Hello,
I created a second account, because I don't feel like using my normal one to post this one message.
Although this sounds all melodramatic, I don't like explaining my problems in detail to anyone and usually I belittle them and come across as fine and dandy, I tend to cling on to the happy things in life so whenever I'm with friends, I don't feel nearly as depressed or down, so never want to talk about it..
I tend to even talk to myself at times, going over previous conversations in my memory figuring out what I could said to express these emotions, or how I could of made my life better by asking this or that.
I've never wanted to admit to being depressed, even with this fake account I'm finding it difficult to say because I feel as if I'm handling this problem to dramatic. I don't think my family knows about how I feel, I doubt my friends really pick up on it. I've never really told any one and have just kept it behind closed bars, I've attempted explain why I've been feeling down every know and again, but as said above I don't go in to detail and belittle how I really feel, I realised how down I feel today when I came to the conclusion, I don't want to wake up, I would rather sleep most days of the week, so I can only wake up for the small points in my life when I can enjoy myself and push the feelings of depression back temporarily.
My self-esteem is so low. I feel like my very close friend must tire of my presence, get annoyed by my presence and at times hate my presence, I don't think I've got any reason to think so, I just assume, I have developed feelings for said friend which makes all the above exaggerated, and am afraid to tell them how I really feel, I feel as if she can do much better, and deserves the best, I'm not interested in looking at other relationships just in case they have a slight feeling for me, not that I feel like I could get in a relationship easily.
I've had a couple of deaths in the family this last year, which is making my fear that anyone close to me (more specifically the close friend above) will die, I'm not sure how I will be able to cope if anything happens to them.
I don't know where I'm going in my life, I have a rough goal but the motivation is fading the more and more I feel like this.
The methods I use to make myself feel better, to relieve tension seem to work less and less every time I attempt them and while I try to diagnose the specific things that make me feel this way, I can never get it right.
I do sometimes feel as Sam says "destined to be unhappy" I will often hate myself. I wish my personality would change, I wish I could change. Simple things, like the ability to express my feelings, the ability to talk to people about how I feel, the ability to tell my friend how I feel about them. I can't seem to do it, I feel pathetic. I know this is impossible but I wish I could start everything all over again, I can then feel like I can avoid all the stupid mistakes I've made.
Although I sometimes hate myself, I've never thought about suicide as an option, nor something I would want to do, so don't worry about that.
I'm unsure how much this fake account malarkey will work by making me feel better, but it's worth a shot.
I know team members could probably find out who I am and fake/double accounts are usually discouraged, but I would prefer if I stayed anonymous if that's not to much to ask. I will most likely never use this account ever again after this.
