Disneyland Resort Paris
It's full of FRENCH people. There is simply NO POINT IN GOING! They're so FRENCH, they change their name over and over again! WHY VISIT? You might say 'The name of this Wiki entry is wrong, I must change it to Disneyland Paris', but by the time you've done that, they would have changed it back to Disneyland Resort Paris and vice versa. The resort consists of two themed parks, seven hotels (although one really shouldn't count), one Disney Village and a golf course. From this description, it may sound quite 'magical', but do read on.
Because this is a park in FRENCH, they have to spell it wrong you see, just to be different. Also, to confuse us British, they put 'parc' before the name of the place because they're so...FRENCH. This might also be classed as the most unimaginative name of a park too. They could have called it 'Parc Magique' or 'Le Monstre de la Dette', but no they decide to call it something obvious.
The park opened in 1992 with a large FAIL. The Americans being Americans thought millions of FRENCHIES and some others would go to the opening day. This meant they sent out a warning that the roads would be packed on that day, which lead to showing the FRENCH aren't as dim as the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS that own the company are. This warning made the car park only half full by midday with no traffic jams because the 'millions' of FRENCH decided they didn't want to cause a traffic jam so large they couldn't cut through it and so did not go. Had 'millions' of FRENCHIES gone, Disney would have go through with operation F and blown up the park, along with its many FRENCH visitors. By doing this, Disney was trying to up its sales in Europe as really no-one likes the FRENCH.
In this park there are five areas which names show remarkable resemblance to those at the original Disneyland. This was to make sure that, if any Americans came over to inspect the 'American invasion of Europe' they would know what the signposts were saying, if they even bothered to look at them.
Main St. USA
The place where everyone gets slightly over-excited, but could also be termed as the most annoying part of the park. It portrays an American town seemingly celebrating being American, which tends to put off many European guests. Why go to a park and be forced to walk through a town celebrating being a hub for GREEDY FAT AMERICANS? WHY? Fortunately, the FRENCH being FRENCH did not allow the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS to make the Main St. USA in Europe as American as it could be. It also puts itself in the way of guests being able to go on the proper rides, not some old vintage car. Especially for parents, it includes the largest store on park that, with a child, can suck up to 3 or 4 hours of a day, if not a whole day. And to think, they would've payed the GREEDY FAT AMERICAN giant to go into a shop. There's also a hair dressers there. Again who would spend money to get into a theme park and have a haircut Disney?
Another area or 'land' of the park that is centered on an American town. However, this time less in your face American. It is unknown why the town is still in business. Surely a town with a used-up mine that has an impractical train for mining and a haunted manor would disappear, but apparently not in Disney's eyes. Perhaps this is linked to another master scheme by Disney to manipulate the minds of the future.
Frontierland is also home to one of the expenditure fails of Parc Disneyland, which begins with the Frontierland Depot (train station). This station was originally built to be temporary...and it is still the same building today! This was so that they could put in either a Splash Mountain or Grizzly river rapids, which they still haven't built! This maybe due to the FRENCH still being afraid of water from the Battle of Trafalgar (Nelsonnnnn!!!!!! *shakes fist*). Now, onto the attractions!
- Big Chunder Mountain - The name speaks for itself really. With this decently-sized rollercoaster comes unconvincing plastic rock, unconvincing animatronics, unconvincing washing and an unconvincing old mine, but nonetheless better than its American sisters. It also has its own island to play with...diddums!
- Phantom Manor - Based in a manor that looks quite similar to the Addams Family's manor and would probably be a better ride if based round The Addams Family. Has a lift that gives more of a mindf*** than a vekoma madhouse, assisted by not knowing what the narrator is saying as it's all in FRENCH because the FRENCH want to feel a bit prouder for themselves, but it's not working as it just pisses off guests.
- Riverboat Landing - It's just a big boat that trundles along so slowly you could walk faster. There are occasional scenes to see during the ride with animatronics, but they're just there to keep the guests' sanity (even though it probably went when they got in)
- River Rogue Keelboats - Same as above, but smaller and with a running (supposedly funny, but they are FRENCH) commentary in FRENCH.
