Flamingo Land

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Flamingo Land is a theme park and zoo dumped in the middle of North Yorkshire. It is advised that the mentally able do not visit here on pain of death.

Contents

Rides and Attractions

Rollercoasters

  • Kumali - A yellow monstrosity ruining the countryside views, and was once struck by lightning.
  • Mumbo Jumbo - Held the record of World's steepest drop, until people realised it was crap and a new, better ride was built in France.

Thrill Rides

  • Cliff-Hanger- Lighthouse themed drop tower, that makes Alton Towers very jealous.
  • Flip Flop - Basic Insanity ride with every effort to get you cold, wet, and throughly pissed off.
  • Sky Flyer - Possibly the most painful and poorly themed ride 'oop North'.


Water Rides

  • Lost River Ride - Themed as an African Boat Journey, yet somhehow in the middle of North Yorkshire.
  • Splash Battle - Do not be surprised by the tame appearance. You get wet. Very wet.
  • Pedaloes - The name says it all; you get on, you pedal, you sink. Produces high levels of faff.


Family Rides

  • 4D Cinema - Now showing Spongebob 4D, a 15 minute trip to boredom and back.
  • Balloon Race - A whirly... thing.
  • Mischeif Mansion - One of the most laughable attempts at a ghost train ever made. Highly likely that guns can be expected soon.
  • Wild Mouse - Probably the best ride there, Wild Mouse is a step back in time to the 60s. However, safety wasn't really an issue on coasters back then...
  • Wave Swinger - Like the Twirling Toadstool, Wave Swinger is a basic, well, Wave Swinger. However it is less enjoyable and threatening than the bullying monster at Alton Towers
  • Wagon Wheels - A Wild-West themed Ferris wheel that sticks out from it's surroundings like a sore thumb. Strangely terrifying, it induces high levels of stress upon visitors.
  • Navigator - Like Kobra, but with less faff, as it just gets on with its job without a big deal.
  • Voodoo - Carrying on the theme of an African Settlement in the freezing wilderness of Yorkshire, Voodoo is a Pirate Ship with less style than the Black Buccaneer or Blade.
  • Chinese Dragon - A typical 'caterpillar' ride. But with dragons. Not caterpillars. DRAGONS, I TELL YOU!
  • Runaway Train - In no way themed and in no way impressive, the Runaway Train is as clever and inspired as its title.

Kids Rides

  • Little Monster's Wacky Racers - Old fashioned cars go round round a track (a licence must first be attained from the Peugeot 207 Driving School.
  • Muddy Duck Tractor Ride - A gentle ride around a farmyard, that is somehow littered with fish and chip boxes.
  • HMS Bouncy - A bouncy play area in the style of a ship. A sure spot for screaming children, and a major cause of Mental Insecurity.
  • Rockin' Tug - A slightly more endurable version of Heave Ho!. Very slightly.
  • Junior Driving School - Flamingo Land's answer to Peugeot 207 Driving School. However, it can be regarded as a fail, because, in the words of a younger visitor; 'This one is rubbish 'cos you don't get one of those picture things, do you?'
  • Swan Roundabout - Basic Carousel.
  • Pink ELephants - Basic Carousel.
  • Kiddies Mini Roundabout - Basic Carousel.(Can you see a pattern emerging?)
  • Honey Bears - Basic Carousel.
  • Spotted Cow Ride - Basic Carousel.
  • Jungle Carousel - Basic Carousel.
  • Flying Clowns - Freaky Carousel.
  • Helioys - Control your own 'helicopter' for 30 seconds. Queue time approximately 50 minutes.
  • Go Gator! - Pinfari. No More to be said.

Misc

  • Dodgems - No tacky, fairground prizes for guessing what this ride is. However you can win some on the ridiculously over priced stalls nearby.
  • Cycle Monorail - Cycle along attempting to shunt the bike in front of you. First bike to five shunts wins.
  • Fun Play Areas - Use your own imagination.
  • Daktari Express - A minituare railway that children love to delay by standing in front of the tracks.
  • Zoo Monorail - Oh, what fun it is to watch baboons kill each other with large rocks. Take in this sight and many more whilst you travel around the barbaric monkey enclosures.
  • People Moover - A terrible play on words, this takes you to the muddy duck area of the park, on a black and white monorail. Closed down more regularly than Rita is with a hangover.
  • Cable Cars - High and unpredictable, the cable cars take you across from Kumali to Lemur Island, which is less exciting than it sounds. At least they don't catch fire.
  • Splish Splosh - An 'interactive' play area. If these means getting unexpectedly soaked and charged by aggresive children, then this is surely one of the most 'interactive' attractions around.
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