Thorpe Park: The Musical

Thorpe Park: The Musical is a brand new project recently announced by Merlin Entertainments Ltd as their first attempt to branch out into the theatre industry as an entertainment company, with a budget of £6 and planned premier in the Arena at Thorpe Park.

Tickets are rumoured to be: Stalls at £1,000. Lower Circle at £2,000. Upper Circle at £4,000.

Fasttrack for this show is also rumoured to be £50456833546 to enter the Arena 1.1 milliseconds before everyone else.

Plot

Rumoured to be written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, "... an action adventure within a Staines theme park, combining romance, tragedy, monologues about the sheer pain Chavs go through to be accepted in society... and lemurs..."

Act 1

Rides break down at Thorpe Park.

People complain. Rides get better. They break down again.

Act 2

Someone has a epiphany. Nobody really cares. Another ride breaks down.

Act 3

Agnes gives birth on X:\WTF. Still nobody really cares.

Act 4

Someone goes toilet in the Tidal Wave pool. No-one notices.

Act 5

Someone has a cup of tea and they wait for all this to blow over.

Proposed Main Cast List

• Michael Ball - Marius the Mechanic
• Michael Crawford - Erik the Phantom Mechanic
• Lee Mead - Trevor the Varicoloured Chav
• Lea Michelle - Trevor's Pregnant Girlfriend, Agnes
• Richard O'Brien - Igor the Time-Warped Ride Operator
• Elaine Page - Doris the Guest Services Cat
• Tim Curry - The Real Nick Varney
• Barbra Streisand - Barbra Streisand
• Jasper Carrott - Waldey
• Jonathan Ross - Man on SAW: The Ride
• Mazz Murray - Killer Queen (Laura Friedman - Head of Marketing)
• Louie Spence - Ride Operator

Song List

Version 1 (Variety)

Although only half of the song list has been released, it has been rumoured Elton John will be working on the music with Barry Manilow on the lyrics, accompanied by Lil' Wayne and T-Pain as musical contributors.

1. All Chavs Allowed
2. Who Wants To Ride Anyway
3. Queue Jumper! (Prosecutor!)
4. Technical Delay - The Mechanic's Song
5. Kumbayah! ([Ride] Is Broken, My Lord)
6. The Pizza Hut Buffet Blues
7. Let Me Detonate You
8. The Rumba Rapids Rumba
9. Stealthy
10. If Only We Could Rollback (Time)
11. One Delay More
12. Fire Exit (No Way Out)
13. There's Nothing Here For The Kids (feat. Kid Cudi)
14. Another Man Rides The Rush
15. The Music Of The Fright Night
16. I Am The Agnes
17. I Have A Complaint (There's No-One Home)

Version 2 (Daft Punk w00t!)

Other rumours tend to suggest that French House Band Daft Punk will be scoring the musical. Naturally this makes the musical awesome.

1. One More Ride
2. Da Funky Stench Near SAW
3. Robot Rocks Near Colossus
4. Aerodynamic (Song for Stealth)
5. Ride it, Break it, Fix it, Test it, Break it, Tape it, Kick 'n' Destroy it.
6. Something About Colossus
7. Rollin' and Scratchin' the floor with our feet.
8. Alive (Just)
9. Burnin' Witches
10. Advertisments Rules The Nation

No wonder Thorpe Park are running out of money! (Yeah right, I wish)

Never Coming Soon.

Merchandising

Original Cast Recording Soundtrack

• Digital Download (96 Kbps mp3!)
• Standard CD (Burnt onto a Tesco Value disc)
• Strictly Limited 2 disc edition (Second Disc featuring ride noises, some examples are "Exciting Chain lift!" and "Hydraulic Launch!")
• Strictly Strictly Limited Vinyl Edition (smashed, naturally)

Clothing Range

All clothes by Bench and Henleys.

• "Insert Name Here" went to Thorpe Park and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt.

Unconfirmed "Ride it, Break it, Fix it, Test it, Break it, Tape it, Kick 'n' Destroy it lyrics (Daft Punk: Technologic)

Buy it, ticket, queue it, use it, Walk it, run it, ohhh - you broke it, Screw it, change it, run it, twat it, Snap it, work it, quick - re-open it, Chav it, brap it, punch it, kick it, Luv it, bruv it, quick - translate it, Want it, wait it, broke it, evac it, Twat and bop it, load - unload it, Latch it, lock it, dispatch it, broke it, Download it, hate it, dam - f*ck it, Complain it, get s*it, threaten it, get it, Got it, use it, yay - exit pass it, Ride it, rate it, love it or hate it, Lunch it, brunch it, queue? - oh f*ck it, Want it, queue it, wait it, watch it, Ride it, break it, test and tape it.

