Thirteen

Thirteen (or Th13teen... or 13.... or Thir13teen... or ThFAILteen... or ThThirteenteen... or Fou14teen... or Da F1RtEen) is currently considered the best roller coaster in the world, just above the acclaimed X:\WTF at Thorpe Park, and Gouderix at Parc Asterix in France. It's situated in the Intamin Forest at Alton Towers. It is also the hiding place of James.

Construction

It was constructed personally by John Wardley out of whatever scarce resources were available at the time (namely optimism, hyperbole, bits of old fluff, PVA glue and some steel that was pinched from a skip round the back of Drayton Manor - rumour has it this was earmarked for their long rumoured 'Blue Fire type thingy', plans which have consequently been put on hold while they build a hotel that approximately nobody will ever feasibly use). John then set about building what Alton Towers' marketing department dubbed, "every roller coaster you've ever dreamed of... after eating too much cheese."

The construction of Th13teen was shrouded in mystery. So much so, that a mass grave was excavated on-site early on, to

The mass grave used to dispose of those who threatened to reveal Thirteen's secrets

bury anyone who dared reveal the secrets of 'SW6' to the rabid 'enthusiast community'. It was during this phase, that Alton Towers colluded with 'Team TT' to keep the masses ignorant... sort of like communism. The team shamelessly accepted bribes (mostly crude polaroid snaps of John Wardley's bum), in return for removing any vaguely accurate information from the boards of TTF.

Ultimately however, all original plans were scrapped when 'an old castle thing' sprung up overnight on the ground previously home to the Corkscrew (the 'castle' is rumoured to have fallen out of a rider's pocket back in 1987, owing to the appalling lack of bag storage available, and simply nobody had noticed until now). Engineers decided to just build a bit of track, and feed it into the 'castle thing' and see what happened. As it turns out, an elevator-like device gingerly lowered riders into the world's first crypt paradoxically located on the ground floor of a structure.

Public Opinion

Skip forward to March 20th 2010 and Thir13irteen opened to great fanfare. Poor weather and even the presence of Jonathan Ross failed to dampen spirits. Alton Towers' marketing team (often mistaken for mythical 'wraiths') were quick to seek out public opinion of the new ride. Opinions generally ranged from "Yeah, quite good. Bit short though" to "Yeah, I really enjoyed it... but it was a bit short". The day was overshadowed however, when John Wardley was kidnapped by a crowd of 'enthusiasts', after uncharacteristically deciding to go for a walk without an armed guard. His whereabouts remain unknown...

The ride experience of Th13teen has been described as having "more trims than a mens' barber shop on a Saturday morning" as well as being "a rollerskate around the woods, then finishing with a Tower Of Terror imitation drop". Oxford University's top linguistic experts are still working round the clock to de-code this sentence, to establish whether the quoted person enjoyed or hated the experience of Th13teen.

One particularly eloquent forum goer described Thirteen thus:

"this ride appears to be nothing more than the impromptu and accidental love child of The Frog Hopper and Runaway Mine Train, conceived following half a can of cider during an emotional school prom, discarded to fend for itself in woodland once reserved for duelling Schwarzkopfs and cross-valley woodies and unearthed during excavations for a tombstone marking the departure of the marketing director following not so much shooting themselves in the foot, but blowing off all four limbs after climbing inside an unexploded world war II bomb and promptly being left lying in the mud, swallowing the occasional passing slug in order to survive."

Technical Difficulties

See also: Dedicated Trackside Flux Sensor

Th13teen has recently been experiencing persistent technical issues. These have been initially addressed by imposing a strict weight limit on the trains - a move which has caused Theme Park Review to cancel their planned trip to Alton Towers this Summer, after a suggestion of eating fewer burgers was unanimously vetoed.

The Marmite Ride

Th13teen - proclaimed as "The Ultimate roller coaster" - has unfortunately divided opinions between anyone who has or hasn't ridden it, thus creating tension and worldwide backlash. The main reasons as to this divide in many communities is the way the roller coaster was marketed (as a thrill ride, when in fact it was meant for families), and the ride experience itself with the 'OHAI GUYZ' world's first free-falling drop.

Thus this has now coined the phrase, The Marmite Ride because it is either loved and adored, pampered and made delicate like a Ming vase... or despised, spat on, kicked and regularly picked on. You could say it's the reason why it has so many technical delays, unlike Air who just has massive hissy fits.