Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: The Ride
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is an abomination dark ride located in the Cloud Cuckoo Land area of the Alton Towers Resort. It is about as inventive and intelligent as the name.
History and Conception
When Alton Towers decided that it needed to replace the semi-mythical, fap-inducing dark ride Toyland Tours (which in 1994 replaced the even more mythical yet substantially less fap-inducing Around the World in 80 Days, after park management decided that 80 days was far too long a ride duration - even for the nerdiest dark ride aficionados) it controversially opted to use the treasured intellectual property of Britain's favourite half Norwegian childrens' storyteller Roald Dahl. After literally days of planning, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was conceived.
Having spunked all the budget up the wall on the name, it was acknowledged that the project would have to be completed on a tight budget. Massive savings were made by leaving half of the original boat ride section totally and utterly redundant (along with constructing the façade out of cardboard boxes salvaged from behind numerous catering outlets across the park). Vain fripperies such as theming and effort were also scrapped.
One area where there was no shortage of effort and funding was the Great Glass Elevator simulator ride. They needn't have bothered though, because this was crap as well.
Appropriately enough, the ride opened on April 1st 2006.
Ride Experience
After enduring the excruciating queue line audio feast, riders take their seats and are transported into the first magical scene... a fat German child being asphyxiated in a pipe full of chocolate. Charming! This scene also contains the first of literally some static Oompah Loompah models.
The second scene contains a few more static Oompah Loompahs, some blatantly re-used props from Toyland Tours and a young girl, again being asphyxiated - this time by her own immense, juice-inflated girth.
After passing through one of those heeeeeeee-larious "waterfalls wot switch off just as you're about to pass under them" the ride then attempts to simulate speed, disorientation and excitement by blasting riders with mirrors, strobe lights and one simple animatronic squirrel. Obviously this fails. You will then be waved off the ride, bemused, by the one, solitary animatronic Oompah Loompah.
Victims are then ushered into a small cupboard, which rattles and shakes a bit... And then they emerge, blinking into the Sun, after a battle of static lights and vibrating floors.
Criticism
Many have stated that Alton Towers missed a merchandising opportunity by not placing a gaudy chocolate shop at the ride exit. Far more appropriately, Roald Dahl's corpse was relocated to underneath the exit path. Rumour has it that the vibration of the elevator simulator is caused by Roald spinning in his grave.
