Disneyland Resort Paris

Revision as of 21:40, 28 November 2010

It's full of FRENCH people. There is simply NO POINT IN GOING! They're so FRENCH, they change their name over and over again! WHY VISIT? You might say 'The name of this Wiki entry is wrong, I must change it to Disneyland Paris', but by the time you've done that, they would have changed it back to Disneyland Resort Paris and vice versa. The resort consists of two themed parks, seven hotels (although one really shouldn't count), one Disney Village and a golf course. From this description, it may sound quite 'magical', but do read on.

Parc Disneyland

Because this is a park in FRENCH, they have to spell it wrong you see, just to be different. Also, to confuse us British, they put 'parc' before the name of the place because they're so...FRENCH. This might also be classed as the most unimaginative name of a park too. They could have called it 'Parc Magique' or 'Le Monstre de la Dette', but no they decide to call it something obvious.

The park opened in 1992 with a large FAIL. The Americans being Americans thought millions of FRENCHIES and some others would go to the opening day. This meant they sent out a warning that the roads would be packed on that day, which lead to showing the FRENCH aren't as dim as the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS that own the company are. This warning made the car park only half full by midday with no traffic jams because the 'millions' of FRENCH decided they didn't want to cause a traffic jam so large they couldn't cut through it and sos did not go. Had 'millions' of FRENCHIES gone, Disney would have go through with operation F and blown up the park, along with its many FRENCH visitors. By doing this, Disney was trying to up its sales in Europe as really no-one likes the FRENCH.

In this park there are five areas which names show remarkable resemblance to those at the original Disneyland. This was to make sure that, if any Americans came over to inspect the 'American invasion of Europe' they would know what the signposts were saying, if they even bothered to look at them.

Main St. USA

The place where everyone gets slightly over-excited, but could also be termed as the most annoying part of the park. It portrays an American town seemingly celebrating being American, which tends to put off many European guests. Why go to a park and be forced to walk through a town celebrating being a hub for GREEDY FAT AMERICANS? WHY? Fortunately, the FRENCH being FRENCH did not allow the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS to make the Main St. USA in Europe as American as it could be. It also puts itself in the way of guests being able to go on the proper rides, not some old vintage car. Especially for parents, it includes the largest store on park that, with a child, can suck up to 3 or 4 hours of a day, if not a whole day. And to think, they would've payed the GREEDY FAT AMERICAN giant to go into a shop. There's also a hair dressers there. Again who would spend money to get into a theme park and have a haircut Disney?

Frontierland

Views of Splash Mountain made by Sarkozy

Another area or 'land' of the park that is centered on an American town. However, this time less in your face American. It is unknown why the town is still in business. Surely a town with a used-up mine that has an impractical train for mining and a haunted manor would disappear, but apparently not in Disney's eyes. Perhaps this is linked to another master scheme by Disney to manipulate the minds of the future.

Frontierland is also home to one of the expenditure fails of Parc Disneyland, which begins with the Frontierland Depot (train station). This station was originally built to be temporary...and it is still the same building today! This was so that they could put in either a Splash Mountain or Grizzly river rapids, which they still haven't built! This maybe due to the FRENCH still being afraid of water from the Battle of Trafalgar (Nelsonnnnn!!!!!! *shakes fist*). Now, onto the attractions!

• Big Chunder Mountain - The name speaks for itself really. With this decently-sized rollercoaster comes unconvincing plastic rock, unconvincing animatronics, unconvincing washing and an unconvincing old mine, but nonetheless better than its American sisters. It also has its own island to play with...diddums!
• Phantom Manor - Based in a manor that looks quite similar to the Addams Family's manor and would probably be a better ride if based round The Addams Family. Has a lift that gives more of a mindf*** than a vekoma madhouse, assisted by not knowing what the narrator is saying as it's all in FRENCH because the FRENCH want to feel a bit prouder for themselves, but it's not working as it just pisses off guests.
• Riverboat Landing - It's just a big boat that trundles along so slowly you could walk faster. There are occasional scenes to see during the ride with animatronics, but they're just there to keep the guests' sanity (even though it probably went when they got in)
• River Rogue Keelboats - Same as above, but smaller and with a running (supposedly funny, but they are FRENCH) commentary in FRENCH.

