Air

Revision as of 22:27, 18 October 2010

Do you like concrete? Then Air is the ride for you! Air is the world's first brutalist themed rollercoaster.

The world's first Alton's first flying coaster opened in 2002 to critical distain. Themed around the age-old struggle of plants vs. cement, its track swoops around Forbidden Valley.

Queue

The queue for Air can be deceptive, as most of the extensions are hidden from within the park. Basically, if you can see anyone at all in the queue, come back later. Air makes cunning use of twin, parallel stations to slow down its throughput. This, coupled with the fact that at any given moment, at least two things have broken on Air, means the ride suffers more downtime than Stealth. It is possible to be the only person in the queue, and still not get on because of a breakdown.

Ride Experience

If you are lucky, you might get as far as boarding the train. To many first time guests, this is the most terrifying part of the ride. As you take your seat, the car rocks slightly. This can cause injury to certain male body parts.... although it's not as bad as a Topscan. Once seated, the restraints can be closed. A tight fitting rubber vest clamps itself over your chest in an unnervingly kinky fashion. At the same time, hidden mechanical hands grab your ankles. "Hey, just what kind of ride is this?" is a common quote at this point.

Several things then quickly happen:

• The floor drops from under your feet.
• A husky female voice demands that you "Assume the position!" The correct response here is "Yes mistress!". Or, depending what you're into, "Woof!"
• You are then tilted forwards, your bum high in the air, as if waiting for a spanking.

The trains then dispatch into an underground car park. If you are lucky, you may see one of the native mops that have colonised the tunnel. They are a protected species, but seem to live happily beside the track. The trains continue to the lift hill, all the time giving wonderful views of both cement AND puddles!

The lift hill is known for stopping randomly. It is not unknown to stop two or three times before you reach the top of the hill. But if you make it that far, then you are one of the lucky few who managed to ride Air.

The bizarre ride position of Air means that as you go down the first drop, your head is lower than your bum. This feels wrong on many levels... But then, most of Air feels wrong. The track swoops over the path in classic John Wardley style, then twists so that riders are lying on their backs, facing the sky, travelling backwards. Even on a cloudy day, the human iris cannot move fast enough to cope with the change in light levels. Many people have been permanently blinded by this. You have been warned!

After a few seconds of visual agony, you are turned the right wrong way up again, and pass through a small tunnel. All this time, the juxtaposition of plants and concrete is perfect. One second you are brushing your fingers through the grass, the next you are scraping your knuckles across rough cement. The track swoops upward into a 360' twist, another potential eye-wrecker.

For a finale, the trains dip down, and up into a car-park-fly-by! The views are spectacular, and on a busy day, car-spotters will be thrilled.

One last curve brings you to the break run, where you can experience the curious sensation of being thrown head first into the bare feet of the chav in front of you. It is usual to wait at least 16 minutes on the break run before returning to the station. This is due to a breakdown, and nothing to worry about. Here we find that the plant vs. cement war was won by the concrete. It is usually around this time, when you are staring at the brick paving underneath you, that you start to question the strength of the restraints. Rest assured that if your rubber gimp vest fails, your feet will still be secured by the love cuffs, causing you to crash face first into the floor. And maybe break your ankles.

But this is very rare.

Trains often arrive at the opposite station to the one they departed from, causing no end of confusion to riders. The exit path introduces us to a new theme, even mightier than concrete... Steel! The stairs deposit riders into a local Woolworths store, held in a temporal-loop for the benefit of Alton Towers guests.

Points of Interest:

• Air was codenamed SW5.
• Air is generally considered to be impressive, yet disappointing.
• Air can be summed up as "looks scary, but isn't".

Useful Fan Nicknames

• Fair: The Ride
• FAFF: The Ride
• Concrete: The Ride
• Breakdown: The Ride

Nicknames: What Do The Letters Stand For?

• Annoyance Is Regular
• Aerodynamic Infernal Rage
• Almost Internationally Recognised
• Almost Intaminish Reliability
• Absolutely Incredibly Retarded
• Ale Is Required
• Abysmal Inconsequential Rustbucket
• Argh! It's Relaxing!
• Amazingly Inconsistent Rollercoaster