Residents of The Haunted House
There are and have been many residents of the Haunted House over the years, here is a collection of them. Many of these pictures are shamelessly stolen from
hauntedone
Contents |
Portraits
The portraits were in fact stolen from the likeness of various celebrities. These celebrities came together at the end of 2002 and threatened to sue Alton Towers if they did not destroy them.
Pepper's Ghosts
Keith Sparks
After an accident with the original giant spider mechanism, Keith’s head was left disembodied. He died. Unfortunately the mechanism had to be replaced because of health and safety, and the original mechanism that made the spider tap dance and sing “Hello my honey...” (As part of Alton Towers previous intention to make the ride more family friendly) had to be replaced.
Keith’s head haunted the fireplace for many years, throwing insults in cryptic form and keeping watch over Lucy Webb who he had adopted in the afterlife. Keith was extinguished by Alton Towers staff in 2002. Like all good parents, Keith sometimes materialises into the doll’s house and tries to kick Lucy out after not doing anything for 19 years. He does however disappear soon afterwards, leaving nothing but a trail of ectoplasm.
Lucy Webb
Lucy is still around today and still trying to get her head around the same maths sum and arguing with her cat that is to blame for their deaths. It’s a bit like Groundhog Day except its Groundhog every five minutes. She also used to sing until she was voted off.
Coffin Ghost
He hasn’t got a cold but this ghost continually tries to escape his confinement in the undertaker’s hearse, only to fail each time. At some point however he was successful and for many years he hung around in the steel rafters of the warehouse...I mean sky. However he was once again confined to the hearse again in 2010 after re-dying and has turned green, so he probably is ill now.
Demons
Surprise Fart Demon
Pretty much sums it up.
WhTF’S My Tea? Demon
The Tea Demon carried out preparing the finest tea in the world up until the completion of The Haunted House. He even manufactured his own demon sized tea cup, but when the Tea Demon arrived and was about to drink the tea, John Wardley did the old switcharoo and swiftly replaced the tea with an oversized rat. After trying to drink the rat the demon said “AH WHAAAAAAAAA!?” followed shortly by the sitcomesque catchphrase “Where the f**ks my tea!?” which he says to this day.
The rat shortly became his sidekick who he often comically attacks with his knife-stick thing. The whereabouts of the tea now is unknown. Some say John Wardley drank it, or that it’s in display in The John Wardley Godly Museum of Awesomeness in his home. Many fake versions of the tea have been sold on eBay, selling up to prices of £100, 000. Yep it really is that good, so when you pass the Tea Demon next time you’re in Duel and are annoyed because he’s gone into a complete fit again, remember that he is just looking for his tea, and salute him. He is not to be confused with the Teabag Demon.
Tigger
Tigger used to reside in a cluster of bushes in the finale of the ride. It is in fact Tigger from winne the feces excrement crap shit poo pooh, again another attempt by Alton Towers to make the ride more family friendly. His stay in the bushes was short however as he bounced so high that he hit the roof...I mean sky and was severely mutilated. His newly mutilated body gave him a demonic look and sent him quite insane. He also now has a phobia of foliage and lives as a recluse in the oh crap we’ve run out of space room, also called The Room of a Thousand EEYEAHHHHRRROOOO!’S.
Pillock Demon
The pillock demon can be found stuck inside a broken pillar in the garden. To this day he tries to throw himself out of the pillar, although nowadays his attempts have become feeble and he seems to have acquired mental illness with moronic laughter. The pillock demon was trapped in the pillar having tried to claim an object from it, exclaiming “ooooohh a penny!” before becoming trapped, prompting John Wardley to say “What a pillock.” in The Extraordinarily Amazing Themes Dreams and Scream Machines Extended Edition.
Humanoid Beings
Jack Nicholson Giant
A giant clone of Jack Nicholson himself, this was the effect that made John Wardley say “This will be the most awesome dark ride ever built”. The cars would pass through a corridor where Jack’s fingers would break through the windows and claw for the guests, and most of the time he would succeed in dragging them to their deaths. The car with its few remaining guests would proceed to a window, in which Jack would lean towards and say “Here’s Johnny!”. The rising number of guest casualties forced Alton Towers to take action, and finger puppets were strapped to Jack’s fingers during his slumber. He awoke to find he had been forced to carry out finger puppet shows to the guests instead. This annoyed Jack and after a while he just thought “Balls to this.” and left. Despite his gigantic stature his whereabouts is unknown.
