GCSE’s. I can tell you a lot about quadratic equations, Britain's turbulent post-war rebuilding efforts, write a pretty good essay, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.
Cool. Some of this stuff is even pretty interesting.
However, I’m slowly starting to forget how to do.. like.. human things. Like holding a conversation. Or eating. As a person thats a tinge on the spectrum, I struggle with these things normally. I’m absent minded by default. I forget things I don’t really care about.
But really, all those things have been dialled to eleven as of recent. I’ve been basically doing an extra period after school for revision, and man, I just back home and crash and burn. I sit on my bum and just look at my phone for hours. It’s bad! I can’t even sculpt anymore. That’s the one thing I’m good at doing! I’m even getting behind on homework because I’m so exhausted.
For every step I get better at poem analysis, I can feel my comedic skills rusting a freezing. It’s not like the bright and jolly circumstances the world is in currently is helping, either.
I’m genuinely question how well I’m going to cope with the “real world”. To be frank, no-ones really sold it to me. Because of the struggle with my studies and pretty frequent thoughts of my own mortality, I don’t know if I can feasibly work a normal 9-5 job and keep sane. I don’t know if I will be able to cope with being a mere number-crunching cog in a pointless machine we call a “business”.
Im not a doozer! Im a fraggle! Ive got far more pressing matters than money or work or commuting, like making weird little creatures out of clay. Like, get this; one day I’m just going to straight just close my eyes FOREVER. Im sure it’ll be very nice and relaxing, eternity will come around pretty quick and someone’s gotta feed the worms, blah Dee blah. But I get to do absolutely nothing! That’s so boring!
Even weirder, it seems everyone else around me is either getting on with/preparing for a job that they only pretend to care about, so they can have enough pieces of metal and plastic and digital numbers to gain possessions like a “fancy car”. And they keep doing this until their heart stops beating and they are thrown in a little hole and forgotten about in like 3 generations. They act like they’re going to live forever!
Everyone keeps on talking about “investing and retiring at 30”, I get ads about investing at I’m fifteen years old! I don’t care! I don’t think having a great excess of funny little coins in a ceramic pig are going to seem all to important as I get to enjoy breathing for the last few times. I don’t want to die and just think I’ve been used as a tool for my whole life. I want to think that I’ve done something that pleases people instead of a pie chart, and make people laugh and have fun instead of make people a little more bank.
I mean my parents jobs look like my own living nightmare! My dad spends a lot of time at work, has his laptop out almost all the time doing work, and he’s only off for a tiny portion of the year. And what makes me feel especially bad about saying all this is that I know he is doing it for me and my siblings, so that we can have opportunities to learn stuff and try and succeed in our lives. And sometimes I’m too tired from my - in comparison- petty work to hold a proper conversation with him after he has done so much more work in a day than I do in two. It’s like a dung beetle saying he’s tired to SISYPHUS.
Am I inherently a greedy person for wanting to do something that isn’t going to give my possible future family the best financial edge so I can have a job that inevitably pays less that I enjoy a lot more?
Don’t panic; either way I’m sure there will be some nice things to look forward to whichever way I spin it. It’s not like my polymer clay is going to evaporate, every church organ I touch falls apart instantly or Efteling is going to be swept away in a freak tsunami from a nearby oxbow lake.
I also quite enjoy eating food and breathing fresh oxygen.
Ugh. The brain fog is real. I’m very lucky I have some pretty lovely things to look forward over half term and my long summer holiday after I finish secondary. Aye yie yie.
Enjoy my Wikipedia page of a vent piece. That’s why I haven’t been around here for a bit. I feel better already about it to be honest.
If you don't mind me saying, you don't post like a 16 year old. I find your posts quite interesting, well written, and entertaining. You seem to have your head screwed on, so I wouldn't worry and would suggest that it's just mind talk.
I have a son in year 11. Clever lad, doing well, and feeling under pressure. He spends most of the time withdrawing in his bedroom with bloody headphones on, is always rude to me, acts entitled, criticises me all the time, and has is own little ways. But you know what? I still love him like the day he was fresh from the womb. He doesn't get into trouble, he doesn't harm anyone, he's a top lad at school, and really puts me to shame at that age.
