Thorpe Park
Oops, Maybe You Were looking For Fail
(Graciously stolen from Unencyclopedia. Thanks!)
Geldaland/Obditude is a park in Chertsey, near Mongolia so care must be taken when driving to the park. It is suggested that all car doors and windows locked and all limbs to be kept inside the car at all times. It was built in 1979 on the site of a cesspit which was partially flooded to make the park smaller. The park's first large roller coaster, Lolossus, was added in 2002 and to this day has had nearly a whole hours worth of maintenance .
- Location: United Kingdom
- Operating Season: Who cares, it's rubbish anyway!
- Rides Open: Once a Century. (Stealth open one morning in June if no repair work is needed)
- Area: 3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 inches
- Rides: Nemesis Instupendo, Humdinger, Rushed, XXX, For the lossus, Bore-tex, Shamurai, Health, Drybina Slumba Cr*pids, Snore: Alive and SORE: the ride.
- Slogan: Join the queue for real fun!
- Mission: To provide the UK's worst day out!
Contents |
History
The park was opened in 1979 by Henry VIII shortly after he killed his 4th wife. The main attraction at the time was the first catapult attraction in the UK, where small cats were launched from rubber bands into the surrounding cesspit. Other early attractions include XXX:\What The F*&# and Tidal Wave (known as Titanic at that time). Both these rides continue to stand (but not always operate) to this day.
Shortly after the park's opening it sought to compete with Brighton Pier's ride prices on food alone (luckily rides didn't cost per ride) they were just £300.00 for unlimited rides (well the open ones) as for Brighton Pier's £2000.00 per ride charge.
Creche Service
There is a creche service available. To access the park's child care facilities simply give each child £60 and send them to a drink vending machine and then leave. Your children can be picked up from the lost and found office conveniently located by the park exit at the end of the day.
Food and Drink
Refreshments are a little on the pricey side at £60 per bottle of water, but that is a small price to pay to stop kidney failure due to dehydration.
All the usual fast food outlets are present, ranging from KFC to Nemesis Nosh. The staff are friendly for Londoners and remember, unless you want special sauce, do not engage in laughing at their low-income jobs until after you receive your food. Normally the best time to go ride the rides is at lunch time when all the fat people are feeding.
Attractions
Port Atlantis
The main attraction of this large pointless dome is the bar. This is an essential part of every visit as a crafty shot of cheeky Vimto in between every ride makes for a more interesting day. Anything takes the edge off the freezing temperatures of a hot English summer.
Amity Cove
The main attraction in Amity Cove is Tidal Wave, built in 1827 and shipped over from France. It is an old favourite. The ride takes riders 100 feet in the air and drops them into a slightly damp sponge far below. For those of you that don't want to risk piles from walking around in damp thongs all day a 0.5 watt heater/dryer is available for £30 a minute.
Stealth
Thorpe Park's biggest attraction, HUMDINGER Stealth can be found here but since it is stealthy it is not easy to find. Stealth is a pioneering new rubber band launch hyper-active disorder coaster that takes 60mg of Ritalin before shooting riders out of the station several inches inches into the sky. A common misconception is that the ride travels 0-80 in under 2 seconds. This is actually referring to the queue time. If you need to find the maintenance team (a man called Bob) he can normally be found scratching his head while looking at the rubber bands under this ride. A common failure of the ride is rollback, which is caused by a lot of fat b*s*a*d* sitting towards the back of the train. This then results in the fat people being ejected from the park and the slightly less weighty ones get another ride without having to queue.
The ride comes to a disappointing ending as the ride takes 17 seconds to finish and the lap restraints take 17 minutes.
