Lord of the Darkness

The Lord of the Darkness is a little-known character that features on Oblivion at Alton Towers. He can be seen in the many pre-show videos that play in the ride's queueline and station, taunting riders with his sinister personality. He is played by the one and only Renny Krupinski, a Polish actor, fight choreographer and part-time Daniel Craig look-alike. Rumour has it that Krupinski was specifically chosen to portray the character for his speech impediment, straightfaceimosus, which makes the bearer of the syndrome sound awesome whenever they speak. And my, he is awesome!

Physical effects

The first queueline video focusses on the physics involved with riding Oblivion. The Lord of the Darkness welcomes guests to the ride in a polite manner, before advising them that: "If [they] wish to sur-vive Ob-livi-on, we advise you to observe the screens at all times". Presumambly, he is referring to the risks of being morbidly happy, in which guests are enjoying themselves too much. This means that he tells everybody to watch his speeches to make them depressed, scared and therefore suitable to ride.

This video feaures: comparing human beings to a falling ball ("Unfortunately, unlike the ball, people do not bounce"); a warning that riders' brains may boil ("Dehydration may lead to the evaporation of essential, protective brain fluid"); a warning that riders may explode ("Extreme anxiety may even cause spontaneous combustion"); advice to chavs that perhaps they ought to ride something less interesting ("Adrenalin junkies may OD on the excitment"). All of these statements are actually plausible, and many people have blown up whilst on Oblivion in the past. Isn't he lovely, taking Health and Safety into his own hands. The world needs more people like the Lord of the Darkness.