos it's seven months since the Sundown meet, and that was the shortest day.

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Panda: My nipples are hard from thinking about Margaret Thatcher.

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Danny: What sort of world are we living in when a queue line toilet is more swank than anything Queen Liz shits on?

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Panda: I'm too hot. Can someone come round and fan me?

Kieron: No, just get Shaun to come round and helicpoter his massive cock around.

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Diogo: lock up yer Nintendos, Panda's getting pissed!

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Diogo: Now come on - I know cum stains, OK?

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Ian: We should build an Intamin Accelerator from here to America, using Ireland as the launch room.

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Ellie: Going in the shower! I'll be back later!

Diogo: Webcam pl0x.

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[19:34:39] Panda: NooNoo:D

[19:34:51] NooNoo: Yes, Panda?

[19:35:02] Panda: Haiiii

[19:35:23] Slappy O'Head: WILL YOU TWO JUST GET A ROOM AND MAKE BABIES ALREADY?

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Diogo: Everyone has nipples.

Ian: Unless you have them removed.

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Diogo: Hils, what colour are my pubes?

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Kieron: Fuck Apple.

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Panda: You might as well fuck me while I'm bending down.

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Kieron (Allegedly quoting Gilbert Gottfried): Angela Lansbury...What a vagina.

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(After a discussion about the Kegworth air disaster in January 1989)

Kieron: I just found out that there was another one about three weeks earlier called the 'Lockerbie disaster'.

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Kieron: Do you want to know another fun fact about Lockerbie?

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Diogo: Liking your own post is like sucking yourself off.

Hils: Oh come on, what guy wouldn't do that if they could?

Diogo: yeah, but then we'd have to swallow our own cum.

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Joel: What was Hitler's last name?

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Ian: Diogo, it tingles when I touch it.

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Diogo: Have you ever mistaken your cock for a chilli and cut that up instead?

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Panda: I want to give a blowjob to a diabetic guy.

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(after Joel bought the wrong ice cream flavour)

Derpy Diana: real nana bits or nana flavoured ice cream?

Joel Stanford: Flavoured ice cream. its called Satisfy My Bowl :/ lol

Derpy Diana: could be worse

Derpy Diana: could be shit covered cock flavour

Panda: Oh

Derpy Diana: or used tampon surprise

Panda: OH

Derpy Diana: or aborted fetus chunks in gooey frozen spunk

Joel Stanford: LMFAO

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Joel (to Ian): Will I have to drag you out of bed by your cock?

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Diogo: Is that DeRp coming from Panda again?

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Panda: I want to hear a bee cum.

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[21:26:36] Tom Burbage: Does EP have a map?

[21:26:37] Danny: Whenever someone finishes one I imagine.

[21:26:42] Danny: No Tom, it doesn't.

[21:26:47] Tarin Maria: Nah, you navigate by Euro Mir

[21:26:48] Tom Burbage: I’d be hopeless finding my way aounrd

[21:26:50] Danny: The world's greatest theme park

[21:26:50] Tom Burbage: WTF?!

[21:26:52] Danny: No map.

[21:26:55] Danny: Can you believe it?

[21:26:59] Tom Burbage: No, I can’t!

[21:27:03] Matthew Holland: Euro Mir and the sun!

[21:27:06] Kieron: To be fair even with a map I still get lost -.-

[21:27:09] Kieron: I know Iceland!

[21:27:12] Kieron: and that’s about it

[21:27:16] Danny: Even if it did, it still wouldn't do it in numerous languages either

[21:27:19] Dan Hindhaugh: LMAO

[21:27:21] Danny: Or a showtime leaflet

----

[21:29:00] Dan Hindhaugh: they dont do paper maps

[21:29:02] Tom Burbage: that’s fine then

[21:29:03] Dan Hindhaugh: well they did once

[21:29:05] Tom Burbage: right, ok

[21:29:06] Dan Hindhaugh: but they were €1.50

[21:29:07] Tom Burbage: that’s fine

[21:29:11] Tom Burbage: as long as there’s something

[21:29:16] Tom Burbage: Roland saving the planet!

[21:27:24] Danny: How fucking stupid

----

Danny: Have you ever had a shit, Tarin, that's so big, you've wanted to pick it up, put it back in your arse and shit it back out again?

----

Benedict: It's all fun and games until you're staring at a dead baby.

