Finally went for the first time this season. I last went in the middle of Scarefest and this is one of the longest periods I've left it between visits.
On one hand, the park had a look and feel about it that was even worse than I expected. It was grey and rainy most of the day which didn't help. I knew Nemesis being closed would be the single biggest blow to my experience but I didn't expect it's absence to shine a light even more on problems that I knew already existed. Operations were generally OK, there weren't any drama's either.
The park just looks so barren, charmless, tatty, cheap and run down. Take Galactica for example. I know it's pretty much opened as it closed last season. But when all else around is quiet, you don't hear Nemesis roaring around and the centrepiece of FV is blocked off, it feels lifeless. You join the queue for a coaster which has no real theme, walk through a queue line where poorly conceived grey paint work on the original rock work is fading, past dirty track, into a dusty dark station with all the screens off and paint flaking off of hand rails to get on a quite dull flyer that gives you a ride through a damp concrete tunnel, around a muddy landscape with a view of a car park.
Once finished, you walk up a stairwell and through a boarded up shop out into a half boarded up area containing a fun fair flat that the you queue for past an old retail unit that's now used for restaurant storage.
After walking past a plain black entrance sign leading to a 43 year old pirate ship that's painted plain brown and bright yellow, you pass a shuttered burger unit, a closed Sky Ride station, a theming object of a ride that's currently not operating and some scaffolding by the entrance of another attraction that hasn't operated for years. Thankfully, you can then get to a newly revived Gloomy Wood, but even that's via another retail unit with the shutters pulled down and beyond that is a Mine Train who's partially obscured façade is the only theming to it (safe from a tunnel exit that's now hidden behind a tall fence with plastic windows in it). You then pass a rapids ride that has almost nothing going for it as it gently meanders around a trough past almost zero theming and through a concrete cave lit with LED's. It has a strange Australian voice in an African "themed" area bigging up excitement that the ride doesn't deliver in any shape or form, and 2 different music tracks (one iconic and classic, the other one ambient and forgettable) competing for your attention whilst playing over each other.
Again, things improve when you get to Mutiny Bay and the Wickerman plaza. But that's before I mention the 2 average coasters and nothing else rattling around a former prehistoric themed area painted grey with a massive scaffolding clad plain wood fence being it's centerpiece, with little atmosphere or theme coherency (unless the terrible state of wood panelled brick theming falling off around the Thirteen station is supposed to deliver this). Or the state of the chipped blue paint that was unceremoniously thrown all over the Walliams World Theatres rotting facade that now acts as a simple queue line for another fun fair flat in a mess of a back street that claims to be a park "area" (who's quite new star attraction is a tiny dark ride complete with a queue line where the wall paper is peeling off the walls). The once foreboding X Sector, containing more metal shutters hiding closed outlets, a boarded up Oblivion shop (as if the terrible state of the queue line for Oblivion in the first place wasn't enough), 2 more funfair flats playing naff rock music with garish lights where permanent installations once stood (1 quite recently) and a slimy queue line for Smiler, which on ride feels like it's vibrating more than it should and someone that morning couldn't even be bothered to turn the volume up for the audio on the second lift hill. Oh and X Sector appears to be a park area that children are all but unwelcome in now as all 4 attractions are now all 1.4m height limits.
Both monorail stations (the less said about the onride experience of the knacked rolling stock the better) are now painted standard purple that looks silly. In a similar vein, Towers Street with primary colours painted over damaged facades and buildings that seem eerily abandoned if you didn't know there were offices behind much of them. Even the "Towers Lounge" sign placed where the Bar and Grill hanging sign used to be is wonky and looks like it's ready to fall down.
I haven't even mentioned the food, which I consider out of bounds now and would have deflated me more. Or the accommodation.
On the other hand, seeing the front lawns, bright green with with all the sun shine and rain we've been having, beautiful trees stood in front of an incredible looking Towers back drop. A quick walk around the top of the fantastic gardens. It still really is a beautiful and precious place. Wickerman is now 5 years old and doesn't appear to be following the trend of the rest of the place remarkably and is mostly keeping up with appearances (although the smoke could do with being turned up). You can't help but enjoy the site of new, fresh B&M track being installed at Towers for the first time in over 2 decades. Although I dislike the journey they're going with it so far, I know an excellent, fresh looking and rejuvenated star of the show will be opening in FV next year and they really want you to know about it. I know NST will open soon to give a shot in the arm to the diminished state of the ride lineup and credit has to be given to what they've done with Alton Manor which was very enjoyable
I suppose some people can be forgiven for feeling positive when trawling through planning documents on the Staffordshire Moorlands planning portal for something which is effectively a park extension. Or when a new head honcho subliminarily agrees that some serious issues exist by consenting to being broadcast on the internet walking around the lawns being told (politely) the park she's just taken on is a bit of a bin. Or just the site of fresh, shiny new B&M track in the car park. It all gives off a feeling of progress and the future, like the current experience isn't what things will be like in the future.
