Alton Towers

Latest revision as of 17:02, 28 March 2018

Alton Towers is a theme park in Staffordshire, which this entire wiki is about (well, almost) and is blatantly the best in all of the UK for everything. The park is awesomes. And anybody here would not beg to differ because they are delusional.

The park is named after the manor-like ruins of a family estate, which stand on top of a hill opposite the main entrance past a very, very, very, very huge lake containing a giant squid. There is also a slightly interesting garden. It is common misconception that the ruins are a castle. No don't be stupid. That is not a castle, that is nowhere near a castle, you blithering idiot. There is already a castle in Alton and it's OUTSIDE OF THE PARK, named Alton Castle. It's too small to be a castle anyway!

Wow.

The home used to be the summer residence of the wealthy Talbot family, best known for the inherited title, Earl of Shrewsbury (weird eh? Shrewsbury is a fair old way from the park!). This is the same family responsible for Hex happening, a untrue account of the 15th Earl of Shrewsbury deciding not to pay tax to a government crone.

The park opened in 1980 with the Corkscrew roller coaster, and was immediately praised by the public for being a better than good theme park in England. Since then, Alton Towers has had a multitude of various rides ranging from the tame and meek to zOMFG, to appeal to all ages.

If anybody in park is found to dislike everything and anything in park, proclaiming somewhere like Thorpe Park is better, then they are fed to the giant squid and their relatives/friends/co-workers minds are erased of their existence. This is the reason why chavs are currently in the 'Threatened: Vulnerable' category of the Conservation status.

Alton Towers are famous for having a vicious,child-eating monofail manufactured by Von Roll, and opened by William Shatner of Star Trek fame. How's that for publicity?

[edit] Hotel

Main article: Alton Towers Hotel

In 1996 Alton Towers said to the Staffordshire council "I can haz hotel yes?" so they agreed and the result was an overpriced hotel, Alton Towers Hotel which is slightly better than your average Travelodge. Some time later they decided they needed another one, which was also only slightly better than the average Travelodge. Splash Landings Hotel opened in 2003 complete with a waterpark, which you have to give over your family fortune to get into, and is slightly worse (albeit much cleaner) and than the nearby Water World, mon.

[edit] Rides & Attractions

[edit] Rollercoasters

• Nemesis
• The Smiler Nameless Gerstlauer Infinity coaster
• Air
• Oblivion
• Rita
• Th13teen
• Sonic Spinball
• Runaway Mine Train
• Octanauts Rollercoaster Adventure
• The Magic
• Wicker Man

[edit] Thrill Rides

• Ripsaw
• Blade
• Enterprise

[edit] Family rides

• Hex - The Legend of the Towers
• Duel
• Marauders Mayhem
• Twirling Toadstool

[edit] Water rides

• Congo River Rapids
• Battle Galleons
• The Flume

[edit] Kids rides

• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: The Ride
• Heave Ho!
• Squirrel Nutty
• Gallopers Carousel
• Peugeot 207 Driving School
• Frog Hopper
• Riverbank Eye Spy
• Doodle Doo Derby
• Old MacDonald's Tractor Ride

[edit] Transport

• Monorail
• Skyride

[edit] Misc

• Berry Bish Bash
• Haunted Hollow
• Sharkbait Reef
• Ice Age 4D (actually old NEW film for 2015!)
• Towers Complex & Gardens
• There's Something in the Dungheap

[edit] Past Rides

• Toyland Tours
• Thunderlooper
• The Beastie
• Doom and Sons
• Corkscrew
• Submission