----

Joel Stanford: Mary Berry is fit.

----

Diogo: Ian, I can see your arse and your face at the same time. I don't like it.

----

Joel (to Ian): Are you Snapchatting while I'm shagging you?

----

Diogo: Hello, I'm a nipple.

----

Joel (to Ian): Panda wants to cum in your ears with your AIDS.

----

Panda: Never thought I'd dominate both Ian and Joel with my long, black thing.

----

Panda: My browser history is a dark place.

----

Diogo: Anything can be a dildo with imagination.

----

Diogo: Georgia, can you queef on cue?

----

Joel: No, no, don't put that in my mouth!

----

Diogo: Well, at least the trains would run on time.

Noonoo: Actually Mussolini never made th-

Diogo: Look, we've all seen QI, alright? Stop being Stephen Fry's little fucking parrot.

----

(On the subject of certain sexual acts being made illegal in porn films made in the UK)

Diogo: Well, that's my entire wank collection out of the window.

----

(In connection with some sexual acts being made illegal in UK-made porn films)

Joel: Spanking

Caning

Aggressive whipping

Penetration by any object "associated with violence"

Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of if consensual)

Urolagnia (known as "water sports")

Role-playing as non-adults

Physical restraint

Humiliation

Female ejaculation

Strangulation

Facesitting

Fisting

Craig: ^Joel’s day off?

NooNoo: :P

Joel: Nah its my wish list with you Craig ;)

Craig: not much left to tick off then!

Joel: Yeah, female ejaculation is a tough one :[

----

Noonoo: Carrie Fisher? Was she in Ghostbusters?

----

Joel: I always forget Craig rammed me up the arse and wrote it off :(

----

Danny (to Panda): You fluffy fucker!

----

Kelpie: Kids are fine as long as they aren't sticky

----

(On the subject of Thomas the Tank Engine)

Diogo: Edward is the only engine you'd want to go out for a pint with.

----

Diogo: A little tip for you, guys. Be careful when you helicopter.

----

Diogo: Kieron, if it meant I could shag [name redacted], I'd shag you in the process.

----

Kieron: If you're British and you go on spring break, your knob will be worn down to a stump.

== 2015 ==

Derpy Diana: I seem to have lost 8lbs in the last week. YAY FOR BEING ILL!!! :D Mind you, I've probably taken 8 shits in the last 7 days...

----

Kieron: When you're in a hotel room and you've wanked yourself to death, Jurassic Park is a great way to end the evening.

----

Kieron: Panda, you know if you stand on a Lego brick, it hurts?

Panda: Yeah.

Kieron: Do you think it'd hurt if you put a Lego brick up your vagina?

----

Ian: Diana Beer 100% proof - You’ll hit the wall faster than she did

----

Diogo: If I were gay, I'd turn straight before fucking you.

----

Diogo: If I drank this much and I had kids, they'd be taken away from me.

----

Dan: You know what I want to do when I go to China?

Joelio: What, stand in front of a tank?

----

Noonoo: Oh, yeah - that mole almost turned me straight.

----

Dan: Right, I want to find Diogo's cum stain...

----

Diogo: Craig, I want to see your pussy.

----

Benedict: [on looking at the Tivoli Gardens website] Oh god, it's all in Denmarky... bollocks! The only English word is Elton John!

----

Joel: I now have a hairy pussy in my mouth every time I go to bed.

----

Diogo: Wow. I've just totally been emasculated by a teenage girl :(

----

Ashlee: Why has this been leaking all over my hand?

----

NooNoo: How can Busty Kirsty wank herself off? She's a man.

----

Diogo: Why am I still watching Pterodactyl porn?

----

NooNoo: Ah, but if I line my stomach, I can drink for longer. ;)

Ogoid: Ah, but if you don't, you can get pissed quicker. ;)

----

Ashlee: Have you ever tried to aim a vagina into a bottle?

----

Danny: The awkward moment when all the scaffolding makes Towers look more like a fucking construction site than Diggerland.

----

Astrodan: Kieron, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger, not Schwarzenigger

----

DeRp: Are you vaping there, Ashlee, or is that some sort of dildo?

----

DeRp: She could feed an entire fucking orphanage with those tits.

----

DeRp: It's quarter past I'm a knobhead.

