Valhalla.
I like water rides. I am, after all, a goose. Splashing about, getting wet, it's all extremely enjoyable so I was certain that I was going to love this incredibly highly regarded ride... but I didn't get it.
The attendants wouldn't let me swim along, so I waddled into a boat with my partner like everyone else. We were in the second row, in front of us were some Blackpool thoosies, who had clearly ridden the thing more times than I've been fed leftover sandwiches at Towers. They spent the entire journey talking very loudly about any slight change, what differed from its previous incarnation and about what was coming up (I think, they could have been talking about some other ride). Behind us were a mother and a screaming child. I assume she was the mother but I suppose she could have kidnapped the child and that's why it was screaming the entire way round. The mother/kidnapper and child/kidnapee had also ridden Valhalla many times, and so she too was letting the kidnapee (and everyone else) know what was about to happen.
And you know what? Nothing happened. I couldn't see anything, I know it's a dark ride but I'm sure there are supposed to be some effects. There was a little scene all in blue, there was a fire ring at the end, but that was it. I couldn't hear the narration, or the effects, or the story, or even the music. It was all very muffled and low bass sounds. I could hear what I thought was supposed to be happening, or what the others perceived should be happening, but it was just very, very dark and dull. I wouldn't mind but the ride itself was pretty tame and boring too.
We went at the height of summer in August. I asked others who had come off (before and after us), who were drying off in the pub, if all of the effects were working on their runs and they said it was the best they'd seen it operate all season. I went again. It was the same, minus the entertainment from the live abduction and thoosie narration. So yes, I don't get it.