Flamingo Land

Flamingo Land is a theme park and zoo dumped in the middle of North Yorkshire. It is advised that the mentally able do not visit here on pain of death.

Rides and Attractions

Rollercoasters

• Not the real Corkscrew - A cheap way for Alton Towers fans to regain that feeling.

• Kumali - A yellow monstrosity ruining the countryside views, and was once struck by lightning.

• Mumbo Jumbo - Held the record of World's steepest drop, until people realised it was crap and a new, better ride was built in France.

• Velocity - Like Rita, but on a bike, and not as good.

Thrill Rides

• Cliff-Hanger- Lighthouse themed drop tower, that makes Alton Towers very jealous.

• Flip Flop - Basic Insanity ride with every effort to get you cold, wet, and throughly pissed off.

• Sky Flyer - Possibly the most painful and poorly themed ride 'oop North'.

Water Rides

• Lost River Ride - Themed as an African Boat Journey, yet somhehow in the middle of North Yorkshire.

• Splash Battle - Do not be surprised by the tame appearance. You get wet. Very wet.

• Pedaloes - The name says it all; you get on, you pedal, you sink. Produces high levels of faff.

Family Rides

• 4D Cinema - Now showing Spongebob 4D, a 15 minute trip to boredom and back.

• Balloon Race - A whirly... thing.

• Mischeif Mansion - One of the most laughable attempts at a ghost train ever made. Highly likely that guns can be expected soon.

• Wild Mouse - Probably the best ride there, Wild Mouse is a step back in time to the 60s. However, safety wasn't really an issue on coasters back then...

• Wave Swinger - Like the Twirling Toadstool, Wave Swinger is a basic, well, Wave Swinger. However it is less enjoyable and threatening than the bullying monster at Alton Towers

• Wagon Wheels - A Wild-West themed Ferris wheel that sticks out from it's surroundings like a sore thumb. Strangely terrifying, it induces high levels of stress upon visitors.

• Navigator - Like Kobra, but with less faff, as it just gets on with its job without a big deal.

• Voodoo - Carrying on the theme of an African Settlement in the freezing wilderness of Yorkshire, Voodoo is a Pirate Ship with less style than the Black Buccaneer or Blade.

• Chinese Dragon - A typical 'caterpillar' ride. But with dragons. Not caterpillars. DRAGONS, I TELL YOU!

• Runaway Train - In no way themed and in no way impressive, the Runaway Train is as clever and inspired as its title.

Kids Rides

• Gallopers Carousel - No relation to the camp carousel at Alton Towers.

• Little Monster's Wacky Racers - Old fashioned cars go round round a track (a licence must first be attained from the Peugeot 207 Driving School.

• Muddy Duck Tractor Ride - A gentle ride around a farmyard, that is somehow littered with fish and chip boxes.

• HMS Bouncy - A bouncy play area in the style of a ship. A sure spot for screaming children, and a major cause of Mental Insecurity.

• Rockin' Tug - A slightly more endurable version of Heave Ho!. Very slightly.

• Junior Driving School - Flamingo Land's answer to Peugeot 207 Driving School. However, it can be regarded as a fail, because, in the words of a younger visitor; 'This one is rubbish 'cos you don't get one of those picture things, do you?'

• Swan Roundabout - Basic Carousel.

• Pink ELephants - Basic Carousel.

• Kiddies Mini Roundabout - Basic Carousel.(Can you see a pattern emerging?)

• Honey Bears - Basic Carousel.

• Spotted Cow Ride - Basic Carousel.

• Jungle Carousel - Basic Carousel.

• Flying Clowns - Freaky Carousel.

• Helioys - Control your own 'helicopter' for 30 seconds. Queue time approximately 50 minutes.

• Frog Hopper - Nearly as awesome and violent as the one at Alton Towers. But not quite.

• Go Gator! - Pinfari. No More to be said.

Misc

• Dodgems - No tacky, fairground prizes for guessing what this ride is. However you can win some on the ridiculously over priced stalls nearby.

• Cycle Monorail - Cycle along attempting to shunt the bike in front of you. First bike to five shunts wins.

• Fun Play Areas - Use your own imagination.

• Daktari Express - A minituare railway that children love to delay by standing in front of the tracks.

• Zoo Monorail - Oh, what fun it is to watch baboons kill each other with large rocks. Take in this sight and many more whilst you travel around the barbaric monkey enclosures.

• People Moover - A terrible play on words, this takes you to the muddy duck area of the park, on a black and white monorail. Closed down more regularly than Rita is with a hangover.

• Cable Cars - High and unpredictable, the cable cars take you across from Kumali to Lemur Island, which is less exciting than it sounds. At least they don't catch fire.

• Splish Splosh - An 'interactive' play area. If these means getting unexpectedly soaked and charged by aggresive children, then this is surely one of the most 'interactive' attractions around.