----

DeRp: Women only have to see a black cock, and they then start dripping like an egg mayo sandwich.

----

Slaphead: Why would you want to bum yourself?

----

Slaphead (while talking to DeRp about how he could get a black cock): Just colour it in with a black Sharpie. She'll never know.

----

Hils (looking at a picture of a rocket): It looks like a tampon.

----

Joel: What's wrong with Sexy Hitler?

----

BigDave: I might be gay, but stuffing your whole arm up there is just wrong!

----

DeRp: The thing is, Balsdon, I'm constantly in a hole.

----

Poisson: Drugs! I need drugs!

----

Slaphead: Fuck me, he looks like a paedophile.

----

Slaphead: Elections are really just a chance for the BBC graphics bods to helicopter their cock in your face and shout “LOOK AT ME!”

----

Joelio: What, that man's wrinkly cock up my arse? Sounds like a good weekend, that.

----

Ogoid: Quiet tonight, skype is.

HRH Queen Ashlee: Clal tonight, I wouldn't mind

HRH Queen Ashlee: Yet people, there are not

Ogoid: People we need. A good call the success of, depends on.

Kimberley: I need to revise for my exam on Wednesday :( but after that I am DONE

Ogoid: Worry not about exam. Examin the worry, you should.

Kimberley: Procrastinated all day, the worry is there :P

Ogoid: Procrastination leads to internet. Internet leads to porn. Porn leads to sticky.

----

Joel: My sister bought me some strap-ons.

----

Slaphead: If someone from Yorkshire rapes you, that's just their way of saying 'Hello!'

----

Diogo: *plays "Ride On Time" by Black Box

Balsdon: Is that Annie lennox?

----

Slaphead: Do you WANT me to lick your feet or something?

----

Slaphead: What has come out of your buttocks? Radiation?

----

Diogo: (While talking about how you board Thunderbirds) ...buttfucking the arse of the rocket...

----

Diogo: The Vulcan is a plane I would gladly fuck up the tailpipe.

----

"Anon": [name redacted] is OK in small doses. Like chemotherapy.

----

Ashlee: I can talk about sandwiches.

----
Ashlee: Dunkirk? I thought that was in Ireland?

----

Slaphead: ...So I now have three rubber pussies.

----

Joel: Stop wanking!

----

Joel: Was the Berlin wall built to keep the Jews out?

...

Joel: Oh, so David Hasselhoff brought down the wall?

...

Joel: Is Hiroshima in China? South Korea? NORTH Korea?

----

Panda: Who the fuck's that?

Dan: err... your boyfriend.

----

(Whilst discussing the subject of class related to what part of the UK you're from)

NooNoo: Diogo, I was born in Birmingham, spent most of my life in Cornwall, and am now living in Staffordshire. What does that make me?

Diogo: A fuck-up.

Panda: A faggot.

----

Dan B: Wait wait wait... Balsdon wants to talk about vaginas! The floor is yours, Jon.

----

Benedict: I want a fart or a shit. I'm not sure yet.

----

Diogo: I invented dick.

----

DeRp: My favourite rail crash has to be...

----

Joel: Who's Anne Frank?

----

Kieron: Do you know who won World War Two?

Joel: ...No.

----

Diogo: Somewhere in the afterlife, Liberace is being fucked in the arse by Freddie Mercury, and he's looking down on you right now, and he's thinking 'Christ, that's gay'.

----

(Noonoo joins the call)

Panda: Hello Noonoo, do you want to see some porn?

----

Kieron: Georgia, never go under my bed.

Craig: It's like an Auschwitz for socks...

Panda: you are never getting another blowjob again.

----

Panda: Kieron; I've got something quite concerning to show you...

Kieron: Oh god, it's not a test result is it?

----

Diogo: No woman has ever wanted a Lego Dildo. Panda, do you want Lego up your sniz?

Panda: [silence]

Dom: I do!

----

Kieron: Would you give me a blow job if I dipped my cock in KFC gravy?

Panda: Does a bear shit in the woods?

----

Kieron: It's almost like all the fun of being disabled, but without being a cripple.

----

Kieron: Asians just don't fucking die.

----

Panda: it's no fun when you don't see blood and guts.

----

Diogo: Hils is ill so I'm not getting any. If I wasn't on Skype with you, I'd be wanking.

Kieron: It's like when a set of points fail and you have to hand pump them.

