Closed Season

Revision as of 21:37, 26 February 2013

Every enthusiasts worst nightmare. The closed sign.

The 'closed season' is the veritable period which usually, in the United Kingdom, begins around the beginning of November, and ceases around Easter, when most theme parks re-open for business.

Origins

Many people have debated for years as to why UK theme parks insist upon closing their brass iron gates for upto 6 months of the year, but nobody has ever come close to the truth. Many falsely believe that it is because theme park revenues are too low to continue operating profitably in the winter period, and some die hard fans even believe it is so that theme parks can actually use the time to carry out maintenance and repair work on rides. Some manufacturers, like Intaminge, even try to blame it on the fact that their coasters can not operate in the antartic conditions of the UK winters. We say this is all rubbish, and far too much like practical thinking.

Those who actively practise the religion of Wardleyism (and pretty much everyone else who has any common sense) know and proclaim forth that God himself created the closed season, punishing them for their twisted 'coaster sins over the previous 6 months, but then often kindly rewarding them in the new open season with the birth of a new hand crafted B & M Wardley machine.

Symptoms

Unfortunately, this period of closure has a negative effect on enthusiasts of said theme parks. The symptoms first manifest as those similar to Theme Park Withdrawal, and are often misdiagnosed as so in the early stages.

However, it soon becomes apparent that more severe withdrawal symptoms take hold, including vomiting, diarrhoea and a Class A drug style addiction to the discussion forums, leading to CSF, or Closed Season Fever, a highly contagious virus that spreads from enthusiast to enthusiast, usually by the wonders of the Internet.

Treatments

With 96.983241262519% of enthusiasts being stupid rich fortunate enough to own a Merlin Annual Pass, a large proportion of said enthusiasts can counter-act the symptoms by resorting to attending a portfolio of (usually avoided) Merlin shoddy midway attractions to get a 'Merlin fix', such as The Merlin Entertainments SeaLife Centres nationwide, The Merlin Entertainments Legoland Discovery Centre, The Merlin Entertainments Warwick Castle, The Merlin Entertainments Madame Tussauds, Various The Merlin Entertainments Dungeons, and of course not forgetting The Merlin Entertainments Ridiculously Long Named London Eye.

Often, many enthusiasts will conduct expensive pilgrimages to other European theme parks, such as Di$n£yland Resort, France or Mack Land (aka Europa Park) and Phannyland in Germany. These theme parks unfortunately do not recognise or even know of the cult of Wardleyism, and thus do not respect the divine request from his Lordship to cease operations over the winter period.

If all else fails, and as a last resort, enthusiasts often find themselves huddling for warmth and comfort at their nearest cinema, bowling alley or Nando's restaurant in a last ditch attempt to prevent the onset of CSF and ultimately insanity.

Closed Season Clichés

It is also quite possible to diagnose Closed Season Fever by looking at the TowersStreet discussion forums, and taking note of the topics and discussions that are created.

Such closed season fevers also bring about closed season clichés, and the symptoms include topics about:

• Rubbish bins - and the lack of them
• The Air tunnel - and lack of theming
• Queue line boards - and the lack of working
• The Nemesis puddle - and its lack of disappearance
• Toilets - and their lack of magic in general
• Hand Dryers - and their lack of warmth
• Taps - and their lack of the ability to turn off/on/be warm

If you spot these topics upon the midst of other random discussion on the forum, it is safe to say that Closed Season Fever has indeed set in, and now would be a good time to evacuate the premises before it continues to spread to yourself.

RUN!

See also

• Theme Park Withdrawal - The enthusiast's most belligerent disease during the dreaded closed season.