Flamingo Land

Revision as of 21:01, 13 December 2010

Flamingo Land is a family-run theme park and zoo, located in officially the flattest part of North Yorkshire. The word "flamingo" is derived from the latin flamingus mingus, which we now know to mean "gypsy".

Current Rides and Attractions

Rollercoasters

• Corkscrew - A Vekoma Pigeon-Killer 5000. It looks like a clone of Alton Towers' Corkscrew, but it wasn't and never was. It was the first rollercoaster in the country Flamingoland to invert people twice.

• Kumali - A Vekoma SLC with an almost-custom layout. Just like the one in China infact... but it isn't a clone.

• Mumbo Jumbo - A (100% non-cloned) S&S El Loco, with a record-breaking 112-degree drop!

• Velocity - A custom-designed Vekoma Motorbike launch coaster, with a launch of 54mph in 2.5 seconds, making it the fastest of it's kind in the world. A well-known fact is that the restraints resemble a kind of genital garlic-press.

• Wild Mouse - A Maurer Sohne Wild Mouse. Rumour has it that blades are regularly attached to the sides of each car, to allow for the trimming of neighbouring foliage.

Flat Rides

• Cliff-Hanger- An S&S drop tower, the tallest of it's kind anywhere! The centrepiece of Seaside Adventure; once themed to a giant lighthouse, a single complaint from a man 15 miles away ensured that Flamingoland's first proper attempt at themeing was swiftly removed and never spoked of again.

• Flip Flop - What appears to be a gyro-swing ride is actually one of the park's tittilating fairground games; if you can fling your shoe into Splash Battle's volcano you just might win a prize!

• Sky Flyer - The park's flagship attraction, which pulls in people as far afield as Flip Flop, and boasts queue times of up to 19 seconds, or however long it takes you to walk up the steps and find a seat.

Water Rides

• Lost River Ride - A gentle float through the serene atmosphere of the zoo... ahhhh... Until the BACK-BREAKING DROP OF DEATH into the DNA-altering pool of despair!!

• Splash Battle - Get your water gun and shoot at the (mostly non-functioning) targets to avoid a serious soaking! A conveniently located volcano destroys the area every 10 minutes.

Family Rides

• 4D Cinema - Now showing Spongebob 4D, a 15 minute trip to boredom and back.

• Balloon Race - A whirly... thing.

• Mischeif Mansion - One of the most laughable attempts at a ghost train ever made. Highly likely that guns can be expected soon.

• Wild Mouse - Probably the best ride there, Wild Mouse is a step back in time to the 60s. However, safety wasn't really an issue on coasters back then...

• Wave Swinger - Like the Twirling Toadstool, Wave Swinger is a basic, well, Wave Swinger. However it is less enjoyable and threatening than the bullying monster at Alton Towers

• Wagon Wheels - A Wild-West themed Ferris wheel that sticks out from it's surroundings like a sore thumb. Strangely terrifying, it induces high levels of stress upon visitors.

• Navigator - Like Kobra, but with less faff, as it just gets on with its job without a big deal.

• Voodoo - Carrying on the theme of an African Settlement in the freezing wilderness of Yorkshire, Voodoo is a Pirate Ship with less style than the Black Buccaneer or Blade.

• Chinese Dragon - A typical 'caterpillar' ride. But with dragons. Not caterpillars. DRAGONS, I TELL YOU!

• Runaway Train - In no way themed and in no way impressive, the Runaway Train is as clever and inspired as its title.

Kids Rides

• Gallopers Carousel - No relation to the camp carousel at Alton Towers.

• Little Monster's Wacky Racers - Old fashioned cars go round round a track (a licence must first be attained from the Peugeot 207 Driving School.

• Muddy Duck Tractor Ride - A gentle ride around a farmyard, that is somehow littered with fish and chip boxes.

• HMS Bouncy - A bouncy play area in the style of a ship. A sure spot for screaming children, and a major cause of Mental Insecurity.

• Rockin' Tug - A slightly more endurable version of Heave Ho!. Very slightly.

• Junior Driving School - Flamingo Land's answer to Peugeot 207 Driving School. However, it can be regarded as a fail, because, in the words of a younger visitor; 'This one is rubbish 'cos you don't get one of those picture things, do you?'

• Swan Roundabout - Basic Carousel.

• Pink ELephants - Basic Carousel.

• Kiddies Mini Roundabout - Basic Carousel.(Can you see a pattern emerging?)

• Honey Bears - Basic Carousel.

• Spotted Cow Ride - Basic Carousel.

• Jungle Carousel - Basic Carousel.

• Flying Clowns - Freaky Carousel.

• Helioys - Control your own 'helicopter' for 30 seconds. Queue time approximately 50 minutes.

• Frog Hopper - Nearly as awesome and violent as the one at Alton Towers. But not quite.

• Go Gator! - Pinfari. No More to be said.

Misc

• Dodgems - No tacky, fairground prizes for guessing what this ride is. However you can win some on the ridiculously over priced stalls nearby.

• Cycle Monorail - Cycle along attempting to shunt the bike in front of you. First bike to five shunts wins.

• Fun Play Areas - Use your own imagination.

• Daktari Express - A minituare railway that children love to delay by standing in front of the tracks.

• Zoo Monorail - Oh, what fun it is to watch baboons kill each other with large rocks. Take in this sight and many more whilst you travel around the barbaric monkey enclosures.

• People Moover - A terrible play on words, this takes you to the muddy duck area of the park, on a black and white monorail. Closed down more regularly than Rita is with a hangover.

• Cable Cars - High and unpredictable, the cable cars take you across from Kumali to Lemur Island, which is less exciting than it sounds. At least they don't catch fire.

• Splish Splosh - An 'interactive' play area. If these means getting unexpectedly soaked and charged by aggresive children, then this is surely one of the most 'interactive' attractions around.