Adventureland/Indiana Jones Land
One of the greatest fails of the park is to be found in Adventureland. Had money once again been no issue (and, being Disney, these common occurrences are quite odd), there would be an Indiana Jones Land and the story of Parc Disneyland might be a bit different. However, it could be debated the story wouldn't be different at all as Indiana Jones et le Temple du Péril is still a rollercoaster with FRENCH in the name. Sure, the layout's quite boring and it has only one inversion, but these really aren't much to having FRENCH. No wonder the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS that run Disney didn't give it enough money to make an Indiana Jones land. This fail means that Adventureland is, in fact, quite big and has little to offer in attractions. It also means there is a theoretical clash between themes of Indiana Jones and pirates
- Pirates of the Caribbean - Arrrr 'tis the only ride not in scurvy FRENCH in Adventureland, until ye go in and find ye carn't make a head nor tail of what the pirates be sayin'. 'Tis sad as it ruins the experience and looks more like a riverboat ride on the River Seine during the FRENCH Revolution.
- La Cabane des Robinson - It's a treehouse that has a FRENCH name...need I say more? In fairness, it is the least plastic attraction in Adventureland, but at the same time shouldn't be in Adventureland because it clashes so much. Whoever's idea it was that a treehouse is half way between pirates and Indiana Jones needs to be shot (probably a FRENCHIE).
- Captain Hook's Ship - Yes, it's the most plastic thing you'll find in Adventureland. It's so plastic, it might as well be made of Lego. Oh, and it has a galley that's never open, NEVER!
- Adventure Isle - Wanna know how to waste a day not in the shops? Wanna know a place where no maps make sense?
- Indiana Jones et le Temple du Péril - A rollercoaster that's the opposite way around (no potential pun intended) as such that the theming is great, but the ride is...the ride is...the ride is.....FRENCH! It's FRENCH! That's the way to describe how bad the ride is. It even admits it's FRENCH in the name it has been given (gratefully or forcefully given, it is not known)
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. The question on most sane guests' lips once entering into and through the pink abomination (castle) is 'What level of Hell am I in?'. A part of the park made solely for kids, FRENCH kids mostly. Here you can find the future's revolution leaders. If you ever enter this part of the park, give a thought to the parents that are forced into the area. This really should be called Plasticland since the only thing in there that's not plastic are the topiary trees. Even the metal in this area has been replaced by strong plastics. The ground is plastic, the food is plastic, everything is plastic...apart from the FRENCH. They're just there being more of an annoyance than the plastic.
- Le Château de la Belle au Bois Dormant - If you were able to get past its FRENCH name, I congratulate you. Nobody really knows what it exactly means once translated as they get to the third word and stop because they've had enough FRENCH for one day. This is in fact the castle, painted in a bright pink colour and stands 50m erect into the air (any resemblance to a part of the male body?). Since it was made in and around countries that in fact have castles, the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS actually had to spend money into researching what castles in fact look like. From what the finished castle looks like, they didn't do a very good job. Yes, this is the pink abomination that can be seen from nearly anywhere in the park and ruins the atmosphere of the rest of the themed areas.
- Alice's Curious Labyrinth - It certainly is curious, a name that the FRENCH haven't hijacked and exclusive to Paris. Oh, apart from the FRENCH bat that shouts at you amongst the hedges and hissing of its awful hydraulics. How good of the designers to make the most annoying part of the labyrinth FRENCH. Just to make sure this wasn't classed as 'not tacky' Disney plonked a big, plastic castle in for the FRENCH bat pictured on the left.
- Blanche Neige et les Sept Nains - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...but in FRENCH, making this ride pointless as you can't understand the story because it's in FRENCH...unless you're FRENCH.
- Les Voyages de Pinocchio - Pinocchio...but in FRENCH, making this ride pointless as you can't understand the story because it's in FRENCH...unless you're FRENCH.
- Dumbo the flying elephant - Ride on the baby elephant that was separated from his mother!
- Mad Hatter's Tea Cups - Tea cups? Tea Cups? They're made of Plastic, not China! They may have been made in China, but it's not the same!
- It's a Small World - The water's clear, but the vision of a peaceful world certainly isn't. If this ride had strobes put in and Slayer were played, the ride might show the realities of the world and become a better ride. Shame Disney brings children up with a false sense of security, perhaps the truth might not hurt them that much.
- Peter Pan's Flight - Is this an epic Disney B&M flying coaster you ask? Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not. Based in the 'British' area of Fantasyland (which the FRENCH have made as less British as possible), this ride whisks you round on a flying pirate ship as it tells the story of Peter Pan. The ride has bearable limits of FRENCH in it and, as such, rips the socks off many other dark rides around the world. See? Once they put BEARABLE limits of FRENCH in, the rides become not that bad.
- La Tanière du Dragon - The cave and dragon might be FRENCH, but it's got the right idea. Stay in a cave and don't come out to witness Fantasyland face to face. Thumbs up to this non-human FRENCHIE.
