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New bench

Christ. We’ve just been at DLP for the week and hadn’t realised Towers had pushed the boat out this far. Move over, Walt!

Meant to be back at work today, but am hastily bundling the kids in the car as we speak so we can get up there for this new fantastic investment.

Is there any merch available? My oldest is a sucker for a snow globe.
 
The Worlds first, record breaking purple bench*. Experience 360 degree views as you sit in this unique seat boasting 5 unique slats and scare yourself silly as you ride the seat AFTER DARK this scarefest!

*Bench costs £4.50 for a 1 minute session and is not included in your Merlin Annual Pass
 
It looks funky, ergonomic and romantic :hearteyecat: @Log Flume's Dennis . Please give me your thoughts as I want to know key details. How do your bum cheeks feel when rubbed against the beautifully carved purple base? How does it compare to being seated inside the best log flume on the planet? Will our beloved Varney be doing any model shoots laying down on it? That's what I want to know.
 
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A better bench
 
Just to congratulate the Bench on its nomination for funniest topic in the years awards.

If it wins I wonder if AT would paint it gold for us, like Royal Mail did with the post boxes after the 2012 Olympics
 
In light of its nomination in the TowersStreet Member Awards, the bench made the following speech on the lawns in front of a gathered press audience this morning:

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"When you think of Alton Towers and awards, you think of Sub Species in its prime. You think of Nemesis being consistently rated as one of the best roller coasters in the world. You think of the Alton Towers Hotel being the best accommodation in the whole of Alton and Farley.

What you don't really consider however are lowly pieces of furniture like me.

I may not be as grand as my grandfathers and their grandfathers before them who welcomed the rears of prestigious Earls many centuries ago. I may not be as comfy as my older brothers who were introduced from 2016 onward (y'know, the ones shaped around the curvature of your sitting position; the really comfy ones on your bottom. Yeah, those ones).

What I am however, is pink.

Very pink.

Bright pink, you might say.

No matter how cramped you may be in the Stargazing Sheds. No matter how appalling your food is when you play the Rollercoaster Restaurant Roulette Wheel of Cuisine Quality. No matter how slow the Wicker Man queue line moves prior to the shop because they've ran out of Flakes, and no matter how many tables are inconveniently removed from the Welcom Inn; I will always be there for you.

To rest your perfectly formed arse upon my hard, pink surface; contemplating the days gone by the park wasn't consistently being shat on by the men in suits in a Poole-based office. To take a moment to relax, whilst waiting for the rest of the group to finish throwing toilet roll over the cubicles at each other outside X Sector. To grab a park map, and gaze upon its inability to provide you with coherent directions from one corner to another; or simply to observe two randy ducks going at it in a nearby bush.

No matter your needs. No matter your woes. No matter your pause from a De Luca chugging marathon at the Tavern. I will always be there for you.

I would like to thank those who nominated me in these prestigious awards. I am all too aware that they come during a harrowing time when we find ourselves asking the most meaningful of questions: will Lech coaster make it to the finals again in the TS European Coaster Poll? Just where exactly will the next set of wonderfully themed loos crop up on EuropaStreet's Toilet Tuesday? And will the Towers Street burger ever find its true owner?

To many I may just look like a bench, and to those people I say:

Fear not;. for this isn't an ordinary bench. This is a vivid, duck excrement bathed and poverty stricken, Alton Towers bench.

Thank you".
Click to expand...

The bench is unable to make any further comments to the press at this time.
 
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