But even if we overlook certain things such as ride availability so far this season, I have to wonder why the park has opened this season like this? Were preparations not made for replacing Enterprise in advance because only 1 person knew it was end of life and they didn't tell anyone? Was the Aramark deal done by a Merlin board member acting as a lone wolf who has now been sacked? Was the procurement department waiting on a new consignment of car sponges and dusters on sticks but the supplier has let them down? Has the thin sheet metal to replace the graffiti'd stuff in the Oblivion queue line failed to arrive 3 times? Did Bob the maintenance guy have a bet with his mates down the pub that he could paint 20 things around the park in the same colour purple before anyone notices? Did the IP contract with David Walliams have an accidental clause in it that stipulates if they fixed up the Walliams World building facades he could sue them? Did a group of park managers get sent out to do their routine morning park walks of audio, effects, every pathway and queue line back in March, got lost in the gardens, haven't been seen since and now there's a search party out looking for them? Is there some sort of religious festival local to Staffordshire that takes place most days which means staff have to be home by 5pm so the park must shut at 4 (not yesterday by the way)?
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. The first coasters I've been on in 7 months so was raring to go and I had excited kids with me. But in the absence of some sunshine, an event, the parks finest attraction and any kind of credible food offering (I didn't even dare to try), yesterday felt like a bit of a low point in terms of my experiences with the park over a 34 year period. And that's saying something as that would have been 2017 beforehand. I know they can't change the weather (and I knew the forecast), I chose a non-event day and Nemesis being closed is for a good reason. But what I'm getting at is if you strip some of this back to the core of what's left, I felt what was on offer wasn't very good, or if the nuts and bolts still are, the presentation and value for money certainly isn't. Other than Alton Manor, I didn't feel compelled to do rerides like normal, despite the short queues, even when the weather dried up. Operations were generally OK and the staff were lovely. Maybe if Hex and the Sky Ride had been open and the food was still edible I may have felt differently? I know if Nemesis was open I would have done my usual last half hour of the day going round and round again until they shut the gates. But I had this feeling that everytime I tapped my bank card on something, they didn't deserve my custom. I was just there because "it's Alton Towers". It still has the same name as when I was a kid. It still has that location, that back drop, that stature.
Promises of posh new developments and change is in the air. But so much regression. It was an exciting time when Nemesis opened back in 1994. It felt like a new standard had been set - bright, exciting new era for the park. 30 years later and it's re-opening feels more like a Swansong. A love letter to the past. The final encore. The great finale.
Superb, I wouldn’t change a single word if I was writing it myself.
Does the park feel better than 10 years ago? No.
Is it line with equivalent parks in Europe and the US? No
Wether it’s the weather, the lack of a long term plan or general inability to run a theme park well. The place just looks and hence feels tired, worn and far far past it’s best.
The inevitable yearly over marketed, head office garbage fire they are unloading onto the place, with no long term planning. No investment outside the initial hardware. No asset management has gone on and on and on.
I arrive at the park and grumble at the crap roads and badly laid/lit pathways. In no way traversable for families with prams etc (walking behind nemesis/duel behind a plastic link fence in the mud is crap.
Or become frustrated at the overpainted mural in the monorail, the mish mash of paths. The tired and worn golf (needs a cover) Then remain equally bemused in the 1980s monorail station, with it’s farcical loading procedure and trains which were past it 15 years ago.
Arrive at the main entrance to a bizarre set of screens that don’t work and toilets full of cobwebs and dirt. Enter to see the lack of cash points, the calamitous queue for the inevitable RAP carnage that awaits.
See the tired facades of towers street, unoriginal and uninspiring TST, that makes Woolworths feel like an Apple Store. Or the awful, pointless wallet emptying box office, the cash point alternative…
Find no decent place to grab some food, but there is a teachers lounge…which looks like something from Grange Hill in the 70s. A perfect location for a premium food offering, overlooked in the name of a race to the bottom.
But at least the fountains work…
Feel immersed in mutiny bay to the sound of games machines and the waft of donuts. Sadly a quick walk around Sharkbait still remains a highlight in most visits. And probably the best filler attraction on park.