There are other rides and attractions in Fantasyland, but if you were to read more about them the likelihood of being sick would just keep on rising and we don't want dinner appearing on the computer, do we?
The ultimate point of a steampunk's wet dream. Yes, this is the sci-fi area of the park and it certainly does go retro with it. Oh, wait, but there's a Star Wars ride in there too...and a cinema with nothing to do with retro-style...aaand a lame car ride and a Buzz Lightyear ride. Well, that certainly has ruined the image of a solely Victorian-styled land. As a resultant, this land becomes more of a 'meh' each year as it differs more and more from the original theming. What the FRENCH or GREEDY FAT AMERICAN designers need is a good, hard word from Sir Algernon!
As you enter this area, you may think it to be near-perfect, but oh wait, a FAIL is about to loom its ugly head into the wiki. You see that big, colourful, plastic mountain with a cheesy steampunk design (and yet does not look bad at all)? Yeah, imagine that MUCH BIGGER! Seriously, loads BIGGER. BIG enough to fit both the Nautilus AND the Discoveryland train station in. BIG enough to fit both your MOMS in there TOO!! Alas, this was another money cut-back where the FRENCH got a bit too over-excited and demanded a super-special-awesome-sized space mountain building that the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS decided not to deliver and gave them a smaller one. This also leads me onto how FRENCH the FRENCH have been in this area. Instead of mixing both H.G.Wells' and Jules Verne's jizz together to create the most Victorian sci-fi themed area ever to exist on this planet, they singled out the FRENCHIE of the two (Verne) and just had his jizz in the form of Space Mountain and the Nautilus. Shame, British jizz would've done a lot of good to the area, and to think they prefer a bit of George Lucas' jizz over British jizz.....how FRENCH.
- Space Mountain: Mission 2 - Mission 1 was a complete success, Mission 2 well....Houston we have a problem. Originally made with an EPIC score of music with an EPIC opening ceremony and an EPIC inside rollercoaster (oh wait, the coaster hasn't changed), this did and still does make dust for the other Space Mountains of the world to eat up with lashings of sawdust and hay. However, they decided that Mission 1 to the moon had been completed and the cannon needed a new mission, but this time to some poor old neighbouring galaxy. This of course, as they were FRENCH, required a new soundtrack. Apart from this, I believe the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS forced the FRENCH into changing the ride ans the FRENCH would've rather kept it close to Jules Verne's (FRENCHIE) book 'De la terre à la lune' (From the Earth to the Moon for all those not FRENCH) and not tried to modernise it, resembling them still declining to modernise their farming even today. Since changing it to Mission 2, the ride now shows FRENCH traits and sometimes decides not to have all the effects working at one time.
- Autopia - Ever played a game from the Fallout series? Ever wondered what it might be like to drive along the roads before the bombs dropped, and for everything to be in FRENCH? Well, this is the ride that you've been waiting for!
- Star Tours - Opened with the area, might not be Victorian-based in theming, but it's Star Wars after all and is forgiven. Directly the same to its American counterparts, but ALL IN FRENCH. This means it may be Star Wars, but THERE'S NO POINT IN GOING ON IT BECAUSE YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD (unless you remember to listen out for the rebel pilots, typical FRENCH ride having the only English in the ride as what rebels say). If you just want to go on it because it's Star Wars based, just go to the shop, that's what everyone not FRENCH in the queueline really queues for...just to buy a Star Wars shirt or accessory or toy or collectable.
- Buzz Lightyear's laser blast - WHY? WHY put this in GREEDY FAT AMERICANS? It can't have been the FRENCH or else they would have screwed up the name and put it in FRENCH. It destroys the illusion of a retro sci-fi land AND gives the area so much plastic, tacky theming even Fantasyland winces at it. At least you have to shoot the darn theming or else it'd be unbearable. Sort it out, put some H.G.Wells jizz in there instead!
- Orbitron - It's open so little it's becoming to just be added scenery to the area.
- Cinema that showed 'Captain EO', but then changed to 'Honey, I Shrunk the Audience', but in 2010 changed back to 'Captain EO' because Captain EO died - Yep. Jacko's back in 3-D little kiddies! Have a nice trip down memory lane!
