I don't know what it is, but I'm really struggling to multitask commitments at the moment. I started a Degree Apprenticeship in May and have settled in far better than I expected. I have a fear of education following a terrible experience at school and years since of being looked down upon so this is a big thing for me to prove all the doubters, which include myself, wrong.
Despite my highest qualification to date being a solitary C-grade GCSE from the 1990's, my second and third uni assignments were graded as 72% and 70% respectively, which my tutor has told me is virtually unheard of so early on in this course, especially for someone with my low academic ability. So I should be bouncing around jumping for joy. But the problem is that delivering those grades involved my hallmark obsessive nature, where failure was not an option and nothing else mattered. It's how I've behaved my whole career to date as I've always had to put that extra effort in to make up for the mistakes of the past.
But I'm now exhausted. I haven't even started my next assignment yet and keep putting it off. My work responsibilities have suffered and I'm now trying to pick up the pieces and recover things as we head into Christmas trading. Any retail manager will know that it's not a job where you can clock in and clock out, you're attached to the role 24/7 365 and you finish when the job is done. You shirk around and take time for yourself when times are good, you go hell for leather and do nothing else when times are challenging. Making matters worse, to stay on the programme I need to achieve a level 2 qualification in my arch nemesis subject Maths as I didn't achieve a GCSE grade C in this at school and level 2 Maths and English are a requirement. May sound trivial to most normal people but achieving anything in Maths is a big struggle for me. So I've been an idiot and avoided it for a month.
Not sure what to do. I used to have so much energy and passion. I can run any store in the country. It now seems like I can actually write academically as well after all these years of fear and doubt. But I'm now starting to doubt that it's actually my abilities that drive this, it's obsessive behaviours. Feeling tired and conflicted as I have serious issues to deal with work wise, but I can see myself getting behind with my studies. I shouldn't even be posting on this forum right now, I should probably be writing my next assignment, but I just want to whack the PlayStation on and have an early night so I can go to work earlier tomorrow.