Wicker Man

Latest revision as of 10:46, 17 May 2020

Wicker Man (Or Needstobequickerman, Wicker Woman, Wikiman) is the World's first wooden roller coaster to fuse wood with fire the World's third wooden roller coaster to utilise wood and fire, as well as the first wooden roller coaster to be built in the UK for 21 3 years.

[edit] Origins

It is believed the ride originated from a cult of Scottish travellers who visited the park on their annual pilgrimage (the weekend after the Uttoxeter races of course, enough hell breaks loose as it is on that day). On this day they rode The Flume, unearthing a giant rubber duck buried deep within the earth. Scorned and terrorised by the quite frankly, fucking terrifying quacking noises, the cult retreated to the highlands to plot their revenge.

The following year the cult returned to the park and sealed the duck inside a not so secret vault. With no budgets to remove the obstructions preventing access to the duck, Alton Towers were forced to close The Flume..... forever. *Quacks in depression*

Following The Flume's removal in a desperate attempt for the park to banish the evil power of the closure, the Scottish cult (now calling themselves The Beornen) begun to erect (hehe) a statue to their own God (He had a big chin though). Given the male dominance of the statue, The Beornen opted to alter arse end of the statue to something which was less likely to piss off raging feminists. A glorified ram.

During the building of the giant metal wooden statue, park management stumbled upon the materials to be utilised. Before The Beornen even had the opportunity to mutter "penny pinching bas...", the wood pieces were cut down to size and flung straight onto the shelves to be flogged to utter morons in Towers Trading.

Eventually, Towers caught wind of The Beornen's scheme and feared the legal implications from the Scottish cult (Some reason in the middle of Staffordshire) having not applied for planning permission. In order to please the local council, both parties agreed a wooden roller coaster was to be built through the structure (named Big Bob after a failed referendum vote to rename the bell within London's Elizabeth Tower), as the park had more luck building these sorts of things with shoddy ride layouts tacked onto them. (See Thirteen).

After much consultation, an American cult known as 'Great Coasters International' were drafted in to design the roller coaster. With some further meddling from a certain retired Right Honourable Supreme Leader John Wardley, PhD, MSc, STD, MA, BSc, BA, OBE, MBE, HRH, the ride was completed well ahead of schedule (well doesn't that make a sodding change for once?!)

[edit] But the story didn't end there

Legend has it that after weeks of successful testing, complete with staff and desperate geeks claiming to be press, and a pinky promise that The Beornen's obsession with fire would not pose a risk to riders, the ride was ready to be opened.

This was until Merlin Entertainments' very own evil overlord caught wind of the extreme marketing gimmicks being used to sell the ride. In absolute fury and his belief that wooden roller coasters are not perceived well by the public, he opened his shareholder's book of excuses and screamed a curse:

"For every snowflake that falls from the great, big sky, a wooden roller coaster at Alton Towers, would cease to operate".

That very same night a minor storm raged, and with one mighty gust of wind, a single snowflake fell from the great, big sky.

And true to the evil overlord's prophecy, a wooden roller coaster at Alton Towers suddenly, and mysteriously.... ceased to operate.

Scorned by the interference from the evil overlord, the American cult plotted their own revenge secretly tampering with the ride. The following weekend with the evil overlord's prediction of "wooden roller coasters not being perceived well by the public" having gone tits up, thousands of individuals keen to get a ride on some wood flocked to the park to finally experience the first wooden roller coaster to be built in the UK in 21 3 years.

That is until everything fell on its arse, with the ride closed for half the day and only reopening with 5 out of the 12 available rows on each train. What. A. Farce.

The issues persisted in the weeks after, whilst the American cult flew back to the states laughing their way to the bank with a £16 million cheque (obviously in USD equivalent).

In 2020, Big Bob was quarantined from the screens from within himself to prevent himself getting COVID-19 and suddenly and mysteriously the screens disappeared.