Lost City
The Lost City is a hard place to write about and an even harder place to find (which is why its hard to write about). When you finally find the Lost City it is worth the hunt because there is:
- Zodiac, a roundabout
- Rush, a swing
- Vortex, a roundabout sellotaped to a swing
And Colossus, the park's first real roller coaster. Built in 2002 by Intamin, a company notable for creating unreliable (and dangerous) rides, Colossus is the worlds first money extraction coaster, and has been cleverly designed to remove all your spare change, body piercings, belly button fluff, internal organs and small children from your possession. To save money, the park maintenance team (Bob) has removed all the wheels from this ride to save greasing the bearings. The sound of grinding metal can be heard all over London, even above the constant sound of gun shots. Colossus is more commonly known as either lolossus, colossucks or for-the-lossus
No: Way Out To Sex was originally designed to disappoint guests and make them leave thinking about how much time they wasted in the queue. It is located in a pyramid so guests cannot see how poor the ride actually is and will still waste their time standing in a long queue to experience a piece of crap, this is obvious by the guests' disappointed looks as they exit the pyramid and remarks such as " it was sh*t"
Calypso Quay
Nemesis
Nemesis Inferior is an attempt to make a ride like Nemesis at Alton Towers. The designers failed to top the reputation of the original Nemesis, but at least it was still better than Infusion at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. If you have back problems, heart conditions, intoxication, impotency, or old age, this is the ideal ride for you. Nemesis leaves the station then enters a cave of dry ice to fuck up any asthmatics, then it does something else and then returns back to the station. This is the longest ride in the park and takes a staggering fifteen seconds to complete the circuit.
The main similarities of this ride to the Nemesis in Alton Towers (besides the name) is the teenage, pregnant, spotty staff, which I am assured that they have all attended the two hour course on advanced roller coaster operation procedures and checking safety belts.
Detonator
Just outside the KFC take-away is every anorexic's favorite ride, Detonator. This one hundred foot high stomach pump is designed to help even the fattest of fatties lose weight. It is fun for all the family. Everyones flab goes flying!
Rumba Rapids
After a hectic day, what's better than to hide in a wet and dark cave? Ensure you don't lift an arse cheek off the seat as the staff won't hesitate to scream at you over a nearby speaker. Rumba Rapids and all the park's water rides pump their water fresh from the cesspit surrounding the park, to ensure you still have that Thorpe Park Smell weeks after your visit.
Other rides
"Time Voyagers"- A "4D" "film" where you are sprayed with dirty lake water and have air blown in your face. Guests often respond with their own "4D effects" by launching various projectiles at the screen and staff members.
Canada Creek
Canada Creek is another "themed" section of the park. Among its rides are a log flume that breaks down regularly, resulting in long lines, a train ride that no longer goes anywhere at all significant, and Slammer, a ride that was notable for causing extreme shoulder pain (among other pain), burst vanes in the heads and leaving riders stranded upside down.
SORE: The Ride
SAW: The Ride is Thorpe Park's latest and greatest roller coaster. In keeping with Thorpe Park's tradition, it broke down during the celebrity preview event <ref>Thurlow, M. & Wilson, B. (2009) "Dozens stranded as new £13m Saw ride breaks down at Thorpe Park celebrity launch party". Daily Mail Online, Thursday 12 March. Available at: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1161461/Dozens-stranded-new-13m-Saw-ride-breaks-Thorpe-Park-celebrity-launch-party.html O</ref>, and again during its opening day.
Riders are tested by Jigsaw to see how long they can stay in the queue whilst the ride shuts down every 10 minutes.
Neptune's Kingdom
Another pointless attraction from the days before rides were invented is the beach. The beach is a Plaster of Paris mock up of a beach, complete with realistic water, sharp shells and sharks. What better way to spend the day after paying the price of a small London apartment to enter the park, than to sit on a pretend beach?
WARNING: Do not attempt to make any mobile phone calls while on the beach, the staff will accuse you of trying to take pictures of little kids.
Virtual Q
Another new attraction to this park is the Virtual Q, in which you join a long queue line that goes right around the park. Every few hours, riders get to see a sign saying things like two hours from this point, until they leave the queue line back they started. Hours of fun for everyone.
Fastrack
Another of Thorpe Park's ingenious ways of skipping the queues which last longer than the queue boards care to say, is fastrack. There are many different fastrack packages available from as little as just £3,000,000. And for this lifetime investment of money you get the fantastic opportunity to skip a wopping 3 seconds of queueing time for rides which you've ridden 1,264 times before. Guaranteed to make you broke, though most of Thorpe's guests find this a reasonable price to pay.
