When I was about your age (19 to my early 20's to be precise) I was very ill and had to learn how to deal with this. As I said before, I'm not autistic like you guys but I absolutely empathise that it's hard to fit in when you're wired up differently and have tendencies to behave differently to others in spontaneous situations.
Because I found it hard to control, I lost contact with every "friend" I had who all concluded I was too much hard work and wierd. I'm not saying it was a completely healthy thing to do, but after that experience I've spent most of my adult life with my defenses up and constantly looking over my shoulder, trusting no one and seeing everyone as a threat.
What is healthy though, and I would strongly advise this, I stopped caring about whether others liked me or not. I care very much about offending people and I don't expect others to live their lives around me, but I don't want to be "normal" because I don't think it matters. My brother is autistic and as I'm getting ready for work at the moment, my partner is currently looking after an autistic child downstairs (who's extremely cute) and it's part of who they are. As long as your heart is in the right place (and I know yours firmly is Matt), if someone gets upset over your differences, who really has the problem? Is it you being you or is it them being intolerant and shallow?
Don't let any condition hold back the talent and intelligence you have. I see you apologising alot on here (when you really don't need to) and I can only think of one time you ever upset me and I had to have a word with myself as I can see it wasn't done purposely, it was me with the problem for not reading into it what it was. There's rules of politeness and offensivness but sometimes it's just other people who have the real problem. Don't try and be liked, try and be respected. If someone tolerant and respectful enough to like you then they're probably not worth seeking approval from anyway.
I guess I’ve just found it difficult, and even though I don’t personally identify with some social conventions, I’ve always felt the need to try and “be normal”. This is because even though the vast majority of people have been nothing but nice to me, I have had plenty of people make fun of me over the years, and I’ve always felt like the “odd one out”.
When I was in primary school, I was the kid who sat on his own in the playground and talked to himself instead of playing with the other kids, and that attracted a fair bit of fun-making from other students (oddly, it was always kids younger than me…), with kids chasing me trying to trip me up on the playground, or doing mocking impressions of me.
When I was in secondary and sixth form, I never felt entirely normal either, in spite of everyone being perfectly nice to me (I’ll admit I always worried that everyone actually hated me, and was just being nice to me to make me feel included, which is lovely in itself in fairness!).
When I was in about Year 8, I overheard a group of girls daring each other to ask me on a date. Not because any of them actually wanted to date me, but because I was the weird kid and they wanted to see my reaction, as well as seeing me as someone none of them would ever actually want to date. When one of them actually did, I’d already overheard this conversation, and I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond, so I got kind of overwhelmed and cried. Said girls then berated me for crying and told me I needed to “be a man”. There was also the time I got pushed into a wall by a kid in the year below in Year 9 (he was much bigger than me, though; I’ve never been particularly tall or particularly well-built), as well as the time I got sarcastically wolf-whistled on the playground by some younger boys when I was in Year 12 (I didn’t initially know it was sarcasm, so I said “Umm… thank you!” when they said “You’re very cute, aren’t you?”. I didn’t establish it was sarcasm until I heard them laughing as they walked away, and saying about how I “so fell for it”). In general, I’ve also heard people making jokes about and doing mocking impressions of autistic people, and I’ve always taken it quite personally.
These are all perfectly nice people, though, so I know I’m being too sensitive, and I need to learn to take a joke better. It hurt me at the time, but I never told anyone about any of these because I know I was just being far too sensitive, and I didn’t want to ruin their fun; they were clearly enjoying themselves doing it, so why should I ruin that for them? Besides, I was always told growing up that no one likes a tattle-tale… I often find that taking these things on the chin and thinking about them alone is easier, and to be honest, I’m sure these people meant well and I probably just took what they did too personally.
It doesn’t help, either, that when I was at school, I had to go to Annual Review meetings once a year, where my school’s SEN team and my parents would basically discuss how to make me more normal and manage my autistic tendencies within the school environment. While I know these meant well, I’ll admit they weren’t the nicest for me to sit through, and they did make me feel like I was odd, and was somebody that needed “correcting”.
Sorry about that… I just thought it might provide some insight as to why I’ve always been afraid of not looking “normal”. I know I’m probably being far too sensitive, as all these people are really nice people and I’m sure they meant well; I just need to take a joke better. I’ll admit I am scared about starting university on Monday, as I’m scared about coming across weird to my new peers.
