AstroDan
TS Team
- Favourite Ride
- Steel Vengeance, Cedar Point
First, I should point out - Phantasialand is one of the best theme parks in Europe. Indeed, in some respects, it's one of the best in the world at what it does well. This post is partly tongue in cheek, partly dead serious. Read into it how you wish.
Phantasialand: The irregularities and irritations of one of Europe's best parks
I have long been visiting Phantasialand. 2007 as a matter of fact - when Black Mamba was but a year old, and Talocan had just opened. Back then, Winja's still had the power to give the impression it was the best spinning coaster in the world (even though it has long since lost that crown, and is in fact nowhere near it) and Colorado Adventure was still 'the Michael Jackson Thrill Ride'. Since then, I have been back a good 9 or 10 times - at all different times of year, staying in Ling Bao, Matamba, the former Smokey's Digger Camp (thank god they removed that) or in central Cologne or Bonn. You name it, I have tried it.
But with all this in mind, as the park has developed the old and invested in some truly mindblowing themed areas and rides - there are still a very many things that Phantasialand does - or does not - do. These are the irregularities and irritations of this major - yet small - theme park that I have built up over several visits.
Checking In: Do you complete the infamous IBAN transfer?
Although perfectly polite, only at Phantasialand does checking in to your hotel room take 10-15 minutes. The sheer quantity of paperwork to be handed out, the reservation cards that they give you for the restaurants (as if you can book online, don't be silly!), the signatures. Of course, paying on arrival remains a perfectly accepted way of paying for your stay - but don't forget they will be reminding you to transfer the FULL amount via International Bank Transfer 21 days before. If you don't, then they may well cancel the room. Of course, they won't cancel the room. And in this day and age... who exactly is going to complete a costly IBAN transfer directly into Phantasialand's coffers? This bizarre practise seemed odd a decade ago. Now, it's positively stupid.
Ticket to get in. And get out.
Hotel guest? You'll need that park ticket to get into the park. And get back out again. Woe Betide any non-resident trying their luck for a cocktail or two during the afternoon when they could stay in the park! What they fail to realise, of course, is that you could just exit via Berlin, walk round the road, and get into the hotel anyway... truly, odd.
It's a bit... cold!
Phantasialand is one of the great independent parks. Like Europa-Park, it's family owned. But somehow... the relationship between the park and its guests (and enthusiasts for that matter) is cold. There is no human face to Phantasialand. There isn't a Mr. Mack (EP), or a Mr. Gélis (Niglo), or a Mrs. Thompson (BPB). We know their name, yes - but somehow, behind all the glitz - Phantasialand is devoid of a face. It's the family park that somehow doesn't feel family. There's a certain standoffishness. And I have never quite been able to put my finger on it.
Coffee? No. Cake? No.
New for 2021 was the wondeful "Tortchen & Co" in Berlin. This amazing patisserie sells delicious treats. It's often quiet. Upon entering, you may wish to grab a cake. Or indeed, someone may just prefer a coffee. But no. You have to buy each - they are bundled. A drink and a cake. And that is the end of the matter. Now... you fancy a coke on top, just to quench the thirst - along with the coffee and cake, But no. To get the coke, you'd need to buy another cake. Rules, Rules, Rules. Even the lady at the counter agreed this was a 'stupid' rule - given the premises was largely empty.
Photos? REMOVE.
Phantasialand do not like you taking photos. A ride is unavailable? Delete the evidence! A buffet that happens to have empty bowls? Get rid! I (and others) have been challenged many times by staff when taking photos. Most recently, as I took a photo of the bacon I was asked why I was taking a photo of the buffet. "Are photos forbidden?" I asked. It's a theme park, not Berlin 1944. We've also seen it with Talocan, where the ride was closed for the day - as someone attempted to take a photo of the ride from the viewing area, they were quickly told to remove all evidence! Are they running scared of a TripAdvisor rating? They need not be nervous. There is far more good here than bad.
Springy Springy: A bad back at 8am?
Never ever have I known a cheap, shoddy mattress like one at Matamba. You could feel the springs coming through. Given the general standards of the hotels at Phantasialand, I will never know how they accept such beds. I have known better on camp with kids.
Take it, Take it!
We had some single use Quick Passes from our hotel stay. 2 each, in fact. So we used these entirely on Winja's due to the hideous waiting area. On Force, we handed two over. Rather than just taking them and binning them, the host stamped them (!) and then gave them back to us. I asked why, given they were single use, and said was there a bin. He said he had to return them to us as this was the policy. Interesting. Seconds later, Winja's Fear. The host took the quick passes, looked... and binned them. I say.
Queue times, queue close
The queue times which you see at ride entrances are often wide of the mark - one way, or the other. 40 minutes can mean 60 and 70 can mean 25. Once you have visited a park many times, it's nice to have that feeling that you can just 'tell' how long a queue is. But not here, oh no. It's impossible. Ride capacities vary wildly and where you might expect a ride to eat queues, it doesn't. Or when you think it won't, it does. Equally, the park's increasing obsession with closing some queue lines earlier than others. Yes, it's displayed at the entrance but come on... it's hardly premium. Efteling don't do it, Europa-Park don't do it, and neither should Phantasialand.
