English-Merlin dictionary

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In these dark ages of poorly-written news articles from Merlin Entertainments, a need has emerged for an easy way to translate the words and phrases direct from the desk of Nick Varney into plain English. Thankfully, a team of boffin wizards people at Collins were on-hand to compile a handy guide.

Contents

A

  • amazingly good reasons
    • amazingly good reasons for Merlin, or;
    • financial reasons.

B

  • best possible value
    • spend the most possible money
  • boffin wizards
    • finance department

C

  • customer research
    • some idealistic user personas haphazardly drawn up for management
  • committed
    • a term to state a mild, but not necessarily ever completed or continued, interest in getting something done

D

E

F

  • fizzy for longer
    • exactly the same as before, only in smaller amounts.
  • fantastical
    • the single most commonly used adjective at Merlin Entertainments

G

  • glad you asked
    • glad you asked a question we've prepared an answer for (don't ask anything serious, like we'd be able to answer that)

H

I

  • improving your experience
    • raising prices and reducing the service, but telling customers it is a better product

J

K

L

M

  • magic
    • Editor note: we really don't know what this actually means.
  • magically brilliant
    • a combination of two popular buzz words in the PR department

N

O

P

  • prompted by customers
    • also known as 'slightly listening by skimming the multiple pages of customer feedback'

Q

R

S

  • spellbinding
    • good enough to sell an annual pass renewal next year
  • second only to Disney
    • name dropping a company who have had 6 decades worth of successful theme park experience to look better thus rating the finance highly against

T

U

  • UK's biggest attractions
    • synonymous with 'second only to Disney'

V

  • valued passholders
    • synonymous with 'valued bank balances'

W

X

Y

Z

#

  • 50 rides and attractions
    • a hedging phrase used to deflect attention from a major attraction being closed/unavailable
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