Hex - The Other Not As Well Known Legend of the Towers

It was a pleasant Autumn night, thanks to central heating, in 1821, when the Earl discovered that it was magic pixies that brought firewood to the fires of the Towers.

Unfortunately, the pixies demanded payment in Burger King bacon double cheeseburgers. The Earl curelly dismissed them, as he didn't get annual pass discount on those. He then proceeded to lock the pixies in a secret vault, since, after reasonable thinking, he found them to be rare animals which needed to be experimented on.

Outraged by this, the pixies sprinkled a curse: "For every branch of the magical oak tree wrapped in chains that fell, a member of the future park's theme park rides would breakdown!"

True to the pixies' words, on the 26th of June 2010, Th13teen suddenly... and mysteriously... suffered a technical problem!

ZOMFG!!!!!!

During the opening of ThiThreeTeen, several tree surgeons happened to pay the magical oak tree a visit, only to discover some nasty rot. This caused the Generic Public to have a miserable Easter visit, since they stood in the queue for Th13teen twice and didn't go home feeling remotely bitter about it all.

Legend has it that visitors to Alton Towers in 2010 were so enraged by the blatant false advertising that had been used to promote Th13teen that they demanded the marketing director be chained up, in a bid to prevent further bullshit.

The man whom chained the director was supposedly a Mr John Wardley.

John Wardley became so obsessed with the rubbish that fell out of the marketing director's mouth that he sealed her within a secret love nest, the entrance to which is believed to be near the front door of Duel. There he became locked in a furious battle of truth vs. exaggeration, conducting strange, bizarre sexual acts in a desperate attempt to rid all enthusiasts across the land of their anguish at reading the latest publicity stunt...

FOREVEEEEEEEEEEER.