Wicker man remains the best thing the park have put in for 20 years. The only thing in the same conversation with what was Nemesis. A damning indictment of asset planning.
Enter Katanga canyon and try and see some boats, peering over the 30ft high fences. As though people’s willingness to jump them has changed in the past 10 years. It looks and feels awful.
Walk past a hut now filled with drinks machines? Joy
The RMT, again made worse by the removal of head choppers and the ridiculous games stall. The rapids, waterfall-less, wave less. Charm-less. All in yellow boats. Again worse.
Gloomy Wood & TCAAM are a back to being a genuine highlight. How long will it stay working? 1 season? 2? MMM should be immensely proud and demand long term creative control over other areas but I’m afraid operations will let them down. Them assessing the “quality” of all the experiences at Alton would be a worthwhile exercise.
Past another hut, I assume shuttered or awful?
FV, tired theming. Failing music. An arcade that really is past its use by date now. All of them are. Walk past a terrible closed attraction which I’m willing to bet has had no meaningful change to make it significantly better sadly. It needed 500k spending on it (graphics/lighting/story/animatronic or effects in the pit) I live in hope. Get this right and things may of turned a corner.
See the closed food outlets in FV, skyride still shut terrible flat ride and galactica…well…it feels worse than air. To look at, experience. It’s worse. I’d rather they kept air. Tidied it up and maybe added some smoke or water effects externally. “Plussing” rides is what Alton needs, instead they all go backwards. And yes you can’t market “plussing” short term, but long term you don’t have a crap product and crap reviews.
Leaving over the valley see the under-utilised conservatory, rotting Swiss Cottage and overgrown gardens. It’s a state. Again worse than 10-15 years ago. Criminally underused.
Head in to the towers, if you can, find another woefully under used asset. No history like Warwick castle, another possible attraction, left to rot. Hex won’t be open, but then would you want to see the crap projector, failing effects, terrible audio and failing ride system?
A trip to dark forest and scaffolding land awaits, a mish mash of garish themes, no filler rides and an overall dead area. Despite allegedly big rides. Again ride thirteen with it’s farcical operational procedure and crumbling station. There’s no shop anymore. If you’re lucky you could get some overpriced terrible food with nowhere to sit.
On the way out why not stop at woodcutters to enjoy some food even Wetherspoons would be embarrassed to serve? If I was Alton management I’d get in my car, drive into Alton village and plead for the team at Alton Bridge pub to come and run a new restaurant in the Swiss Cottage. Whatever it costs.
Perhaps pay to go on the dungeons ride, or did you think you paid on entry to go on the rides? We’ll think again. Another ride worse the CATCF which itself was worse than Toyland Tours (notice a theme)
Enter Walliams land, and see the already deserted GG. Again, somehow still a highlight of recent trips. With its peeling walls, leaking roof and wooden airgates…a area which isn’t as good as Cred St and arguably CCL. A driving school in an awful place, in a area that feels like the back end of and abandoned shopping centre. Aimless, pointless, soulless.
Meanwhile Peppa Pig World and Thomas Land are printing money. And good for them as Alton’s offering is garbage.
Walk round to X Sector, past the terrible Smiler queue. Narrow path, ruining an iconic view. See more games and arcades. Enter the oblivion queue and admire the ruins…again a ride which is/feels worse than it was 10 years ago. Operationally a state. Tired trains and it shows.
You could always go into the brutalist b&q that is the smiler. An attraction falling to bits in front of your very eyes. Figuratively and literally. An awful place to be in every sense of the word.
Then there’s spinball, a guaranteed family/thrill good time. Stripped of its fun soundtrack, filled with tired surroundings and I assume the queue line games still.
If you’re lucky you can rid the rides 11am till 3pm. May be stop in the hotels for £550 a night…
The place has lot it’s way. If it wasn’t for fireworks year before last I don’t think I’d be rushing back. The events have been the only thing keeping the place ticking over. I’m afraid, still, the place needs some new people/ideas/principles as currently it’s been let down, for a long time. And the business model has caught up with it.
The strive for excellence is just words. It needs to go back to basics, and reassess what the place is.
Aiming to be the best theme park in the UK/Europe? Because at the moment it’s not even in the conversation, which is a very very sad place to be.
The park is lost between a theme park and amusement park, that’s badly run with a business model that wants to pretend it’s Disney with none of the principles, investment or strategy. They know what good looks like, it’s Disney or Europa Park. See how Alton and EPs numbers diverged in the 00s. Quality of quantity all day. When your maintenance is light years behind a provincial, regional family park. You’ve got a very steep hill to climb.