----

Panda: (To NooNoo) Delete all your porn folders.

Diogo: I'd rather die.

----

Diogo: The glue that holds Gideon Bibles together in hotel rooms is actually made from NooNoo's spunk.

----

Kieron: I will wank you off for discount.

----

* Ogoid sharts all over the skype room *

NooNoo: Lovely.

Ogoid: Deal with it

NooNoo: I already am. :)

Ogoid: sniff it.

Ogoid: SNIFFFIIIITTTTTT!!!!

NooNoo: Erm...

* Ogoid rubs NooNoo's face in it *

Ogoid: Now lick it and say "boy, what a lovely chocolate cake"

----

Poisson: What would you do if you heard the 4 minute warning? What could you do in four minutes?

Diogo: That's not enough time to tear doors off their hinges...

Kelpie: Have a wank! Four minutes is enough time surely?

Diogo: I'm not sure if I could get it up under those circumstances...

NooNoo: It's like the ultimate danger wank!

----

Diogo: (to Hils) I need to untangle my head from your arse.

----

DeRp: I wonder if anyone's had a wank over the Queen.

----

Diogo: If you want to lubricate an anus, don't lick it - spit on it - because when you are about to fuck someone up the arse, the time for being delicate has long gone.

----

Noonoo: I'd like to see my parents try to pry me off some guy when I'm doing the nasty with him.

----

Noonoo: It's like a bomb exploding in my pants when I fart.

----

Noonoo: Mincemeat nipples!

== 2016 ==

Poisson The Penguin: Skype?

Ogoid: We need more peeps! Summon some and we might be on to something.

Poisson The Penguin: How does 1 summon?

Ogoid: Well, first you have to draw an inverted pentagram on the ground in goat's blood....

----

Danny: If I worked for Krispy Kreme, I'd replace the cream in the doughnuts with my own shit.

----

Ogoid: (to Hils) If I had major surgery, the first thing I'd want you to do is suck my fucking dick.

----

Panda: Noonoo, do you want to be in some hentai porn?

----

Panda: It'd just make your vagina invert.

----

Ogoid: If I had the internet as a teenager, I dread to think how much my keyboard would be covered in my sticky jizz.

----

Panda: My ovaries have exploded and I need to scrape the remnants off my walls

----

NooNoo: (on the subject of women being cold on the tube) I don't know why they don't just shove a soldering iron up their vag and have done with it.

----

NooNoo: Diogo, next time you're fucking Hils, you'll just be thinking of my mother.

Ogoid: ... and just like that, I'm suddenly gay.

----

Benedict: You know what makes a really good nightcap that's not meant to be?

NooNoo: AIDS?

----

Dan: Sorry, couldn't hear you, Kieron was talking about Celine Dion in Eurovision.

Diogo: What the fuck? Kieron, are you ''sure'' you're straight?

----

Diogo: I went to catholic school.

Poisson: Speaking of being molested...

----

NooNoo: kill it, hump it, then eat it!

----

Diogo: Anyway... fluffy kittens!

NooNoo: Anal beads!

----

DeRp: I'm just thinking about Death Row.

----

Poisson: I mean Syria: how did that happen?

Ogoid: Hils? you're news, how did Syria start? I mean, was there a mummy Syria and a daddy Syria who loved each other very much....?

----

Noonoo: (While Danny was undergoing radio therapy in hospital) Danny, have you been tasting your own radioactive sperm?

----

Diogo: [To Danny] You're the best person to get cancer

----

Diogo: Why don't cancer victims have more impromptu raves on their wards? You think they'd be wanting to live a bit

Danny: They're trying to...

----

Danny: It's times like this when I enjoy having cancer.

----

Diogo: I wouldn't suck his dick for a week or two, Kim. Unless you want your teeth to fall out.

----

Poisson: At least grinding teeth doesn't happen with dick in mouth.

----

Ashlee: I bet you were all bloking it up with pint your of tits.

----

Ashlee: You have Ramadam, then Eid, then there's like, Eid 2; Electric Boogaloo.

----

Ashlee: I'm really bad at screwing.

----

Ashlee: Weasels are really cute. They must be, like, a real thing!

----

(During the Rio Paralympics opening)

Ogoid: I'D RATHER DIE THAN HAVE NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO BUT SPORT!