Adventureland/Indiana Jones Land

One of the greatest fails of the park is to be found in Adventureland. Had money once again been no issue (and, being Disney, these common occurrences are quite odd), there would be an Indiana Jones Land and the story of Parc Disneyland might be a bit different. However, it could be debated the story wouldn't be different at all as Indiana Jones et le Temple du Péril is still a rollercoaster with FRENCH in the name. Sure, the layout's quite boring and it has only one inversion, but these really aren't much to having FRENCH. No wonder the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS that run Disney didn't give it enough money to make an Indiana Jones land. This fail means that Adventureland is, in fact, quite big and has little to offer in attractions. It also means there is a theoretical clash between themes of Indiana Jones and pirates

• Pirates of the Caribbean - Arrrr 'tis the only ride not in scurvy FRENCH in Adventureland, until ye go in and find ye carn't make a head nor tail of what the pirates be sayin'. 'Tis sad as it ruins the experience and looks more like a riverboat ride on the River Seine during the FRENCH Revolution. It also be the only Pirates of the Caribbean not yet to have been touched by the film, but that could change next year.
• La Cabane des Robinson - It's a treehouse that has a FRENCH name...need I say more? In fairness, it is the least plastic attraction in Adventureland, but at the same time shouldn't be in Adventureland because it clashes so much. Whoever's idea it was that a treehouse is half way between pirates and Indiana Jones needs to be shot (probably a FRENCHIE).
• Captain Hook's Ship - Yes, it's the most plastic thing you'll find in Adventureland. It's so plastic, it might as well be made of Lego. Oh, and it has a galley that's never open, NEVER!
• Adventure Isle - Wanna know how to waste a day not in the shops? Wanna know a place where no maps make sense?
• Indiana Jones et le Temple du Péril - A rollercoaster that's the opposite way around (no potential pun intended) as such that the theming is great, but the ride is...the ride is...the ride is.....FRENCH! It's FRENCH! That's the way to describe how bad the ride is. It even admits it's FRENCH in the name it has been given (gratefully or forcefully given, it is not known)

Fantasyland

Does this look like a well thought out castle to you?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. The question on most sane guests' lips once entering into and through the pink abomination (castle) is 'What level of Hell am I in?'. A part of the park made solely for kids, FRENCH kids mostly. Here you can find the future's revolution leaders. If you ever enter this part of the park, give a thought to the parents that are forced into the area. This really should be called Plasticland since the only thing in there that's not plastic are the topiary trees. Even the metal in this area has been replaced by strong plastics. The ground is plastic, the food is plastic, everything is plastic...apart from the FRENCH. They're just there being more of an annoyance than the plastic.

• Le Château de la Belle au Bois Dormant - If you were able to get past its FRENCH name, I congratulate you. Nobody really knows what it exactly means once translated as they get to the third word and stop because they've had enough FRENCH for one day. This is in fact the castle, painted in a bright pink colour and stands 50m erect into the air (any resemblance to a part of the male body?). Since it was made in and around countries that in fact have castles, the GREEDY FAT AMERICANS actually had to spend money into researching what castles in fact look like. From what the finished castle looks like, they didn't do a very good job. Yes, this is the pink abomination that can be seen from nearly anywhere in the park and ruins the atmosphere of the rest of the themed areas.

She's not happy

• Alice's Curious Labyrinth - It certainly is curious, a name that the FRENCH haven't hijacked and exclusive to Paris. Oh, apart from the FRENCH bat that shouts at you amongst the hedges and hissing of its awful hydraulics. How good of the designers to make the most annoying part of the labyrinth FRENCH. Just to make sure this wasn't classed as 'not tacky' Disney plonked a big, plastic castle in for the FRENCH bat pictured on the left.
• Blanche Neige et les Sept Nains - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...but in FRENCH, making this ride pointless as you can't understand the story because it's in FRENCH...unless you're FRENCH.
• Les Voyages de Pinocchio - Pinocchio...but in FRENCH, making this ride pointless as you can't understand the story because it's in FRENCH...unless you're FRENCH.
• Dumbo the flying elephant - Ride on the baby elephant that was separated from his mother!
• Mad Hatter's Tea Cups - Tea cups? Tea Cups? They're made of Plastic, not China! They may have been made in China, but it's not the same!
• It's a Small World - The water's clear, but the vision of a peaceful world certainly isn't. If this ride had strobes put in and Slayer were played, the ride might show the realities of the world and become a better ride. Shame Disney brings children up with a false sense of security, perhaps the truth might not hurt them that much.
• Peter Pan's Flight - Is this an epic Disney B&M flying coaster you ask? Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not. Based in the 'British' area of Fantasyland (which the FRENCH have made as less British as possible), this ride whisks you round on a flying pirate ship as it tells the story of Peter Pan. The ride has bearable limits of FRENCH in it and, as such, rips the socks off many other dark rides around the world. See? Once they put BEARABLE limits of FRENCH in, the rides become not that bad.
• La Tanière du Dragon - The cave and dragon might be FRENCH, but it's got the right idea. Stay in a cave and don't come out to witness Fantasyland face to face. Thumbs up to this non-human FRENCHIE.

There are other rides and attractions in Fantasyland, but if you were to read more about them the likelihood of being sick would just keep on rising and we don't want dinner appearing on the computer, do we?

Walt Disney Studios

Originally started off with a map that made the park look like Mickey's head, but has now had so many augmentations to it that the park map now looks like Mickey's head after 5 minutes in a microwave.