English-Merlin dictionary

Available in all good retailers

In these dark ages of poorly-written news articles from Merlin Entertainments, a need has emerged for an easy way to translate the words and phrases direct from the desk of Nick Varney into plain English. Thankfully, a team of boffin wizards people at Collins were on-hand to compile a handy guide.

A

• amazingly good reasons
  • amazingly good reasons for Merlin, or;
  • financial reasons.

B

• best possible value
  • spend the most possible money

• boffin wizards
  • finance department

C

• customer research
  • some idealistic user personas haphazardly drawn up for management

• committed
  • a term to state a mild, but not necessarily ever completed or continued, interest in getting something done

F

• fizzy for longer
  • exactly the same as before, only in smaller amounts.

• fantastical
  • the single most commonly used adjective at Merlin Entertainments

G

• glad you asked
  • glad you asked a question we've prepared an answer for (don't ask anything serious, like we'd be able to answer that)

I

• improving your experience
  • raising prices and reducing the service, but telling customers it is a better product

M

• magic
  • Editor note: we really don't know what this actually means.

• magically brilliant
  • a combination of two popular buzz words in the PR department

P

• prompted by customers
  • also known as 'slightly listening by skimming the multiple pages of customer feedback'

S

• spellbinding
  • good enough to sell an annual pass renewal next year

• second only to Disney
  • name dropping a company whom have had 6 decades worth of successful theme park experience to look better thus rating the finance highly against

U

• UK's biggest attractions
  • synonymous with 'second only to Disney'

V

• valued passholders
  • synonymous with 'valued bank balances'

#

• 50 rides and attractions
  • a hedging phrase used to deflect attention from a major attraction being closed/unavailable