Surreal news articles

[Skyscraper]

Police have apprehended a thief who stole 200,000 creme eggs

Man who stole 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs convicted

The 32-year-old surrenders to police with his hands up, a court hears.

www.bbc.co.uk

Yes, he'll have been eggstremely disappointed to have been caught.

 

[Thameslink Rail]

This crime is no yolk, he should have had a crack team behind him.

 

[NuttySquirrel]

Well these are better puns than the BBC came up with!

 

[JAperson]

Well these are better puns than the BBC came up with!

The BBC did an eggcellent job but I'm afraid they didn't quite crack it.

 

[Jonathan]

My own record is only 2 mph lower, so it's doable!!

I'd trust you have a legitimate reason for that. Not saying it's wrong as such, for the record!

 

[pluk]

I'd trust you have a legitimate reason for that. Not saying it's wrong as such, for the record!

Oh yes, all safe and legal!

 

[Rick]

BBC News - US cancer patient developed 'uncontrollable' Irish accent

US cancer patient developed 'uncontrollable' Irish accent

Despite never having been to Ireland, the North Carolina man spoke with a "brogue" until his death, say researchers.

www.bbc.co.uk

 

[Plastic Person]

Respect to the above patient for really committing to the bit, even in the direst of personal circumstances.

 

[RyanUK]

Not exactly news, but 2023’s most disturbing tweet just emerged.


From: https://twitter.com/mikeycycling/status/1621917045527814146?s=61&t=4Fr9loEIn4pn0CaDKFbP9g


I hate this prick and the BBC are to blind to reprimand Jeremy Vine who regularly tweets him in support.

 

[Shaggy_Dog_]

Not exactly news, but 2023’s most disturbing tweet just emerged.


From: https://twitter.com/mikeycycling/status/1621917045527814146?s=61&t=4Fr9loEIn4pn0CaDKFbP9g


I hate this prick and the BBC are to blind to reprimand Jeremy Vine who regularly tweets him in support.

Absolutely no idea who that “Cycling Mikey” is and absolutely no desire to find out either. Sounds like an attention seeker.

 

[RyanUK]

Absolutely no idea who that “Cycling Mikey” is and absolutely no desire to find out either. Sounds like an attention seeker.

Good idea, he’s trouble.

 

[rob666]

He amuses the hell out of me.
Nothing wrong with giving mobile using drivers a bit of grief, and if you ignore compulsory road instruction signs, you deserve all you get.
He isn't trouble, the lawbreakers are trouble.
He has had massive support from the road safety lobby.
The pricks are the ones breaking the law, the mobile phone users who think they do not deserve their six points.

 

[BarryZola]

I like him too. He's got some balls, but one day he'll run into a proper nutter and get more than he bargained for. His father was killed by a drunk driver, so I think it winds him up when people don't drive properly.

 

[Shaggy_Dog_]

Man accused of causing unnecessary suffering to wild bird in alleged attack

David Lee will stand trial at South Tyneside Magistrates' Court after pleading not guilty to the charge

www.chroniclelive.co.uk

My word, at what point would you look at a wild bird and then decide to take it and do *that* with it?

 

[rob666]

Not as amusing as the bloke who was done for shagging a horse...
He blamed the railways operators, if the train hadn't stopped between stations, the passengers would not have spotted him doing the dirty deed between the stables.
The fact was not allowed in mitigation for sentencing.
True story from about a decade ago, often repeated by me in discussions on the rail operations.
Muffin the mule remains a serious offence.

 

[Alsty]

Bolton announce their new sponsor. The stadium is to be rebranded the Toughsheet Community Stadium

‘Don’t like it, it’s Toughsheet’: Bolton announce new stadium sponsor

League One promotion hopefuls Bolton will be playing at the Toughsheet Community Stadium for the next five years

www.theguardian.com

 

[Thameslink Rail]

'Oldest Roman sex toy' found at Hadrian's Wall
The 6.2-inch long wooden phallus, which was found at a fort site 30 years ago, may have had a salacious use, say scientists

'Oldest Roman sex toy' found at Hadrian's Wall

The 6.2-inch long wooden phallus, which was found at a fort site 30 years ago, may have had a salacious use, say scientists

www.telegraph.co.uk

Presumably we're all thinking of Biggus Dickus from Monty Python.

 

[Jonathan]

Presumably we're all thinking of Biggus Dickus from Monty Python.

He has a wife, you know. Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.

 

[NuttySquirrel]

'Oldest Roman sex toy' found at Hadrian's Wall
The 6.2-inch long wooden phallus, which was found at a fort site 30 years ago, may have had a salacious use, say scientists

'Oldest Roman sex toy' found at Hadrian's Wall

The 6.2-inch long wooden phallus, which was found at a fort site 30 years ago, may have had a salacious use, say scientists

www.telegraph.co.uk

Presumably we're all thinking of Biggus Dickus from Monty Python.

Probably a good thing these things are no longer made of wood. Imagine the splintering...

 

[Jonathan]

Footage shows police arresting man who hit guard with giant blue dildo

An eyewitness said he spotted the man 'brandishing a phallic object'

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk

Erm...