Chav

The Chav is a species of human being that is commonly found in cities, towns and theme parks. Members of the Chav race can often be distinguished from ordinary people by their choice of vocabularly, earings, cigarettes and the tendancy to call everybody they pass by on the street a "gayboy".

Chavs make up 78.6% of the General Public, and are the most successful species of human (Probably because of their inability to control their breeding habits). They often avoid the Alton Towers smoking ban because they think they are cool. Another popular habit is to spit at people from high places, showing off their saliva glands to the to attract a mate.

However, a Chav tends to be rather friendly and therefore most vulnerable when alone or with parents. It's best to catch them in this situation in order to gently converse. This may result in the Chav having an epiphany and change in lifestyle, depending on how you talk to them. An extreme example is switching from being a 'hard man' to 'softly spoken gentleman'.

Dealing With Chavs

Chavs are a tricky race to deal with and can unexpectedly draw the average man, woman or TSTer into their clutches. The most common phrase to be repeated when one or one's friend is caught in this situation is "Remain Calm" but how to deal with the problem is most touchy and careful so to make a wrong move will cause terrible consequences.

In Reality

If you come across a Chav and the hoarde it has gathered, then:

• Keep a good distance away.
• Do not 'tut'.
• Do not say anything in their presence.
• Do not make eye contact.
• Walk away quickly from the area.

At Theme Parks

Chavs sadly do exist at our local leisure, amusement and theme parks, visiting either because a 'fast and wikid' ride is in their interest or because they wish to heckle the General Public by:

• Queue jumping
• Smoking
• Spitting gum and/or saliva
• Littering
• Being 'ard man innit

Two common examples of theme parks that Chavs aim to desecrate are Alton Towers and Thorpe Park, both vastly different in market and ride lineup. Although Thorpe Park is more up 'da' street for Southern Chavs with having 'fast and wikid mint' thrill rides that suit their bragging skills, a minor amount will be willing to travel longer to meet their Midland relatives for a day out at Alton Towers.

Chavs tend to be more at home at Thorpe Park because the staff understand their needs for domination, loud chart music, a lack of theming and a map only they would be proud of showing off to their 'mates'. There is normally nothing to be done about avoiding Chavs at Thorpe unless you went on a really quiet day, otherwise you're stuffed on a busy day when you're stuck between two groups of the race in a 2 hour queue for either Colossus, SAW: The Ride or Stealth. The claustrophobia will automatically worsen when the ride breaks down. It is heavily advised you think through your decisions before queueing on a busy day.

Meanwhile at Alton Towers, Chavs have to try harder to win their dominance within the park as it is a family resort, meaning innocent sprogs are running about with their possibly dangerous parents as well as enthusiasts such as TST, who can easily block the queues by linking arms and stop a Chav or even a group from queue jumping. Most Chavs are seen lingering around Rita, Congo River Rapids where they tend to stand up, Air where they collonise on the breakrun (Spitting amongst other things) and Nemesis, where particularly on the latter, a group will argue that "dis is not da real Nemezis, da real one is at Thorpe, I saw dat last week innit so dey shud rename it" before attempting to chuck their empty bottles through the loop 'for da lolz'.

The main Chav grounds within both theme parks are Burger King and KFC, both of which can be avoidable if the General Public are smart enough to head for less grease worthy eateries. You can recognise a group of Chavs in a fast food place simply by the amount of chairs missing and speed of the staff working behind the counter.

Useful Phrases

• Brrrap brrrap, innit!
• Innit, blad!
• Innit, breadbins!
• I is well 'ard, innit!
• Wikid! (Considered by many chavologists to be an invalid Chav phrase because of the absence of the word "innit")
• Leg it ta Rita, innit! It's well sick, blud!
• You f*****, s*** l**** r*****ing, innit!
• Let wu' go then, innit! (Generally only heard in locations "oop North" of England)
• P*sseh ride, innit!
• Innit!