Chav

The Chav is a species of human being that is commonly found in cities, towns and theme parks. Members of the Chav race can often be distinguished from ordinary people by their choice of vocabularly, earings, cigarettes and the tendancy to call everybody they pass by on the street a "gayboy".

Chavs make up 78.6% of the General Public, and are the most successful species of human probably because of their inability to control their breeding habits. They often avoid the Alton Towers smoking ban because they think they are cool. Another popular habit is to spit at people from high places, showing off their saliva glands to the to attract a mate.

However, a Chav tends to be rather friendly and therefore most vulnerable when alone or with parents. It's best to catch them in this situation in order to gently converse. This may result in the Chav having an epiphany and change in lifestyle, depending on how you talk to them. An extreme example is switching from being a 'hard man' to 'softly spoken gentleman'.

Popular Chav Phrases

• Brrrap brrrap, innit!
• Innit, blad!
• Innit, breadbins!
• I is well 'ard, innit!
• Wikid! (Considered by many chavologists to be an invalid Chav phrase because of the absence of the word "innit")
• Leg it ta Rita, innit! It's well sick, blud!
• You f*****, s*** l**** r*****ing, innit!
• Let wu' go then, innit! (Generally only heard in locations "oop North" of England)
• P*sseh ride, innit!
• Innit!

Why are they here?

The chavs inhabit the Alton Towers grounds because there is a source of food and there are lots of things for them to vandalise and sleep in, the chav also like Alton because here there are people to hassle and intimidate. They are also extremely stupid, they tend to become easily aggravated and regularly find themselves in some sort of trouble.

What is being done to rid us of this problem?

There is a new project under way to trap the chavs and return them to their natural habitat (outside shops and at local parks), this is being achieved by creating a new chav trap, this consists of a brightly painted hollow pipe, the chav will be confused by this and scientists have discovered that a flaw in the chavs DNA means that if confronted by a bright hollow tube the chav will place its head inside it, this when the chav trap will tighten over its head and trap it, then the chav collection squad will arrive, put it in a van and drive it to its new home. This trap was tested in 2010 and it worked, trapping a particularly stupid chav and rendering him even more useless to society.

What should you do if you spot a chav ?

Remain calm, it is probably more scared of you than you are of it, find the nearest member of staff and confirm a chav sighting, he will then send in a squad to capture it, or lay a chav trap, a chav can be identified by wearing a cheep tracksuit, some surprisingly expensive stolen trainers, a cap and walking with what can only be described as swagger, do not approach the chav as it may bite you, if this happens then visit the medical centre on towers street where you will be given an anti scum shot, if you go without this shot then you will start to ware increasingly worse cloths, not shower, begin to speak their language and have no aspirations of getting a job.

Alton towers are currently dealing with this problem in their 10 year plan and the problem will soon be over. Thank you for reading.