Monk
The monk was a peaceful being that hangs in the cloisters of the garden. Since the introduction of Duel the monk has had to get his old joints working to avoid getting blasted. He’s not very good though and always gets shot in the face.
The Undertaker
The undertaker has a disease where his right hand is constantly in a ‘beckoning’ motion. The disease seems to be very versatile in its ability to deteriorate, rebuild, glove and extend his hand whilst also moving it at different speeds or even stop altogether. He is actually a friendly ‘A pint with an anecdote down the pub’ sort of chap, but his beckoning disease seems to put people off with them assuming he is a strange, senile, irritating, paedophilic old fart. He was also decapitated once by the dragon after he unintentionally beckoned it towards him. His head grew back though because it’s the afterlife.
Lunatic
A very hostile member of The Haunted House. Beware. He will rape you. Yes, you JAIME...(Just to psychologically confuse anyone called Jaime reading this).
Skeletons
The skeletons made their debut in the skeleton corridor which up until that point was the ghost corridor which was haunted by the ghosts of the three stooges, and all of them tried to fly through the hatch and down the corridor at the same time and kept getting stuck so they were removed... fine ‘exorcised’ geez this was a mistake. So it became the skeleton corridor which included the electrician Electric Bill (Electric Bill Services; No wiring can’t I attach, No light bulb can’t I fix. © 1926), the caught doing something on his bed skeleton, the crapper skeleton, the bomber skeleton (who was believed to be the future remains of Bin Laden as the result of a time paradox) and the bog blocker eruption skeleton. It was quite...smelly. There was also a skeleton in the station at the end of the ride which jumped out on guests and caused many a heart attack.
Other Abominations
Giant Spider
The giant spider had a contraption on its back which allowed it to tap dance and sing in a marionette style. After the Keith Sparks Incident it had to be removed BUT another amazingly complex huge contraption was made which allowed it to...tilt its head...a bit.
Faces and Banshees
The faces and banshees are the most annoying things you are likely to encounter and reside mostly in The Room of a Thousand EEYEAHHHHRRROOOO!’S and the finale and mainly go EEYEAHHHHRRROOOO! repeatedly. I’m not going to say it again. The Face Ripper used to be in the finale and contained the soles souls of the dead. One day however they literally skyrocketed through the roof...I mean sky and the face now rips off revealing it’s insides ala horror movies of the 80’s.
White Reaper
The heavy metal band led by The Grim Reaper who were active years 1985 to- wait that’s White Zombie, yeah the white reaper doesn’t do much. He just stands there, hell he could be a statue for all I know...I HATE HIM!
Ghoulie Teacher
Teacher of personnel development.
The CBA Monster
A teenage monster that lived in a swamp and was often called by his dragon parents but could never be arsed to get up. He quickly drowned in the swamp.
The Dragons
The Husband and Wife guards of the exit of the ride, who often poked their heads through the mouth of a gargoyle and said “SHUTUPA WITH DA SHUTUPA!”. The woman dragon was responsible for ripping the head off the beckoning Undertaker.
John Wardley
John Wardley lived in The Haunted House all is life until he decided it would be a great opportunity to turn it into an attraction, so he had it transported to Alton Towers. For many years he had maintained a fond relationship with all of its residents and on opening day 1992 he left the house for the last time and it’s residents were left grieving as he made his exit.
OH WAIT! TURNS OUT ITS NOT REAL! IT’S ALL FAKE! IT’S NOT HAUNTED AT ALL! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS!
On his last tour of The House he said to the manager of Tussauds “This is the greatest dark ride ever built, you must promise me to maintain it and look after it as long as you’re alive.” Unfortunately they were in The Room of a Thousand EEYEAHHHHRRROOOO!’S (doh!) at the time and he thought he said “In 10 years time completely and arrogantly destroy this ride with total disregard to its original intention and add laser guns, zombies and flashing lights...oh and get rid of the skeleton corridor, because personally I think it’s a load of old arse.”
John Wardley has never been seen riding Duel as its rumoured that he is designing his own real working laser guns so he can go in there, obliterate everything and build an even bigger, better Haunted House.