Ride it, swing it, queue it, review it, Post it, read it, ohhh - you hate it, Watch it, wait for it, ride it, broke it, Snap it, work it, quick - re-open it, Chav it, brap it, punch it, kick it, Luv it, bruv it, quick - translate it, Lunch it, queue still s*it, queue it, eat it, Slurp and burp it, dam it taste s* it, Latch it, lock it, dispatch it, broke it, Download it, hate it, dam - f*ck it, Complain it, get s*it, threaten it, get it, Got it, use it, yay - exit pass it, Ride it, rate it, love it or hate it, Watch it, wait for it, quick - photo of it, Want it, queue it, wait it, watch it, Ride it, break it, test and tape it.

THORPE PARK!!!!!!! [4x]

Buy it, ticket, queue it, use it, Walk it, run it, ohhh - you broke it, Screw it, change it, run it, twat it, Snap it, work it, quick - re-open it, Chav it, brap it, punch it, kick it, Luv it, bruv it, quick - translate it, Want it, wait it, broke it, evac it, Twat and bop it, load - unload it, Latch it, lock it, dispatch it, broke it, Download it, hate it, dam - f*ck it, Complain it, get s*it, threaten it, get it, Got it, use it, yay - exit pass it, Ride it, rate it, love it or hate it, Lunch it, brunch it, queue? - oh f*ck it, Want it, queue it, wait it, watch it, Ride it, break it, test and tape it.

Ride it, swing it, queue it, review it, Post it, read it, ohhh - you hate it, Watch it, wait for it, ride it, broke it, Snap it, work it, quick - re-open it, Chav it, brap it, punch it, kick it, Luv it, bruv it, quick - translate it, Lunch it, queue still s*it, queue it, eat it, Slurp and burp it, dam it taste s* it, Latch it, lock it, dispatch it, broke it, Download it, hate it, dam - f*ck it, Complain it, get s*it, threaten it, get it, Got it, use it, yay - exit pass it, Ride it, rate it, love it or hate it, Watch it, wait for it, quick - photo of it, Want it, queue it, wait it, watch it, Ride it, break it, test and tape it.

Touch it, break it, close it, fix it, Re-open it, ride it, dam, broke it.

Latch it, lock it, send it, broke it, Phone it, code it, dam, I hate it, Buy it, ticket, queue it, use it, Thrash it, walk it, WAIT!!!, merchandising it, Watch it, snap it, zoom it, photoshop it, Snap it, work it, quick upload it, Write it, review it, post it, thanks for it, DAM it, check it, quick rewrite it,

Buy it, ticket, queue it, use it, Walk it, run it, ohhh - you broke it, Screw it, change it, run it, twat it, Snap it, work it, quick - re-open it, Chav it, brap it, punch it, kick it, Luv it, bruv it, quick - translate it, Lunch it, queue still s*it, queue it, eat it, Slurp and burp it, dam it taste s* it,

Buy it, ticket, queue it, use it, Walk it, run it, ohhh - you broke it, Screw it, change it, run it, twat it, Snap it, work it, quick - re-open it, Chav it, brap it, punch it, kick it, Luv it, bruv it, quick - translate it, Want it, wait it, broke it, evac it, Twat and bop it, load - unload it, Latch it, lock it, dispatch it, broke it, Download it, hate it, dam - f*ck it, Complain it, get s*it, threaten it, get it, Got it, use it, yay - exit pass it, Ride it, rate it, love it or hate it, Lunch it, brunch it, queue? - oh f*ck it, Want it, queue it, wait it, watch it, Ride it, break it, test and tape it.

Ride it, swing it, queue it, review it, Post it, read it, ohhh - you hate it, Watch it, wait for it, ride it, broke it, Snap it, work it, quick - re-open it, Chav it, brap it, punch it, kick it, Luv it, bruv it, quick - translate it, Lunch it, queue still s*it, queue it, eat it, Slurp and burp it, dam it taste s* it, Latch it, lock it, dispatch it, broke it, Download it, hate it, dam - f*ck it, Complain it, get s*it, threaten it, get it, Got it, use it, yay - exit pass it, Ride it, rate it, love it or hate it, Watch it, wait for it, quick - photo of it, Want it, queue it, wait it, watch it, Ride it, break it, test and tape it.

Lock it, latch it, dispatch it, broke it, Phone it, code it, dam, this ride's s*it, Love it, hate it, post it, rate it, Hype it, show it, ultimate ride it, Build it, paint it, test it, advertise it, Open it, ride it, dam, we broke it, Want it, queue it, wait it, watch it, Ride it, break it, kick 'n' destroy it.

THORPE PARK!!!!! x12