I mean, if terrorists captured me, and said "it's your call, you can either kick this ball ten feet, just once, or we burn you alive, rape your corpse and feed your charred remains to a tiger"..... I'd opt for the fiery, spunky, toothy death.

----

Poisson: Can bunny rabbits wank? (Quoting a question from Nicole)

----

Poisson: (To Nicole) You're making me hard.

Nicole: Tom, stop pounding my leg.

----

Ogoid: Sweet and sour clitoris. Omnomnom.

----

HRH Queen Ashlee: I'm making pie and mash

Ogoid: Well I've never heard it called that before.

HRH Queen Ashlee: Why what do you call pie and mash?

Ogoid: Hey Hils, what do we call that thing we did earlier? You know, the one that ended in us having to change the sheets?

----

NooNoo: Ashlee? Clal?

Ogoid: She's too busy mashing her pie.

----

Ogoid (to Hils): Just bend over on webcam, would you?

----

Kelpie: This is NOT making me gush...

----

Ogoid: No, you can't have any rum, Pteppic.

----

Poisson: You'd have friction burns for three months.

== 2017 ==

----

[name redacted]: I work on the railways. It's fine. I can cause an accident.

----

NooNoo: Fluffy kittens, everybody!

Poisson: Never Alien probed

Ogoid: I was talking about aliens

Poisson: I probe fluffy kittens

Ogoid: o.O

Poisson: Was expecting that

Ogoid: o_O

Poisson: They weren't expecting it

Ogoid: Clearly

Poisson: Me-OWWWWWWW?

Ogoid: I hope the only reason you were fucking a kitten is because you wanted a furry condom for when you fucked a lion?

Poisson: Barebacked a lion tbh

Ogoid: I wrap mine in barbed wirse when I fuck lions. I like to hear them scream

Poisson: I'm big enough to make them scream

Ogoid: That's not what your mum told me last night

Poisson: Because I don't walk around naked at home, it drags along the floor if I do

Poisson: Carpet burns on it :'(

Ogoid: People think I'm fat. In fact, its just where I keep my schlong, coiled up like a fire hose.

NooNoo: Well, that explains that...

Poisson: Just don't do a Pierre on cam then

Ogoid: When I helicopter.... i take out helicopters.

Poisson: Mine has to have a beacon on the end when exposed outside, so jets can see and avoid it

Poisson: 30000ft mofo

Ogoid: I hire mine out to NASA as an orbital teather for space elevators

Danny: You fucking weirdos

Poisson: Nicole is now on about her dick ffs

Ogoid: :P

Poisson: Nicole is claiming the Twin Towers 9/11 was her

Ogoid: I turned round too fast once, and my cock whipping about wiped out the dinosaurs. All in one swipe.

Poisson: If I wasn't around, the earth wouldn't be canted on its axis thanks to the weight of my dick

Ogoid: I might take a few swings at the moon later tonight, see if I can't get a hole in one in the sun.

Poisson: Skype tonight then XD

Poisson: We need proof

Ogoid: LIVE on webcan!

Poisson: WHy do you think I'm still here

Ogoid: Only trouble is, there's not a lense in the world that's wide enough.

Poisson: Hubble?

Ogoid: Since when does a TELESCOPE have a WIDE ANGLE lense?

Poisson: Surely it should be big enough, I mean mine touches the end of the universe

Poisson: And Hubble tracks it as much as it can

Ogoid: Telescopes, by their very nature, have extremely narrow angle fields of view. You might just be able to get my bell end in shot, but even so, it's so far away that by the time the light reflected of my glistening japs eye reaches hubble, it would actually be showing you what my todge looked like several million years ago.

Poisson: The reason the colour shift exists is because when I breathe it causes such a massive change

Ogoid: The entire universe is actually located INSIDE mine. This means that YOU live inside my genitals. this makes you a sperm, which i will now proceed to wank out in to a tissue and flush away.

Poisson: So you=Merlin

Poisson: You = USA

Poisson: You = George Bush

Ogoid: me= Penisgod.

Poisson: You = Clinton

Ogoid: Nah, I jizzed her out weeks ago. I think she landed in some pizza place or something

Poisson: Ping...

Poisson: Pong...

Poisson: Small children in thongs

Poisson: Old people touching their dongs

Poisson: Ping

Poisson: Pong...

Ogoid: I'd say this needs to go on the wiki.... but I'm not sure where to start

Poisson: Take your right hand and place it on your penis

Poisson: That's how to start

----

Tom: (to Nicole) Yes it IS making you wet. I can tell.

----

Ogoid: Hils is away for the weekend, so I've gotta have something to wank to.

----

Danny (to Kim): Your shits could've gassed all the Jews in Auschwitz.

----

Ogoid (to Hils): How is your bum so soft?

Hils (to Ogoid): Because I wash it with Fairy liquid and buff it with a dead Andrex puppy.

----

Ogoid: Panda, can you just cut the crap and give me an image to wank to, please?

----

(In the context of nuclear war)

Hils: You'd be a fondue of flesh.

Ogoid: Just melt me down and dip things in me.

----

Jordan: *waves from the tall corner*

Panda: How's the weather up there?

Jordan: Yeah, it's good, 'cause I can reach the air con.

Panda: Oh, yeah, cause hot air rises.

Jordan: Yeah, it's been rising from all the hot air from your bitching.

Alex: Anyone need the burns unit again?

----

HRH Queen Ashlee: It's days like this I'm glad I don't have a dick :P

----

(Regarding the election results for Birmingham Ladywood)

Slaphead: Ooh, looks like a big win for the Dirka Dirka Muhammad Jihad party.

Ashlee: Is that an actual party?

----

Panda: Why is porn not working? MAKE THE PORN WORK!!!!!!!!

----

Ogoid: My drunken masturbations are more co-ordinated than Paris.

----

Panda: I'm not going to ruin an ice lolly with vaginal juices, am I?

----

Diogo: French wifi: it's like the normal internet, only as soon as something more challenging than plain text HTML comes along, it runs away and surrenders.

----

Poisson: If you could just hook her up to every fire engine that was at Grenfell Tower, it'd still be bone dry.

----
NooNoo: He's so far in the closet he's practically buttfucking Mr Tumnus.

----

Diogo: If she didn't have such a delicious-tasting pussy...

----

Stu: I need my nipples greasing.

----

Benedict: I've got Schindler's List up there and I still haven't seen it.

Diogo: Oh, that's good wank material.

----

Stu: Isn't a female priest technically a nun?

Diogo: No, a nun is a female monk. Catholics don't let women be priests...they aren't gay or paedo-y enough.

----

(Whilst on the subject of Movie Park Germany)

Poisson: Half the park needs a good cleansing, which is what Germany loves doing.

----

(Regarding the news that Charlie Brooker's 2017 Wipe will not be happening)

NooNoo: It would've been a great edition if it had gone ahead. Then again, all the Wipes are bloody brilliant. :P

Diogo: I especially like the wet wipes.

NooNoo: To ease the ring sting after you've had a particularly nasty dean?

Poisson: Isn't that what a rimjob is for?

Diogo: ... It's not often I am rendered speechless.

----

(After a conversation about Strictly Come Dancing)

I do lights, not steps.
At best, I can count beats and bars. Gimme a time sig and let me light it.

*** Ogoid searches for a scooter song with a 3/4 time sig.... ***

You could do a quick step to "whatever you want", but there is no such thing as a Scooter song in 3/4 time.

pant

pant

pant

So.... just attempted to do some Strictly to Scooter with Hils....

pant

pant

She claims Scooter jumpstep is a jive, not a quickstep.

pant

pant

pant

pant

Will

pant

Take

Pant

her word

pant

For it

pant

Pant

----

Balsdon: Well at least you didn't have your sniz out.

Panda: No! My sniz SHOULD have been on show. That's when things get interesting!

----

(Referring to a pint poured by Diogo from a new keg)

Poisson: (to Nicole) Oh, it gives better head than you!

== 2018 ==

NooNoo: This is basically just splitting pubic hairs now, isn't it?

----

Poisson: You think that's awkward? Try watching porn in a nursery. With your dick out.

----

Stu: You're coming in and out at my end. (In reference to audio quality. But still).

----

[Name redacted]: imagine trying to use anal beads on a dead baby!

----

Ogoid: I've never felt less sexy than when I'm having a shit.

----

Joelio: [hipster burger joints] are everywhere these days. The other day my dog crouched down in the garden and shat out a Five Guys.

----

Panda: I'm a good Christian, Balsdon.