So if he doesn't like me now, so what? He's hormonal and under pressure, it'll pass. He'll never talk to me, but he opens up to mum. He thinks I'm a clumsy idiot, but "dad does a lot for us. He works really hard to give us a good life". He loves me, and if your folks are worth their salt, they'll understand. Trust me.
You've got a lot on your plate right now mate. You were only born 5 minutes ago, but you're about to put the big boy pants on soon, and before you do that you've got your first big life altering challenge. There will be plenty more of these to come, and bigger ones too. But when you think of it like this; 2008/2009 was like yesterday to much of us. But in that time, you've gone from barely being able to open your eyes, to turning into an adult with a brain full of knowledge. You'll never achieve such a rapid change for the rest of your life. We've all been there, and it isn't pleasant.
Lessons I've learnt from going through it myself, raising kids to that age, and employing countless school leavers and grads:
1. Teenagers are intelligent and more advanced than we give them credit for. We expect them to act "like adults" and knuckle down. But also expect them to do as they're told and abide by social norms. We restrict their freedoms. Then you're told that the next few months is make or break. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, and I bet your loved ones understand.
2. Once you're free from secondary education, it's extremely liberating. Although the academic standard required increases, they'll lay off you a bit in college or sixth form, you'll be trusted and treated more like an adult. You'll be surprised how much you'll change by the time you finish year 13.
3. "9-5" doesn't really exist. It's an old fashioned stereotype. Over 60% of the workforce don't work in jobs stereotyped in adverts and by school careers advisors. Get over that now to avoid future disappointment. The money is where the shit is. Always will be. Don't put pressure on yourself to have a grand plan of fitting societal stereotypes. Sounds like you're intelligent and knuckling down with your GCSE's. They're little more than a ticket to A Levels and no sod will look at them ever again. Your A Levels are your tickets to university, and no sod will ever look at them again either. Don't do anything too specific at university, do something you're good at, interested in, and can be applied to a broad range of industries.
4. Related to the above, get over any plans you have of waltzing out of education and walking in to your dream job. It rarely ever happens. I'd be a rich man if I was paid for every time one of my younger staff came fresh out of uni, realised the world wasn't what they were expecting, saddled with debt, and getting all depressed about it. Almost all of them (the good ones anyway) either quickly put their heads down and got promoted, or got their dream job eventually. You know why? They had the education and a kick ass reference from me about how awesome they were, the full package for prospective organisations. Employers took them over the entiteled tossers who had walked out expecting their dream job to land on their lap, or had dossed around for a couple of years waiting for employers to knock on their door.
5. Don't worry about a full-time career yet, have an outline plan only. You'll be surprised by seeing how much your bank balance increases by every month in any old job at a young age acts as an incentive . The pressure will remain on your studies, whereas work will just be turning up on time and grafting. Going to college? Work a minimum wage job in a chippy or something like that whilst you're there. Going to uni? Get a nice little bar or supermarket job. Never be late, never go sick, enjoy the social aspects, and cash in. Don't ever let it jeopardise your studies, but it's a win win situation. Employers get a good employee for a few years, you get experience, stuff to fill the CV up with, and money in the bank. Trust me, work isn't like school. A hard working employee is worth their weight in gold and normally treated well. Worry about how you'll adapt to your chosen career path in the future, you have so much time right now. You could still be a good 10+ years away. And by that time, you won't have education or family commitments to worry about (unless you get someone up the duff!), plus you'll be older and wiser.
I completely understand where you are coming from right now pal. I fluffed it and gave up when I was your age and I've paid the price ever since, and now trying to rectify it at 42 when it's much harder (kids, mortgage to pay, the day job still needs to be delivered). I had the good fortune of growing up in an easier world than you, but you appear to have your head screwed on much tighter. You have time on your hands mate.
Don't worry about the brain fog, you're focused on what needs to be done right now. A few months in your life is a lot longer than a few months in your parents life. Soon, it'll be all over and you'll be ready for the next challenge. And they get easier and easier when you get older. Summer will be here in no time.
It may not seem like it right now, but this is the beginning and not the end. First big step of thousands more. You'll be fine, you're not the finished prodct yet. Just get through it and make sure you tell us lot all about it! I look forward to all the gloating!
