Lord of the Darkness

The Lord of the Darkness is a little-known character that features on Oblivion at Alton Towers. He can be seen in the many pre-show videos that play in the ride's queueline and station, taunting riders with his sinister personality. He is played by the one and only Renny Krupinski, a Polish actor, fight choreographer and part-time Daniel Craig look-alike. Rumour has it that Krupinski was specifically chosen to portray the character for his speech impediment, straightfaceimosus, which makes the bearer of the syndrome sound awesome whenever they speak. And my, he is awesome!

Oblivion pre-show videos

Physical effects

The first queueline video focusses on the physics involved with riding Oblivion. The Lord of the Darkness welcomes guests to the ride in a polite manner, before advising them that: "If [they] wish to sur-vive Ob-livi-on, we advise you to observe the screens at all times". Presumambly, he is referring to the risks of being morbidly happy, in which guests are enjoying themselves too much. This means that he tells everybody to watch his speeches to make them depressed, scared and therefore suitable to ride.

This video feaures:

• A comparison of human beings to falling balls ("Unfortunately, unlike the ball, people do not bounce");
• A warning that riders' brains may boil ("Dehydration may lead to the evaporation of essential, protective brain fluid");
• A warning that riders may explode ("Extreme anxiety may even cause spontaneous combustion");
• Advice to chavs that perhaps they ought to ride something less interesting ("Adrenalin junkies may OD on the excitment").

All of these statements are plausible. In fact, many people have actually blown up whilst on Oblivion since its opening. Isn't he lovely, taking Health and Safety into his own hands to warn people of the ride's dangers? The world sure needs more people like him.

Psychological aspects

To make riders feel even more suicidal, the second queueline video features the Lord of the Darkness giving speeches about fear, nightmares and post-traumatic stress disorder.

This video includes:

• A warning about the shocking enourmity of the Lord's genitals ("If you are of a nervous disposition, we advise you not to look down");
• A message to achrophobics, taunting them about their poor wicker basket-making skills ("You may be a complete basket case by the time you come to sit on the ride!!");
• A friendly offer to use the help services available for nervous riders ("Of course, you could always telephone the Oblivion helpline... but, unfortunately, I do not have the number");
• A rant at the Alton Towers marketing department for lying about offering free therapy in one of their PR stunts ("We should point out that hypnosis is not available at Alton Towers").

Debate with Lord of the Light

Eventually, the Lord of the Darkness gives up trying to scare riders by being melodramatic and over-awesome; instead he takes the subtle, ironic approach by telling riders that "the ride is perfectly safe". This, whilst contradicting everything that he has previously been banging on about, adds that little bit of much needed alcohol to the Oblivion queueline experience.

This video includes: