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The I Feel Down Topic.

I don't know how much longer I can go on without knowing where I'm going to be living this summer. I'm going to visit yet another place next week in Staffordshire (previous visits to Doncaster and Teignmouth have been unsuccessful), and I sincerely hope that it does go to plan and that we are invited to go there. This, coupled to the fact that I've been (probably) overthinking my past failures over the past few days, has resulted in me having very little motivation to do anything worthwhile. Also, my sleeping patterns are completely screwed - I didn't wake up until 4pm yesterday (Saturday). I've been struggling to cope with it all, and have been tempted to drink too much alcohol for my own good several times, but I've managed to resist that somehow. I just hope for the sake of my sanity that by this time next week, I'll know whether or not I'll be moving to Staffordshire. That way, I hope that things will get better for me.
 
Let's join the party!

Everyone knows my life story. This topic is my home (well, it may as well be) but it just feels like another councelling session, except I feel better every time. This really needs to get off my chest to people I trust, not people who drag me to hospital and refer me back to my mental health place thingymajiggy.

So like, I've typed up this essay, and I mentioned where I feel.. 'different'.


I miss someone so much. I can't throw away what little chance I have of making some right of it. Said person means so much to me. I'd do anything for them to be back. I want to make them so happy for making me happy. There could be some chance of making things better as people tell me, but I don't know what to think.

But I don't care for them. At all. They were right to leave whilst they could. Good on them. Stuff them. Who needs them?


On the internet I'm a reasonably content person. Never actually happy, but not usually down. I'll have a laugh, look forward to interacting and enjoy talking to my favourite people on Skype, feeling like there is something worthwhile.

Then you flick back to home and school life. I want to be dead. Eveyone around me deserves to suffer. I want them to. They don't care for anything except their reputation. I wouldn't even care if this whole place just suddenly burst into flames, I want it to.

So when I first started typing this, I felt like 'Panda', just a little confused. Up at this paragraph, I feel like 'Georgia'. I want to destroy myself. Every time something good happens, it'll ALWAYS end up into something bad. Name anything. The only good thing in my life are my friends. I know that. Panda knows that. Georgia doubts herself, but knows inside that she needs them more than anything.
So, Panda has slight optimism. Maybe today won't be as bad as yesterday? I could have a good conversation with someone later. Perhaps I should go out and turn myself around? (Haha, I feel like Panda again.)
Then I remember. Everything in the past. My darkest times flash back. Then I hate everything. I stay in my room as I'm too scared to venture out. Forget school. Why should I face a bunch of people who bitch about me and others who make things much worse for me? They can all rot in a sewer for all I care. (It was difficult remembering what Georgia is like, as I feel like Panda.)

So.. can someone tell me who I actually am? Like.. I don't even know?! At all?! I have never felt more terrified to write that up than before in my entire life. I'm REALLY confused right now, so I probably don't make sense.
 
Georgia you make perfect sense in your last post.

You are like Panda to us I suppose and I think Panda is the real Georgia. The Georgia used around others (i.e. at school) is the not-real Georgia. You use the front around them as they are absolute twats to you so they don't deserve to see the real Georgia.

Do I make even a miniscule bit of sense? Probably not but what you are really like is a good person (The Panda side of you) so don't let others think you aren't!
 
my faithful Rabbit passed away yesterday. I've had her for just under 10 years, so she's done very well and has survived well beyond the expected amount for a rabbit.

I discovered her last night, some strange inkling told me to check up on her before I went out to the pub. So it was a sort of weird feeling I had which made me check up on her.

Shes been an amazing friend and compadre over the years, and the best possible rabbit I could have wanted. She seemed to be happy living with us over the many years, very human friendly, a rabbit who wouldn't run and hide when you approached, she would actively hop up to you. And although the passed couple years her movement and activity were in decline and she would just be content in sitting in her hutch all day/night. She would still get up when you approached for a stroke and to lick your hand.

I remember when she was younger and more active she used to adventure around the garden, and I was the only one who could easily get her back in her hutch, infact I used to have to just give her a hug and nudge her in the right direction, and she would casually hop back to her run and sit by the door where she would take a treat from my hand and settle back in her hutch/run for the night.

I knew she was happy with us, she escaped our garden a couple times, but would always come back, she never ran away or tried to run away.

She meant a lot to me, and as silly and melodramatic as it sounds I'm actually very upset about losing her, she was a friend and a member of the family and I do honestly feel as if there is a big hole where she was. 9-10 years is a long time to get attached to an animal, especially one like my rabbit.

I will miss her very much. And I'm glad she lived a long happy life, even if it did drag on for the last couple of the years.
 
Matt I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your rabbit. It's completely fine to feel sad about losing someone who acted like a best friend to you. Hope you're okay =)
 
Sam said:
It really annoys me that due to my anti-depressants, I find it really difficult to read a book without falling asleep. They just make me so tired all the time. Today I tried to read in bed, but fell asleep by accident after an hour, and felt awful when I woke up two hours later. I love reading, but now I have to listen to audiobooks and go walk the streets or purposefully sit in an uncomfortable chair. Sorry, this isn't really a major thing, but something that got me down a bit today.
Click to expand...

Have you tried perhaps reading in short spurts? Try reading in 15-30 minute blocks. While of course this is not as enjoyable as being able to sit and read for an hour or more, by having short reads you can still have moments of enjoyment while not nodding off and feeling down. May be try reading for, say, 20 minutes, then do an activity that keeps you feeling awake, then go back and read another 20 minutes.

I understand how tired anti-depressants can get you, so I'd recommend trying the above and see if that works. :)
 
James said:
Sam said:
It really annoys me that due to my anti-depressants, I find it really difficult to read a book without falling asleep. They just make me so tired all the time. Today I tried to read in bed, but fell asleep by accident after an hour, and felt awful when I woke up two hours later. I love reading, but now I have to listen to audiobooks and go walk the streets or purposefully sit in an uncomfortable chair. Sorry, this isn't really a major thing, but something that got me down a bit today.
Click to expand...

Have you tried perhaps reading in short spurts? Try reading in 15-30 minute blocks. While of course this is not as enjoyable as being able to sit and read for an hour or more, by having short reads you can still have moments of enjoyment while not nodding off and feeling down. May be try reading for, say, 20 minutes, then do an activity that keeps you feeling awake, then go back and read another 20 minutes.

I understand how tired anti-depressants can get you, so I'd recommend trying the above and see if that works. :)
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Or listening to music whilst reading? It can take a while to get used to it but my new commute has made it almost a necessity.
 
Really rather low at the monument. I'm not really to sure why, I normally know :(
 
I really hate myself right now. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I had more self-control. I mean, I said to myself that I wouldn't speak to either of you ever again, and I've failed after a miserable three days. Knowing you is toxic. It's poison to me. You're slowly killing me. But I can't resist, you're intoxicating. I just wish I had more strength, and not to let you just completely control me, use me for whatever you like, have me wrapped around your little finger. You've got everything now. And still I can't resist. Every time you screw me over, I vow that THIS will be the time when I will stop complying, when I will resist. When I will think about myself for once. But it never lasts, it never lasts...
 
Sam said:
I really hate myself right now. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I had more self-control. I mean, I said to myself that I wouldn't speak to either of you ever again, and I've failed after a miserable three days. Knowing you is toxic. It's poison to me. You're slowly killing me. But I can't resist, you're intoxicating. I just wish I had more strength, and not to let you just completely control me, use me for whatever you like, have me wrapped around your little finger. You've got everything now. And still I can't resist. Every time you screw me over, I vow that THIS will be the time when I will stop complying, when I will resist. When I will think about myself for once. But it never lasts, it never lasts...
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I'd retweet that if it was in the character count!
 
I'm patting at the walls of a darkened room desperately trying to find a door, it's frustrating and alarming, and it doesn't help that I keep tripping on the remnants of dreams well past their sell by date. They make me look back, but all of it plays like fiction. Did that really happen? Or is this a coma? It must be. It would explain why the routine is hazy and days indistinguishable, and why the only consistency is misery and self-destruction. My computer flickers and fills with global distress, so I'll indulge in self-righteous anger. It's the only thing that distracts, the only thing that isn't sadness. But in this saviour is a poison as I'm now addicted to passion and intoxicated by scrolling news. So now this dark room isn't so lonely, but it's inhabited by monsters that haunt my every thought. I want to fight them but how can I when I'm stuck alone in this place? Now I claw at the walls, as even my anger turns to fear. I still haven't found the door, and I don't think I ever will. What kind of defective person would find themselves lost here? Sometimes through the dark, I catch a glimpse of myself in one of the many mirrors I keep stumbling upon. It sickens me. No pity nor mercy should befall this pathetic creature that is handed everything but is still incapable of finding that door, he's just wallowing in ruined opportunities and how his actions have disappointed everyone that invested care into him. Sometimes I wish that no reality existed, no injustice, no suffering, no me to be perpetually trapped. Maybe nothing, an endless oblivion, is sometimes better than something.
 