----

Diogo: It's dark days when it looks like Apocalypse Now.

Az: I'm in Wales. It's no different.

----

Nat: See, I watched puppets have sex last night.

----

Ashlee: Oooh, I know what I'm going to spend my winnings on!

Slaphead: A giraffe?

Noonoo: A dildo?

Slaphead: A giraffe shaped dildo?

----

Slaphead: You can get gay arseholes- wait, that sounds wrong.

----

Noonoo: That's NOT a didgeridoo!

----

Tom (to Nicole): ARRRRRGH! I've got a wedgie, please stop!

----

Diogo: I'd stick my mouth around a cow's cunt and eat the calf as soon as it came out.

----

Noonoo: I enjoyed it as much as having a gangrenous wart on the end of my bellend.

----

Poisson: What's your favourite non-inverting steel coaster?

Noonoo: Anal beads.

----

Diogo: You have to admire fascist architecture.

Hils: Oh yeah. I can admire churches, but I disagree with what they stand for.

----

Diogo: I wouldn't trust Theresa May to put in her own fucking tampon.

----

Diogo: I've never seen your penis, and I've never seen your vagina.

----

Poisson: If you dig your own grave, expect people to piss on it.

----

Diogo: You know you've been drinking beer when.... Your piss looks cloudy enough that for a brief second, it looks drinkable...

----

Diogo: So getting back to genocide...

----

Danny: Diogo your face looks exactly like what a pair of testicles do in Year 7 when you first start growing pubes.

----

Diogo: PortAventura is in the North of France

== 2019 ==

Danny: I mean I'd rather have cancer again than read the shit on TPR.

----

Poisson: To be honest, I'd probably bang on Skype if I could be bothered.

----

Diogo: Just woke up from a dream where Nat dragged me to Thorpe, only for us to witness a kid shoot another in the face, right outside the ticket queues when we got there.
Security didn't give a fuck. After all, he didn't try to bring the gun IN TO the park. I happened to catch the whole thing on camera. Tried to show the token police twat at the entrance. They were more interested in busting another kid for carrying a single spliff through the park gate.

Body was left there all day. People just stepped over it. When we left at the end of the day there were seagulls pecking his eyes out.

Normal day at Thorpe

Danny: That poor kid is now in a critical condition...

Diogo: no, he was shot dead.

Danny: No you twat. The LWV kid.

TST Skype

2018-12-24T22:21:14Z

Danny: /* 2018 */

2014-01-28T11:02:14Z

Danny:

[[File:Thebworm.jpg|300px|thumb|right| The Bookworm, look away in fear]] The bookworm is the most underrated attraction in Alton Towers history. Unknown to the public and Alton Towers enthusiasts, the bookworm has an extensive history and legacy and his teachings are quoted by many world leaders and philosophers. He is not to be confused with his similar, yet less successful brother <strike>pedo worm</strike> [[Storybook Worm]].

== History ==

The bookworm applied for work at Alton Towers several times throughout 1995. The worm undertook several job interviews, where he would only answer with phrases such as "squishy splashy goochy sploochy wobbly bobbly whoopsie daisy things". This both scared and irritated the park employers, but a loophole in the official Alton Towers fairness of employment document allowed the worm infinite attempts at job enrollment for the scarcely wanted role of Storybook Land caretaker. By the fifth attempt at being accepted, employment staff gave in and filed the bookworm as official Alton Towers staff and caretaker of Storybook Land, starting work at park opening day 1996.

Leading up to this date, Storybook Land was to be constructed, but the constant harassment of the worm up until this point meant that the area had to be constructed within 3 days, which lead to [[John Wardley]] going to extreme measures cutting down his plans for the [[Squirrel Nutty]] rollercoaster with [[B and M]]. This included the removal of its SW4 tag and scrapping landscaping, track inversions and the world's first element so extraordinarily terrifying and complex, that it could only be constructed in the Storybook Land area and nowhere else in the world. John Wardley requested Alton Towers not to include credit for the ride or any of Storybook Land, and for everyone who he worked with and knew his involvement with the ride to be neutralised.

[[File:Government_Warehousebig.jpg|300px|thumb|right| The location of the worm in 1998]]The great Alton Towers conceptual designers and themeing constructors of the 90's slaved hard, day and night to construct an adequate and magical area. This included what would be the new home of the The Bookworm. By 2001 these few good men had died of shock, after the 3 days of constant stress and anguish.

