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Lightwater Valley

Quite a funny article about the new dinosaur mascot for this season

Meet Rex​

A long time ago, in a land far, far away but still accessible from Leeds/Bradford airport via Amsterdam, a dinosaur was born.

His mum and dad called him Rex because all the proper dinosaur-y names like Dino and Roary and Barney and Stormzy and Micropachycephal had already been taken.

From the day he was born, Rex was different from the others. He wasn’t interested in playing with the other kids or strolling through the forest, doing the occasional poo and auditioning for Steven Spielberg’s next Jurassic movie – no, instead he liked to eat PEOPLE!

Sadly, 66 million years ago there weren’t any people, so Rex had to make do with lizards, turtles, insects and a plant-based diet that he’d read about on Gwyneth Paltrow’s website.

One day Rex was sitting around, watching CBeebies and wondering how long it would be before people were invented. He got a WhatsApp message from his cousin Ebor, who identified as a dragon and had escaped to a land even further away, along with his dinosaur relatives Jester and Jasmine – yes, we already told you that all the proper dinosaur names had been taken!

“Come over here and live with us”, Ebor messaged, along with emojis of a champagne bottle, a fillet steak and a stegosaurus. “It’s great! There’s so much to see and do and no plant-based diets. And there’s PEOPLE!”

Luckily, Rex had learned to fly so he didn’t have to worry about how much Jet2 charged for hold luggage.

He set off to see his relations far, far away. It was a lot further away than he had imagined and took a very, very long time but he found Google Maps to be helpful. He made a couple of stop-overs, mainly to do the occasional poo and to buy a gift of a huge Toblerone bar for Ebor.

A mere 66 million years later, Rex arrived. He was very tired but he couldn’t wait to see Ebor, Jester and Jasmine. He wasn’t really sure where he was but he knew it was called Lightwater Valley Adventure Park and it was the most magical, wonderful place he had ever seen. There were PEOPLE everywhere and Rex couldn’t wait to start eating them!

“We shall call you Rex the Valleysaurus”, said Ebor, who was an expert in brand marketing. “When’s feeding time?” Rex asked his cousins. “Not sure. I’m just trying to work out what to do with this huge Toblerone bar!”, Ebor replied. Just then, the Park’s boss called out “Meet and Eat time, guys!”

Rex followed the others as they went to an area of the Park where there were lots of PEOPLE all staring at them. “Yum”, thought Rex.

So watch out if you’re a PEOPLE – Rex is coming for you….​

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Relife said:
I'm genuinely baffled as to why Brighton Pier group bought the park only to strip it of all it's teaming good rides and offer paltry investment year on year. I'd be amazed if it's still around in the next 5 years
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We were saying that a decade ago, when they finally got planning permission for the limited development of the holiday village, but built absolutely nothing.
With no major new attractions for a decade, the writing was on the wall back then.
 
I refuse to believe that Article is actually official and not some April Fools joke. At first, I really wanted the park to survive, but after recent events such as the many rides removed, then this article that sounds like it's from a fanfiction, yeah, please fail. Lightwater Valley doesn't deserve this.
 
Trooper Looper said:
I refuse to believe that Article is actually official and not some April Fools joke. At first, I really wanted the park to survive, but after recent events such as the many rides removed, then this article that sounds like it's from a fanfiction, yeah, please fail. Lightwater Valley doesn't deserve this.
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Even if the park is not for me, I am not sure I would be wishing for its demise and the job losses that would come with it.
 
Trooper Looper said:
I refuse to believe that Article is actually official and not some April Fools joke. At first, I really wanted the park to survive, but after recent events such as the many rides removed, then this article that sounds like it's from a fanfiction, yeah, please fail. Lightwater Valley doesn't deserve this.
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I don’t want the see the park fail but I’d love to see it sold to a group that really can make a go of things, it’s a lovely site for a theme park. My concern when Brighton Pier Group took over was that they were just going to transition it in to the equivalent of a seaside amusement park with fairground rides as that’s what they know and sadly it’s clear that the park isn’t going to be restored to any kind of glory under their ownership.

Perhaps their plan wasn’t so much as to invest the park for its long term future and build it up but rather to buy it cheap during the Covid era (they paid £5 million for it), keep it ticking along, and then sell it on for a big profit once the market picks up. I really, really hope that’s the case, it’s such a waste in their hands. Mind you though they have installed an excellent chip shop there, which I suppose really shouldn’t be a surprise given there background.
 
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Shaggy_Dog_ said:
I don’t want the see the park fail but I’d love to see it sold to a group that really can make a go of things, it’s a lovely site for a theme park. My concern when Blackpool Pier Group took over was that they were just going to transition it in to the equivalent of a seaside amusement park with fairground rides as that’s what they know and sadly it’s clear that the park isn’t going to be restored to any kind of glory under their ownership.

Perhaps their plan wasn’t so much as to invest the park for its long term future and build it up but rather to buy it cheap during the Covid era (they paid £5 million for it), keep it ticking along, and then sell it on for a big profit once the market picks up. I really, really hope that’s the case, it’s such a waste in their hands. Mind you though they have installed an excellent chip shop there, which I suppose really shouldn’t be a surprise given there background.
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Blackpool Pier Group???
 
Controversial opinion but I thought the bleeding thing was awful. So rough and uncomfortable and barely any air time moments.

It was a long ride but wasn't a good one.
 
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