The Smiler

Secret Weapon 7 (commonly abbreviated to SW7) will be the latest in the long line of over-hyped coasters at Alton Towers, designed by the Marketing Department. Whilst there is no confirmation as to what it will be yet, the ride is rumoured to be the world's first stand-up wooden babycoaster, including a FREE stay-down breakfast. SW7 will open in 2013 if they can be arsed to get done on time.

The rollercoaster will be manufactured by Pinfari (following Vekoma being deemed as too expensive), and feature 8 inversions, hence the rumoured name, E8g8t. You will have to sign a form declaring that you are not a chav in order to be allowed to ride; all chavs (along with trolls, noobs, and people who don't write Hex - The Legend of the Towers out in full) will be sent to Rita instead, to ride her like the whore she is.

In addition to this, additional rumours arose on the Alton Towers Facebook page that SW7 will be named "THE FLYING KINKONATOR" will be built over Hex in a few years.

The ride will be themed on Stephen King's IT, specifically Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Staff will sell Fasttracks while in costume and character of Pennywise, IE) "don'tcha wanna Fastrack? Don'tcha wannit? Don'tcha WANNIT!?, DON'TCHA WANNIT!!??" but they will not be permitted to bare fangs until the Scarefest fortnight.