So the basis of this entire thing turns out to be one person's fear of making me moody or emotional, so they've changed their behaviour for the sole purpose of keeping me sweet. I feel deceived in some way, embarrassed that I couldn't be more approachable when that person had a problem to discuss, and possibly more insecure than I've ever felt in my life. It doesn't help that they're a crap communicator so expecting little things to be said to put me at ease just isn't an option. I feel a total idiot for being so blissfully unaware the whole time.

I don't know when I'm even doing right, I just feel like I'm always doing wrong.
 
Bear said:
So the basis of this entire thing turns out to be one person's fear of making me moody or emotional, so they've changed their behaviour for the sole purpose of keeping me sweet. I feel deceived in some way, embarrassed that I couldn't be more approachable when that person had a problem to discuss, and possibly more insecure than I've ever felt in my life. It doesn't help that they're a crap communicator so expecting little things to be said to put me at ease just isn't an option. I feel a total idiot for being so blissfully unaware the whole time.

I don't know when I'm even doing right, I just feel like I'm always doing wrong.
Click to expand...

Bear, use this time to focus on being a better communicator of your emotions. Remember, communication is two ways, if the people involved we know inside we care for, then how we communicate and relate to each other is often a mirror of experiences we have had through our life. They were before though, the more you chat, understand how these breakdowns occur, the better placed you are to improve them.

True relationships/friendships, are that built upon an understanding we aren't perfect, and trying to work ways around our natural imperfection, to produce bonds that facilitate growing our friendships stronger.

Mutual understanding, improving, valuing, caring, communicating openly yet with compassion and a realisation that sh.. happens ;) will help.

A door of communication that was closed, is now open, don't allow insecurity or perhaps guilt/embarrassment to let it slip shut again.

How we feel about a situation, isn't always a perfect reflection of what is actually happening, the same as to our anticipation or thoughts as to how others may feel towards us. Best to nurture an environment where you can talk frankly, honestly, yet calmly with a mutual understanding that it is for the betterment of your friendship/relationship whatever it may be - because you deeply care for the person involved.

Let's face it, if you didn't care deeply about this issue, you wouldn't be taking the time to feel bad and post here about it.

Compassion is where it begins, you clearly have plenty of that.

It's very late at night I hope that makes sense, you've been nothing but welcoming to me on here Bear, I hope you feel better in yourself soon, and if any of my ramblings help then great, but as ever, it is only my opinion/attempt at being a mate lol!!

:)
 
It is January, guys! Always a sombre month where nobody does much, nobody wants to spend money etc.

Feb is coming!

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2
 
I am feeling really, really low.

I have about 10 friends, although, on the plus side, I am starting to make more, but they all live in Uttoxeter, I live in Stoke, so only get to see them when I go to the ice rink each week. The others I also only see once a week when we go to the ice hockey, some live in Manchester, others work full time, one has a baby so don't get to see her much, although it's a highlight when I do.

I can't get a job, but that's irrelevant because there's loads of people in that position.

I've lost a few good friends these past 2 years, feel like it must be me, I must be this horrible person, and just never saw it.

The 2 good things in my life right now are learning to figure skate, and watching ice hockey. That's it.

I just feel like I used to when I was being bullied in school - like I don't matter to anyone and I just want to get on a plane and fly away from my life, because I've got nothing right now. This IS better than school days though - back then I was near to ending it all on various occasions.

I seriously think I've got depression or something, that went unnoticed from all the nonsense at school, and that scares me. I can't talk to my parents about it, my mum's a nurse and she'd say there was nothing wrong.

I don't have "great" days any more, I just amble along, good days are few and far between at the moment and I seriously don't know what to do.
 
Seriously, as someone that lives with someone with mental illness, get help. Go to your doctor or somewhere. People notice these things, even if you don't think they do. They might notice it but not know how to how to approach the subject with you. Your friends might have noticed and not known how to deal with it properly. How do you know your mum would dismiss it? Talk to her, she might have noticed something but not known properly.

I know how you feel with regards to friends, but treasure those that you have. Make the most of the time you have with them.

Seriously, get yourself to the doctors and get checked out.
 
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