Lord of the Darkness

The Lord of the Darkness, as seen wearing his awesome face.

The Lord of the Darkness is a little-known character that features on Oblivion at Alton Towers. He can be seen in the many pre-show videos that play in the ride's queueline and station, taunting riders with his sinister personality. He is played by the one and only Renny Krupinski, a Polish actor, fight choreographer and part-time Daniel Craig look-alike. Rumour has it that Krupinski was specifically chosen to portray the character for his speech impediment, straightfaceimosus, which makes the bearer of the syndrome sound awesome whenever they speak. And my, he is awesome!

Oblivion pre-show videos

"Hahaha! LOL! You're gonna die!"

Physical effects

The first queueline video focusses on the physics involved with riding Oblivion. The Lord of the Darkness welcomes guests to the ride in a polite manner, before advising them that: "If [they] wish to sur-vive Ob-livi-on, we advise you to observe the screens at all times". Presumambly, he is referring to the risks of being morbidly happy, in which guests are enjoying themselves too much. This means that he tells everybody to watch his speeches to make them depressed, scared and therefore suitable to ride.

This video feaures:

• A comparison of human beings to falling balls ("Unfortunately, unlike the ball, people do not bounce");
• A warning that riders' brains may boil ("Dehydration may lead to the evaporation of essential, protective brain fluid");
• A warning that riders may explode ("Extreme anxiety may even cause spontaneous combustion");
• Advice to chavs that perhaps they ought to ride something less interesting ("Adrenalin junkies may OD on the excitment").

All of these statements are plausible. In fact, many people have actually blown up whilst on Oblivion since its opening. Isn't he lovely, taking Health and Safety into his own hands to warn people of the ride's dangers? The world sure needs more people like him.

"Dude, you have no bottle!"

Psychological aspects

To make riders feel even more suicidal, the second queueline video features the Lord of the Darkness giving speeches about fear, nightmares and post-traumatic stress disorder.

This video includes:

• A warning about the shocking enourmity of the Lord's genitals ("If you are of a nervous disposition, we advise you not to look down");
• A message to achrophobics, taunting them about their poor wicker basket-making skills ("You may be a complete basket case by the time you come to sit on the ride!!");
• A friendly offer to use the help services available for nervous riders ("Of course, you could always telephone the Oblivion helpline... but, unfortunately, I do not have the number");
• A rant at the Marketing Department for lying about offering free therapy in one of their PR stunts ("We should point out that hypnosis is not available at Alton Towers").

I'm sure he will shut up eventually.

Debate with Lord of the Light

Eventually, the Lord of the Darkness gives up trying to scare riders by being melodramatic and over-awesome; instead he takes the subtle, ironic approach by telling riders that "the ride is perfectly safe". This, whilst contradicting everything that he has previously been banging on about in the other videos, adds that little bit of much needed alcohol to the Oblivion queueline experience. He puts this into practice in the third pre-show video, in which he argues with the "Lord of the Light" character (also played by Renny Krupinski) over whether ride is good or not. Ugh, the Lord of the Light is such a coaster noob!

Station

Before the cars dispatch and start to climb the lift hill, riders watch a short video on screens in front of them in the station. This consists of the Lord of the Darkness, seen for one final time, delivering one of him most memorable quotations:

"For some things, there is no rational explanation. There is no way out. There is not happy ending to the story.

Welcome to the unknown. Welcome to enternal darkness.

Welcome... to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: The Ride."

Oblivion Report

The Lord of the Darkness also features in an extra, rarely played video desribed as an "Oblivion report", in which he makes an announcement to all of the guests in X-Sector about an incident that supposedly took place on the ride. He states: "A few moments ago, we were informed that a ride car has disappeared", and that experts are baffled by the fact that: "There is no crash scene. There is no car. There are no survivors. There is nothing", before blatantly shoving in a bit of product placement by suggesting: "Why don't you relax with an ice cool Coke?".

It probably turned out that the car never went missing in the first place; the ride ops had probably just forgotten to take it off the brake run.