Surreal news articles

[Alsty]

Surprised there's not a thread for this already. Post the weirdest and most surreal news articles below...

Here's your starter for 10

Sheffield topiarist 'disgusted by drunk hedge sex'

A topiarist says he is having to make regular repairs to his hedge due to drunk people pretending to have sex with it.

Link:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-44964690

 

[MattyH]

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-44968509

Egypt zoo accused of painting donkey to look like a zebra
A zoo in Egypt has denied painting black stripes on a donkey to make it look like a zebra after a photo of the animal appeared online.

 

[Rick]

@Alsty some of the quotes in that story are astonishing

 

[RicketyCricket]

 

[Alsty]

@Alsty some of the quotes in that story are astonishing

It reads just like an April fools story. I particularly liked it when he explained the joke at the end, "She's too privet, or private you know?"

 

[Alsty]

Man puts out Southend Pier fire by peeing on it

A man put out a fire on the world's longest pleasure pier by urinating on it.

Thomas Watson noticed a small fire on the deserted Southend Pier and took matters into his own hands by relieving himself over the flames.

Source: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-45018213

 

[Mikw]

https://news.sky.com/story/shark-disguised-as-baby-stolen-from-aquarium-in-pushchair-11454895

Shark disguised as baby stolen from aquarium in pushchair

Perhaps the headline should be "Shark Babe reef"

Sorry, i'll get my coat....

 

[DiogoJ42]

How did this nutter expect the shark to survive out of water?

 

[Rick]

Free Willy suggested that you can keep a sea creature on a flat bed truck for ages if you have a hose pipe squirting at it.

 

[DiogoJ42]

That was an air-breathing mammal though, not a smegging fish!

 

[Rick]

That was an air-breathing mammal though, not a smegging fish!

I think you are over estimating the intelligence of a chap who stole a shark in a pram.

 

[Alsty]

Cat finds bag of 'cocaine and heroin' and brings it home

A cat has apparently found and brought home a bag of what are suspected to be class A drugs.

The moggie's owner, from St Pauls in Bristol, found the pet "curled up" next to the bag on Monday morning, meaning it acquired the drugs while out roaming on Sunday night, probably leaving a dealer out of pocket.

Source: https://www.spiritfm.net/news/natio...bag-of-cocaine-and-heroin-and-brings-it-home/

 

[DiogoJ42]

Idiots. Shoulda kept it for themselves. Or at least fenced it on.

 

[Error]

All celebrity news articles are surreal for example:

Katie Price
Towie
Love Island (yes the contestants are still in the news)
******* Kim Kardashian (I don't understand her existence)
Bieber.

You get my drift.

 

[Alastair]

How about this:

https://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/n...th-nothing-to-eat-after-failed-food-delivery/

 

[Rojo]

This one always makes me chuckle

Psychic cancels live show due to 'unforeseen circumstances'

 

[RoyJess]

This one always makes me chuckle

Psychic cancels live show due to 'unforeseen circumstances'

 

[rob666]

Just watched the absolute ******** spouted on the lunchtime news that Airbus are going to use a harpoon and net to start collecting all the space junk floating about in near earth orbit.
Really?

Couple of thousand big bits.
Seven hundred thousand hand sized lumps.
One hundred and seventy MILLION small bits.
This thing will pick them off one at a time!
Might take a while then.

 

[Alsty]

Drunk burglar rammed Worcester shop using giraffe

A burglar, drunk on Lambrini and beer, used a giraffe statue as a battering ram to break into a shop and fell asleep at the scene, a court has heard.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hereford-worcester-45592235

 

[Alastair]

British woman feeling unwell in Tenerife stunned to discover 'dead tortoise inside her VAGINA'

The unnamed woman - thought to be an expat - has been quizzed police on the island following the unusual reptile discovery

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/british-woman-feeling-unwell-tenerife-13280657