Thorpe Park: The Musical

Thorpe Park: The Musical is a brand new project recently announced by Merlin Entertainments Ltd as their first attempt to branch out into the theatre industry as an entertainment company, with a budget of £6 and planned premier in the Arena at Thorpe Park.

Tickets are rumoured to be: Stalls at £1,000. Lower Circle at £2,000. Upper Circle at £4,000.

Fasttrack for this show is also rumoured to be £50456833546 to enter the Arena 1.1 milliseconds before everyone else.

Plot

Rumoured to be written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, "... an action adventure within a Staines theme park, combining romance, tragedy, monologues about the sheer pain Chavs go through to be accepted in society... and lemurs..."

Act 1

Rides break down at Thorpe Park.

People complain. Rides get better. They break down again.

Act 2

Someone has a epiphany. Nobody really cares. Another ride breaks down.

Act 3

Agnes gives birth on X:\WTF. Still nobody really cares.

Act 4

Someone goes toilet in the Tidal Wave pool. No-one notices.

Act 5

Someone has a cup of tea and they wait for all this to blow over.

Proposed Main Cast List

• Michael Ball - Marius the Mechanic
• Michael Crawford - Erik the Phantom Mechanic
• Lee Mead - Trevor the Varicoloured Chav
• Lea Michelle - Trevor's Pregnant Girlfriend, Agnes
• Richard O'Brien - Igor the Time-Warped Ride Operator
• Elaine Page - Doris the Guest Services Cat
• Tim Curry - The Real Nick Varney
• Barbra Streisand - Barbra Streisand
• Jasper Carrott - Waldey
• Jonathan Ross - Man on SAW: The Ride
• Mazz Murray - Killer Queen (Laura Friedman - Head of Marketing)
• Louie Spence - Ride Operator

Song List

Version 1 (Variety)

Although only half of the song list has been released, it has been rumoured Elton John will be working on the music with Barry Manilow on the lyrics, accompanied by Lil' Wayne and T-Pain as musical contributors.

1. All Chavs Allowed
2. Who Wants To Ride Anyway
3. Queue Jumper! (Prosecutor!)
4. Technical Delay - The Mechanic's Song
5. Kumbayah! (Ride Is Broken, My Lord)
6. The Pizza Hut Buffet Blues
7. Let Me Detonate You
8. The Rumba Rapids Rumba
9. Stealthy
10. Burn, Baby, Burn (Nemesis Inferno)
11. Banana Salsa (Mr. Monkey Got it Going On)
12. If Only Fish Could Fly (Feat. Mr. Kipper)
13. If Only We Could Rollback (Time)
14. One Delay More
15. Fire Exit (No Way Out)
16. There's Nothing Here For The Kids (feat. Kid Cudi)
17. Another Man Rides The Rush
18. The Music Of The Fright Night
19. I Am The Agnes
20. I Have A Complaint (There's No-One Home)

Version 2 (Daft Punk w00t!)

Other rumours tend to suggest that French House Band Daft Punk will be scoring the musical. Naturally this makes the musical awesome.

1. One More Ride
2. Da Funky Stench Near SAW
3. Robot Rocks Near Colossus
4. Aerodynamic (Song for Stealth)
5. Ride it, Break it, Fix it, Test it, Break it, Tape it, Kick 'n' Destroy it.
6. Something About Colossus
7. Rollin' and Scratchin' the floor with our feet.
8. Alive (Just)
9. Burnin' Witches
10. Advertisments Rules The Nation

No wonder Thorpe Park are running out of money! (Yeah right, I wish)

Never Coming Soon.

Merchandising

Original Cast Recording Soundtrack

• Digital Download (96 Kbps mp3!)
• Standard CD (Burnt onto a Tesco Value disc)
• Strictly Limited 2 disc edition (Second Disc featuring ride noises, some examples are "Exciting Chain lift!" and "Hydraulic Launch!")
• Strictly Strictly Limited Vinyl Edition (smashed, naturally)