Single Rider Queue
Thorpe Park is the ideal place to go if you are single, smell of BO (although those with BO will be banned from the park if caught<ref>Theme park bans thrill seekers riding roller coasters</ref>), or just have no friends. People socially challenged can get to jump the queue line. Fans of the rides (most of them homeless) use this to ride the same ride over and over again. It was reported that many single rider whoring fanboys have died of shock after Thorpe Park realised its guests were too fat from the vomit they offer to shove down their guests mouths for lunchtime for the exit to handle having a single rider queue. However realising this Thorpe Park have added a Single Rider Queue for the Flying Fish, meaning that parents who allow their children to go off for a nice ride on their own are inevitably horrified to find their offspring sat next to a rather dodgy looking theme park enthusiast. Terrifying small children by using this method is not reported to be compulsory, but most of the people who would actually choose to single rider the Flying Fish have a natural gift for this anyway.
New for 2010
To attract as many chavs to the park as possible, Thorpe Park have advertised a new attraction for 2010. Named 'The Big Erection', in an attempt to make all the internet-obsessed brats on Facebook laugh, the attraction consists of a real shark shoved into the side of a KFC building. Bob, manager of the Disappointment Department at Thorpe Park, stated: "We are pleased to announce that we will be scamming billions of chavs by advertising our Big New Erection as a ride, when in fact we found the shark dumped in one of the toilets during our 50-yearly clean. We hope that all the vandals who flock to the only part of the park where they feel at home, KFC, will notice the shark and try and set it on fire so that we don't have to." The attraction is named 'The Big Erection' because the uptuned tail of the shark sticking out of the building 'looks lak a pay-ness!' according to a passing imbecile.
Also new for 2010 is the new 'SORE: Alive' horror maze opening next to SORE: The Ride. Visitors are tested to see how long they can stay in a cattle-pen queueline, estimated to gain up to 560 hours once the chavs hear about it; until they are finally lead on to an old boat that Thorpe Park found rotting in the lake. Scenes in the maze include the park's actual oldest toilet which has been freshly pissed all over as part of Thorpe Park's competition to find the smelliest excrement, a room where a man whose intestines are showing sits up a bit, then lies back down again and a room where people that look like they've tried to eat red face-paint grab your leg. Jigsaw from the SORE movie franchise tells those who queued to get on the boat that he "wants to play a game". He plays a version of Truth or Dare in which he chooses whether to force them to go on Colossus or make them queue up again. Bob, Head of Disappointment, said: "The purpose of SORE: Alive is merely to watch all the idiots who gave us their money get raped at the end."
Fright Nights
Special nights are held every year called Fright Nights, where Bob sits down and tells everyone just how little work he does and points out general important repairs he can't be arsed to do. The evening finishes off with a terrifying ride on the ever decaying Colossus which leaves guests feeling as though they've been hit with a giant hammer about 12 times. Thorpe park has 'mazes' on fright nights in which they attempt to scare and disturb people, especially children. They attempt this by placing actors around in the mazes that ARE allowed to touch you but YOU are not allowed to touch them other wise they'll shout out 'rape'. We didn't really find it that scary but it was disturbing when they come up to you and try to hump you to death but you can avoid this by shouting 'fuck off you jew'. People regularly suffer heart attacks or die in these attractions, if this happened the usual procedure is to slide the body through the maze and dump it at the end.
For 2009, Thorpe Park are making the park scarier by challenging you to wait all night for Saw to be back in operation while someone steals/attempts to steal your car.
Marketing
Thorpe Krap is well known for its many marketing scams, such as the recent 'Say No to BO'. This was introduced after the park decided all it's guests smelt bad. The result was that raising arms on rides may have result in Rape being ejected from the park. This backfired and resulted in every guest flinging their arms everywhere to escape back to Chessington: World of Adventures (AND ZOO!!!!11!!1) where they were all locked in Bubbleworks.