- Les Mystères du Nautilus - Very nice walkthrough attraction showing you round the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (a FRENCH-named attraction for a FRENCH novel and a GREEDY FAT AMERICAN film). One of the only places in Parc Disneyland you probably won't find a queue for, unless some FRENCHIE has decided to stop and look at something because that something is in fact FRENCH. Typically, the walkthrough lasts 2-3 mins as everyone just wants to see Mr. Squid and occasionally looks at other parts of it saying positive words like 'Ooooh, that's nice' or 'I didn't see that last time', the latter probably being because they also spent 2-3 minutes in it last time they came.
Walt Disney Studios
The park opened to the public on 16th March 2002, but by then it had had its first FAIL written in its history books. The park was in fact originally destined to open in 1995, but due to the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS wanting more for themselves, this was another money cut-back from the park. It was only when the park was making 'money' (or perhaps the FRENCH were just getting tired of the same old park getting barely anything new and exciting) that the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS decided to pump some money into the resort and make a new park. Unfortunately, even though it was a new park, the FRENCH barely got any thrill out of it at all. The three closest rides they were given were:
- A Vekoma (ouch) launch 'rollercaster' (oh, come on! It should be called a rollercaster due to its theming outside) based on a band that isn't FRENCH in a building that doesn't depict any FRENCH features at all.
- A car show that does not use FRENCH cars and is set in a place that is not in FRANCE.
- A "special effects" Armageddon (not a FRENCH film) ride in which the only thrill is having your face burnt off and a load of FRENCH voices shouting from a speaker into your ears.
So, as seen from a FRENCH point of view, this park was a bit of a let down for many years, until 2007 when the Disney designers decided to get off their arses and design some more rides. However, from a non-FRENCH point of view, some (1 or 2 bear in mind) might look like nice, new additions to the resort.
This park is themed to a 'working' film studio and, unlike all of Disney's studio parks originally, this did/does not in fact have any sort of working studio at all. Another FAIL to Walt Disney Studios. So, it can be safely said that everything seen and done in this park is NOT for actual filming.
Aaaah yes. You've made it to Hollywood. You walk into Disney Studio 1 not to find a set, but a random road going straight through the building. You hope that this is in fact part of the scene. You come a cross a camera and some lighting, you're hopes raise, but are lowered when you find buildings conflicting with each other in design, making it all look a bit nasty and tacky. You've walked all the way through, seen the plastic tat in the shop you've gone past, you go through the doors and find......yes, you're still in that WRETCHED country. However much the imagineers designed the Studio to take the fact off your mind, it really doesn't work, you're still in THAT country after all. They even use English on the posters. Yes, actual English, not something close like Franglais, but actual English.
In all seriousness, Disney Studios 1 is an anomaly in the Walt Disney Studios Park for these reasons:
- It has English in, so surely the FRENCH didn't get to have say in the design of the Studio.
- It has a large amount of theming in it for a place most people just walk through to get in and out of the park
- It has a restaurant that's quite far away from any ride, so should be deemed as a waste. However, it is likely to find people queuing there for food.
Apart from Disney Studios 1, there's a fountain and that's pretty much it for Front Lot. It really is Disney's equivalent of Storybook Land.
Sounds like the most boring part of the park, but ends up having the tallest, and supposedly most exciting attraction on park. Though, is this attraction in keeping with the theme of 'Production' ? I think not... (In fact, it would seem the less the attraction is suited to this area, the better it becomes)
- Playhouse Disney - one of the worst attempts at adding another attraction by Disney, this walk-through attraction will get kids and parents raring to run out of the attraction faster than the exit of 'The Asylum' at Thorpe Park. However, this running is not from any scares inside, but from the sheer boredom that lies within. Only attempt if you really have run out of wanting re-rides. Is this to do with Production, yes it is.
- Stitch Live! - Only appropriate for children. Stitch will generally not reply from a TST'er shouting 'CUNT', 'PISS', 'BENCH' or any other phrases, much to the disgust of the shouter. Is this to do with Production, sort of.
- Studio Tram Tour - possibly the best attraction for sitting down and having a rest on. Duration of 20 mins and a large throughput (usually) with a lack of any thought needed due to the severity of how meh the 'backstage' props are. Props from underscoring tv shows and films, bought simply due to their cheap price tag. The only exciting part of the ride usually gets your attention anyway from the level of flame and flood used. Is this to do with production, not really.
- The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror - supposedly a brilliant attraction, this hotel with a shoddy lift (probably Schindler's) is still unfortunately operational with bellhops as deranged as those who run Disney. Is this to do with production, certainly not.
- CinéMagique - In fact, not a bad attraction that started with the park's first season. Certainly better than Merlin's Eye-4D experiences (for one, you get a seat and the film isn't in inglorious 4D). Is this to do with production, no.