The Bookworm

The Bookworm, look away in fear

The bookworm is the most underrated attraction in Alton Towers history. Unknown to the public and Alton Towers enthusiasts, the bookworm has an extensive history and legacy and his teachings are quoted by many world leaders and philosophers. He is not to be confused with his similar, yet less successful brother pedo worm Storybook Worm.

History

The bookworm applied for work at Alton Towers several times throughout 1995. The worm undertook several job interviews, where he would only answer with phrases such as "squishy splashy goochy sploochy wobbly bobbly whoopsie daisy things". This both scared and irritated the park employers, but a loophole in the official Alton Towers fairness of employment document allowed the worm infinite attempts at job enrollment for the scarcely wanted role of Storybook Land caretaker. By the fifth attempt at being accepted, employment staff gave in and filed the bookworm as official Alton Towers staff and caretaker of Storybook Land, starting work at park opening day 1996.

Leading up to this date, Storybook Land was to be constructed, but the constant harassment of the worm up until this point meant that the area had to be constructed within 3 days, which lead to John Wardley going to extreme measures cutting down his plans for the Squirrel Nutty rollercoaster with B and M. This included the removal of its SW4 tag and scrapping landscaping, track inversions and the world's first element so extraordinarily terrifying and complex, that it could only be constructed in the Storybook Land area and nowhere else in the world. John Wardley requested Alton Towers not to include credit for the ride or any of Storybook Land, and for everyone who he worked with and knew his involvement with the ride to be neutralised.

The location of the worm in 1998

The great Alton Towers conceptual designers and themeing constructors of the 90's slaved hard, day and night to construct an adequate and magical area. This included what would be the new home of the The Bookworm. By 2001 these few good men had died of shock, after the 3 days of constant stress and anguish.

Opening day came, and with it came the Bookworms first day on the job. By the end of the first day Alton Towers had received more than 10,000 complaints, and to this day that record has not been broken, although it was followed closely by opening day 2003, 2006 and 2011. And 2012 once people had experienced Nemesis Sub Terra. And 2013 when The Smiler refused to open on time. The complaints were of the risqué nature of the bookworm towards children, whose comments included offering to take a nap with him and finding his balls. What followed was the great bookworm controversy of 1996 - 1998, Where 100's of attempts by Alton Towers to dismiss the worm were failed because of their extremely exaggerated equal opportunities document.

The bookworm caused much grief to Alton Towers and its guests up until 1998, which saw the opening of Oblivion. The management did not want this event to be dampened by the bookworm, so they ordered an by a skilled individual and his crew members. The worm was gassed, tied up and nailed into a wooden box and taken to a secret government warehouse in Nevada, U.S.A.

Re-birth

The film adaptation

At some point in 1998 the worm used his two possessions, a magnifying glass and a child enticing poetry book, to pinpoint a strip of light from above onto the page of the book and create a small fire bollocks. The worm escaped surprisingly easily, and what followed was a journey of self discovery and reflection. The worm travelled by hijacked plane to the Himalayas, south Asia where he was trained in kung-fu, meditation and philosophy. After 4 years (10 minutes, montage time), the worm was contempt, and wise beyond any mans/womans years.

Up until this point, another worm had replaced the bookworm called the Storybook Worm. After a press interview regarding why Alton Towers had let this worm stay when he was just as bad, if not worse than the other, management exclaimed "Ah f**k him". The worm returned to Alton Towers to give his wisdom and share his teachings, and the other worm is rumoured to be in captivity inside the Black Hole Tent. [Since the demolition of this tent, his whereabouts remain uncertain].

The Shrek Incident

On 20th of October 2010, at precisely 2:17am, a broad Scottish accent was heard with several footsteps. It was in fact Shrek, the founder of Dreamworks animation and an amanuensis. The blundering oaf was reported to say "I want all this crap torn down, the squirrels on nuts to be turned into me on Fiona and you..." The bookworm immediately used the 'hand of death' move on Shrek, drop kicked the amanuensis and decked the Dreamworks founder. As a result no more Shrek films will ever be made.

Legacy

To this day the worm has helped, inspired, given tactical information and comforted many, including John Wardley, Christopher Nolan, Sir Alan Sugar and her majesty The Queen. He is also regarded as one of the greatest thinkers of our time. At some point a man was trapped in the house behind the bookworm, and his only possessions are a laptop and a 'black hole maintenance' card. Any cries from this man are disregarded, I should know. To all that come to his sanctuary the following guidelines should be followed:

approach the worm with fear in thy heart
and with a heavy burden on thy chest,
Press thou crimson button withst thy index finger
no other finger shalst be worthy enough.
Arise ye worm, arise...he speaks.
Let the warmth of his words extinguish thy fear
and thou burden be banished for eternity.
Now let him rest, his work be done
and do not disturb him, or hell ye break loose.

Or just listen to his half-arsed joke and p*ss off.

Death Retirement

With the arrival of CBeebies Land, an official spokesperson from the resort declared the old Bookworm would be murdered in the most vile, disgusting and innovative way imaginable placed into retirement, curled up by a roaring fire in a picturesque retirement home in a far away land where his outrageous jokes would live on forever.

However in a sick twist of events, rumour has it that the Bookworm has been discovered "residing in pieces behind Cloud Cuckoo Land. Unloved, unwanted, broken and dead."

External Links

Early Years
A new man
Alton Towers management on the imprisonment of The Bookworm
Storybook Worm
Shrek 4D