Well, I thought when I posted this I was the only one awake (I rarely sleep before 3am). I didn't want to say as this is a thread about Autism and I didn't want to make it about me as it isn't. But I was only diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 with BPD at the age of 36. MH services within the NHS are so limited, it took things to get pretty bad to be able to get this diagnosis as Consultant Psychologists are very rare (a messy story involving finding myself 7 miles from home but it's quite embarrassing and I'm ashamed of it).
I've always been told by bosses at work and my parents to hide my behaviours as to not show "weakness" to others. I hide my obsessions (there are many) from others, including my own children and even my partner who understands and has seen me in states no one else has. I love her such much, she's the only person who has never rejected my diffences and probably the person who has come close to seeing the everything there is about me and even then I still hide loads from her as I don't want her seeing me as abnormal in case she rejects me.
I hide the Bipolar in particular because as soon as I hear anyone try and articulate what they think it is, the common misconception is that it's just a simple case of mood swings. I can tell you that really really really couldn't be further from the truth.
I'm quite sensory. I crave certain sensations and despise others. I know it sounds strange but I love the feeling of weight on me like my weighted blanket, or even one of my kids laying on me but I can't stand the thought of being trapped. I despise loud noises that I can't control but I don't mind those that do control if that makes sense?
I hate social situations unless I'm in control of them. If I'm on a hyper phase, I can appear over talkative, confident, controlling and genuinely a bit of an ass hole. When I'm weak however I'm incredibly withdrawn, frightened, vulnerable, clumsy and I panic and make really erratic decisions. I call it the "get the hell out of there" where I'm almost in complete desperation to find a metaphorical exit from the situation. I cope with this by counting down the hours until bed time, shutting the world away by taking long lonely drives as that's where I feel safe or if it's something I really can't avoid I make excuses and hide somewhere until I gain regain control. I think I'm mostly good at hiding this but surely some people who spend time with me notice.
I have the ability to push bad things to the back of my head. When I'm in a bad way, I'm really bad and I can't be snapped out of it and brought back to earth. My partner is the only person in the world who knows how to handle this. She sometimes tells me what it was like and I almost have a mind blank as if it never happened. She's had conversations with me before and I haven't remembered a word with it because I've sub consciously blocked it out to protect myself. She says it's like I've been possessed and can sometimes frighten her but she's seen patterns thankfully and can handle them quite well.
I'm usually miles away in my own head. I tend to see things that others don't see. Little details that other miss. This can also be a strength as it's actually helped me in my career. I often get asked how I noticed something that others couldn't and I honestly can't answer, it was staring me in the face but no one else could see it. The down side to that is I often "miss the point". People are going one way and I just don't seem to get it? Why would they do that? it seems quite simple to me, why are we fluffing around with this? What's the point? This can make me appear negative and not a team player but it's genuinely because I don't understand.
I also look constantly for a "happy place". Even if this is trivial, I can be happy doing something, often completely alone (I like being on my own). I've been been to Alton Towers on my own a few times despite it being a 6 hour round trip and I've loved it.
I guess I just never seem to know which person I'm going to be in the morning. Sometimes that scares me. Sorry if I'm boring anyone by the way, I'm just in a bit of a wierd mood tonight and have a lot going through my mind.
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A chat about what I'm thinking for my next tattoo certainly helped as well, though that did come a while later after I'd calmed down, and the exact idea didn't come until after I'd got home, but that's not the point. My mind ended up focused on something else for a while, which is the more important thing.