Opening day came, and with it came the Bookworms first day on the job. By the end of the first day Alton Towers had received more than 10,000 complaints, and to this day that record has not been broken, although it was followed closely by opening day 2003, 2006 and 2011. And 2012 once people had experienced Nemesis Sub Terra. And 2013 when The Smiler refused to open on time. The complaints were of the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iwtQM_3fsk risqué nature ] of the bookworm towards children, whose comments included offering to take a nap with him and finding his balls. What followed was the great bookworm controversy of 1996 - 1998, Where 100's of attempts by Alton Towers to dismiss the worm were failed because of their extremely exaggerated equal opportunities document.

The bookworm caused much grief to Alton Towers and its guests up until 1998, which saw the opening of [[Oblivion]]. The management did not want this event to be dampened by the bookworm, so they ordered an by a skilled individual and his crew members. The worm was gassed, tied up and nailed into a wooden box and taken to a secret government warehouse in Nevada, U.S.A.

== Re-birth ==

[[File:Bbegins.jpg|250px|thumb|right| The film adaptation]]At some point in 1998 the worm used his two possessions, a magnifying glass and a child enticing poetry book, to pinpoint a strip of light from above onto the page of the book and create a small fire <strike>bollocks</strike>. The worm escaped surprisingly easily, and what followed was a journey of self discovery and reflection. The worm travelled by hijacked plane to the Himalayas, south Asia where he was trained in kung-fu, meditation and philosophy. After 4 years (10 minutes, montage time), the worm was contempt, and wise beyond any mans/womans years.

Up until this point, another worm had replaced the bookworm called the Storybook Worm. After a press interview regarding why Alton Towers had let this worm stay when he was just as bad, if not worse than the other, management exclaimed "Ah f**k him". [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AumSpbT26yI&feature=related The worm returned] to Alton Towers to give his wisdom and share his teachings, and the other worm is rumoured to be in captivity inside the [[Black Hole Tent]]. [Since the demolition of this tent, his whereabouts remain uncertain].

== The Shrek Incident ==

On 20th of October 2010, at precisely 2:17am, a broad Scottish accent was heard with several footsteps. It was in fact Shrek, the founder of Dreamworks animation and an amanuensis. The blundering oaf was reported to say "I want all this crap torn down, the squirrels on nuts to be turned into me on Fiona and you..." The bookworm immediately used the 'hand of death' move on Shrek, drop kicked the amanuensis and decked the Dreamworks founder. As a result no more Shrek films will ever be made.

== Legacy ==

To this day the worm has helped, inspired, given tactical information and comforted many, including John Wardley, Christopher Nolan, Sir Alan Sugar and her majesty The Queen. He is also regarded as one of the greatest thinkers of our time. At some point a man was trapped in the house behind the bookworm, and his only possessions are a laptop and a 'black hole maintenance' card. Any cries from this man are disregarded, I should know. To all that come to his sanctuary the following guidelines should be followed:

''approach the worm with fear in thy heart 
''and with a heavy burden on thy chest, 
''Press thou crimson button withst thy index finger 
''no other finger shalst be worthy enough. 
''Arise ye worm, arise...he speaks. 
''Let the warmth of his words extinguish thy fear 
''and thou burden be banished for eternity. 
''Now let him rest, his work be done 
''and do not disturb him, or hell ye break loose. 

Or just listen to his half-arsed joke and p*ss off.

== <strike>Death</strike> Retirement ==

With the arrival of CBeebies Land, an official spokesperson from the resort declared the old Bookworm would be <strike>murdered in the most vile, disgusting and innovative way imaginable</strike> placed into retirement, curled up by a roaring fire in a picturesque retirement home in a far away land where his outrageous jokes would live on forever.

However in a sick twist of events, rumour has it that the Bookworm has been discovered "residing in pieces behind Cloud Cuckoo Land. Unloved, unwanted, broken and dead."

== External Links ==
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iwtQM_3fsk Early Years] 
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AumSpbT26yI&feature=related A new man] 
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6-rQ6Jay6w Alton Towers management on the imprisonment of The Bookworm] 
[[Storybook Worm]] 
[[Shrek 4D]]

[[Category:Characters and Mascots]]