Thank you for reading.
Phantasialand: The irregularities and irritations of one of Europe's best parks
I have long been visiting Phantasialand. 2007 as a matter of fact - when Black Mamba was but a year old, and Talocan had just opened. Back then, Winja's still had the power to give the impression it was the best spinning coaster in the world (even though it has long since lost that crown, and is in fact nowhere near it) and Colorado Adventure was still 'the Michael Jackson Thrill Ride'. Since then, I have been back a good 9 or 10 times - at all different times of year, staying in Ling Bao, Matamba, the former Smokey's Digger Camp (thank god they removed that) or in central Cologne or Bonn. You name it, I have tried it.
But with all this in mind, as the park has developed the old and invested in some truly mindblowing themed areas and rides - there are still a very many things that Phantasialand does - or does not - do. These are the irregularities and irritations of this major - yet small - theme park that I have built up over several visits.
Checking In: Do you complete the infamous IBAN transfer?
Although perfectly polite, only at Phantasialand does checking in to your hotel room take 10-15 minutes. The sheer quantity of paperwork to be handed out, the reservation cards that they give you for the restaurants (as if you can book online, don't be silly!), the signatures. Of course, paying on arrival remains a perfectly accepted way of paying for your stay - but don't forget they will be reminding you to transfer the FULL amount via International Bank Transfer 21 days before. If you don't, then they may well cancel the room. Of course, they won't cancel the room. And in this day and age... who exactly is going to complete a costly IBAN transfer directly into Phantasialand's coffers? This bizarre practise seemed odd a decade ago. Now, it's positively stupid.
Ticket to get in. And get out.
Hotel guest? You'll need that park ticket to get into the park. And get back out again. Woe Betide any non-resident trying their luck for a cocktail or two during the afternoon when they could stay in the park! What they fail to realise, of course, is that you could just exit via Berlin, walk round the road, and get into the hotel anyway... truly, odd.
It's a bit... cold!
Phantasialand is one of the great independent parks. Like Europa-Park, it's family owned. But somehow... the relationship between the park and its guests (and enthusiasts for that matter) is cold. There is no human face to Phantasialand. There isn't a Mr. Mack (EP), or a Mr. Gélis (Niglo), or a Mrs. Thompson (BPB). We know their name, yes - but somehow, behind all the glitz - Phantasialand is devoid of a face. It's the family park that somehow doesn't feel family. There's a certain standoffishness. And I have never quite been able to put my finger on it.
Coffee? No. Cake? No.
New for 2021 was the wondeful "Tortchen & Co" in Berlin. This amazing patisserie sells delicious treats. It's often quiet. Upon entering, you may wish to grab a cake. Or indeed, someone may just prefer a coffee. But no. You have to buy each - they are bundled. A drink and a cake. And that is the end of the matter. Now... you fancy a coke on top, just to quench the thirst - along with the coffee and cake, But no. To get the coke, you'd need to buy another cake. Rules, Rules, Rules. Even the lady at the counter agreed this was a 'stupid' rule - given the premises was largely empty.
Photos? REMOVE.
Phantasialand do not like you taking photos. A ride is unavailable? Delete the evidence! A buffet that happens to have empty bowls? Get rid! I (and others) have been challenged many times by staff when taking photos. Most recently, as I took a photo of the bacon I was asked why I was taking a photo of the buffet. "Are photos forbidden?" I asked. It's a theme park, not Berlin 1944. We've also seen it with Talocan, where the ride was closed for the day - as someone attempted to take a photo of the ride from the viewing area, they were quickly told to remove all evidence! Are they running scared of a TripAdvisor rating? They need not be nervous. There is far more good here than bad.
Springy Springy: A bad back at 8am?
Never ever have I known a cheap, shoddy mattress like one at Matamba. You could feel the springs coming through. Given the general standards of the hotels at Phantasialand, I will never know how they accept such beds. I have known better on camp with kids.
Take it, Take it!
We had some single use Quick Passes from our hotel stay. 2 each, in fact. So we used these entirely on Winja's due to the hideous waiting area. On Force, we handed two over. Rather than just taking them and binning them, the host stamped them (!) and then gave them back to us. I asked why, given they were single use, and said was there a bin. He said he had to return them to us as this was the policy. Interesting. Seconds later, Winja's Fear. The host took the quick passes, looked... and binned them. I say.
Queue times, queue close
The queue times which you see at ride entrances are often wide of the mark - one way, or the other. 40 minutes can mean 60 and 70 can mean 25. Once you have visited a park many times, it's nice to have that feeling that you can just 'tell' how long a queue is. But not here, oh no. It's impossible. Ride capacities vary wildly and where you might expect a ride to eat queues, it doesn't. Or when you think it won't, it does. Equally, the park's increasing obsession with closing some queue lines earlier than others. Yes, it's displayed at the entrance but come on... it's hardly premium. Efteling don't do it, Europa-Park don't do it, and neither should Phantasialand.
Thank you for reading.