Thorpe Park

Revision as of 16:16, 27 August 2015

Oops, Maybe You Were looking For Fail

This article is about the only pikey stronghold south of Nottingham, for the caravan park in Cleethorpes, see Thorpe Park (the original and best).

(Some of this is graciously stolen from Unencyclopedia. Thanks!)

Their slogan is 'Twisted Pleasure... Twisted Pleasure in conning you out of your money, your dignity, your life's existence and NEW FOR 2014! THORPE PARK Resort waterside shipping container hotel! (oh and Angry Birds Land)!

THORPE PARK (also known as Fail Park, Thorpe Krap, Hell or The place which we do not speak of) is one of Britain's worst nightmares and the British enthusiast's dream gone horribly wrong with added FAIL. A chav breeding ground and so called 'Thrill Capital', it's only thrills are the queuelines and the fact rides break down every day, on the hour and every hour. It is a place of terror for any family within children under 12 and no wait... let me rephrase that... it is Britain's most voted place of terror. Please note as of 2014 THORPE PARK is now known as THORPE PARK Resort (yes THORPE PARK is still in capitals, yet Resort isn't! Why you ask? We haven't a clue!)

The Scottish equivalent to Thorpe Park is M and Ds. No arguments. It just is.

The park's slogan is Join the queue for real fun! and it appears in all cases, this is true.

Sometimes, it's just less hassle to visit Chessington World of Adventures. Why? Because it's the land of God himself!

See also: Thorpe Park: The Musical

History

The park was opened in 1979 as a very nice and decent place where everyone could go and have a jolly old time! Families liked it. Enthusiasts liked it. It had some lovely little rides and attractions too that were decent as well and sometimes... even good! Wonderful even. Of course this was back before the chavs were an invented species and the 21st century had come into motion.

Some former rides and attractions are as follows:

• Phantom Fantasia/Wicked Witches Haunt - Burnt down just after the news of a Intamin roller coaster came along. This was the Southern equivalent to The Haunted House at Alton Towers, with a 1990 onride to prove it. There used to be an animatronic witch at the front of the ride who cackled at you for your stupid 80s mullet/90s shave. This is what remained of the fire incident. Look at what Intamin did to the park!

• Magic Mill/Mr Rabbit's Tropical Travels - Also partially burnt down with Wicked Witches Haunt. This was a wonderful and pleasant ride that was the Southern equivalent to Toyland Tours at Alton Towers with another onride to prove it. T'was rethemed to the Ranger County area and soon replaced by Nymphferior.

• Pirates 4D - Possibly one of the most decent 4D shows in the UK at the time with an animatronic pirate parrot, the film starred Leslie Nielsen and Eric Idle. The Naked Gun meets Monty Python with a big heap of pirate costumes? AHOY! Was removed for FAIL Time Voyagers.

• Thorpe Farm - Decent farm, closed because nobody cared for it anymore.

• Model World - Decent models of various visitor attractions around the world.

Reliability record

Absolutely terrible. Put it this way - if you want to ride anything, don't bother spending £49, just walk round your local chav-infested town centre, it's a pretty similar experience as you usually can't ride anything decent at Thorpe anyway!

2011 Pass Holder Preview Day

The park received considerable criticism during their 2011 Pass Holder Preview day when approximately 97 people turned up, more than triple the expected amount.

Staff were unable to cope with the influx of people and a public toilet had to be opened in attempt to keep waste to a minimum.

X:\ No Way Out was required to run with one train, more than double the typical amount required on Pass Holder Preview Days.

Rides & Attractions

Rollercoasters

• Colossus
• Nemesis Inferno
• Stealth
• SAW: The Ride
• X:\No Way Out - Now running forwards!!
• The swarm
• The Flying Fish

Thrill Rides

• Rush
• Vortex
• Samurai
• Slammer
• Detonator

Water Rides

• Tidal Wave
• Loggers Leap
• Depth Charge
• Ribena Rumba Rapids (Due to the recent addition of Storm Surge Rumba Rapids suddenly doesn't feel so bad)

Family Rides

• Mr Monkey's Banana Ride
• Rangers Carousel
• Rocky Express
• Quantum
• Storm in a Teacup

Misc

• SAW:Alive*Only open on the 5th Friday of every Month, during a full moon, when it snows.
• Time Voyagers NOW ANGRY BIRDS LAND 4D! !1!
• Tidal Wave Wetzone

The One Nobody Likes

• 2011 new attraction: A 'Storm Surge', the literal Cypress Gardens castaway!