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The I Feel Down Topic.

Matt, you're clearly a very intelligent young man and not at all incompetent! Sounds like a case of imposter syndrome, which is not unusual, but you can't just chance it quite as far as you have so far. You'll be absolutely fine at the uni for your MSc.

As for living at home, I am 32 and still live with my parents. If people wish to judge me for that then that is their problem and not mine. Everyone's circumstances are different; living at home for some people is a non starter but for other it either works or is a necessity.
 
Matt N said:
Sorry if this is a slightly random post, but I’m just starting to feel a bit worried about the future this evening.

Yesterday, I enrolled onto my MSc course, which starts on 23rd September. Perhaps atypically, I made the decision to carry on in full-time university for another year for a variety of reasons. I thought that getting a more specialised, higher qualification might make me look more attractive to prospective employers in the career specialism I want to pursue, particularly seeing as the dissertation component of the degree offers the option to do your project in conjunction with industry. I also figured that another year of education couldn’t hurt seeing as I eventually grew to really enjoy my time in university (albeit it definitely took time to settle in). But as I grow closer to starting and the whole thing gets more real, I’m starting to get increasing trepidation. I’m starting to ask myself; have I made a terrible decision by choosing to stay in university for another year? I’m starting to increasingly question whether I’ve made the right choice, and I’m also worried because I’ve actually chosen to move university for my postgraduate degree as well.

The university I’m doing my MSc at is ostensibly a bit of an “upgrade” over the one I did my undergraduate degree at; I’m doing my MSc at a Russell Group university, whereas I did my undergraduate BSc at an ex-polytechnic university with little prestige on a national or international level. Despite getting first class honour’s in my undergraduate degree, I partially worry that moving to a more prestigious Russell Group university with higher standards might make the wheels come off my academic career and expose me for how incompetent I actually am. Despite what I’ve achieved in academia so far, I always have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I’ve just been lucky or chanced my way through life, that I haven’t deserved my academic achievements, and that I’ll eventually be exposed for how incompetent I really am, and I worry that going to a more prestigious university might be the thing that exposes this.

The other thing worrying me is thinking about the future more generally. With my undergraduate degree out of the way and it being only a year until my journey in full-time education is over (for a smorgasbord of reasons, I’ve already made the decision that I’m definitely not staying on at university even further and doing a PhD; the MSc will be my final year at university), I’m growing increasingly terrified about the future beyond the very immediate future.

For starters, I’m really scared about getting a full-time job; I’d be lying if I said that one of the reasons for doing an MSc wasn’t because I had some underlying insecurity about entering the job market straight after my BSc, and there’s a nagging part of my mind that always makes me feel like I wouldn’t be competent and skilled enough to last a second in a professional qualified career. In my head, I think that no matter how qualified I may be on paper, there will always be someone better suited to the job than me.

I’m also getting really scared thinking about some of the difficult questions and potential judgement I face in the years to come. For instance, I currently live at home with my parents. I’m perfectly happy here, my parents (outwardly at least) seem perfectly happy with me living here, and mum and dad have said that as long as I pay them a sufficient amount of rent when I enter full-time work, I can continue living here for as long as I wish. I’m happy with the arrangement and my parents also seem happy. But I fear that if I live with my parents for too long, society will judge me for it and I’ll be looked down upon. With this in mind, I feel like society will want me to move out and live on my own after a certain age… but I have some grave concerns about living on my own. Despite the fact I can do a decent amount around the house and I don’t think I rely on my mum and dad excessively, it’s the little things, like the fact that my mum still gave me a hand to fill up my car the other day (I passed my test back in June) or the fact that I sometimes have a tendency to forget about certain things, that make me concerned about my ability to live alone. Despite being quite an introverted person who often seeks solitude, feels burned out by too much social interaction, and is perfectly fine with my own company, I also think that living with other people is good for me because they keep me grounded in reality when I’m dwelling or stressed about something (my time in university has taught me that my mum and dad are excellent for this!), whereas I fear I’d spiral a bit if I lived on my own and spent too much time on my own.

The living situation thing is just one example of the difficult questions and judgement I fear I might face in the future; there are other examples too.

Sorry for the extended vent, but I think enrolling to my new university has made some of these worries feel very real to me.
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Oh Matt. Breathe. Love and accept yourself and others will too. You're afraid of change, everyone is, we're mostly creatures of habit and comfort. Well done on continually pushing yourself. I have every faith, sir, that you'll be very fine and dandy indeed.
 
And don't worry Matt, by the sound of things, with a bigger house, the other Matt will always be able to put you up after his kids have flown the nest if you need a move.

He is quite local to you.

And I love the expression living at home Rob...I know exactly what you mean...but we all do that!

Some of the happiest family groups I know have three generations under one roof.
 
What you are going through is just a natural worry.

We have built a society where money and property rule everything. I see job adverts claiming "earn up to £50k a year." In reality your starting at £18k and after 20 years and alot graft, you will be at that £50k stage.

We a programmed to see money as a reward for doing what we are told, towing the line and working ourselves to the bone. Looking round where I live. Social media really has an influence aswell. I see folks in new Mercedes, Audi's and BMW. Paying over the odds on PCP deals. Kids in the latest designer clothes, football kits with every tech object imaginable sat at home. The local kids football club is like premier league footballers. I can guarantee every adult at that club watching those kids has a money worry. No matter what you show to the outside world. Rent/mortgages, utility bills and food all need to bought. We all have that insecurities

I've managed people that when you say "can you work tomorrow....pay you overtime?" Not arsed. If I tell them, "get that done you can leave early." They will get working harder and work happier.

Do everything you can now. Speaking from experience, I wish I had. The rewards will come later. Focus on the now and getting that MSc. Life can wait.
 
Thank you all for your kind replies; they’re much appreciated.

To respond to a concern raised by @Matt.GC; I’m not doing an MSc to simply “avoid work”. I did want to get something out of the experience as well; if I had wanted to take “the easy route” and simply dodge full-time work for another year, I would have done the equivalent MSc at my undergraduate university, which would have kept me in a familiar environment and cost £5,000 less even before you consider my alumni discount.

I was reluctant to do an MSc for a while because I felt like I would just be “delaying the inevitable” so to speak, but I decided to do an MSc at the new university because I felt that doing a more specialised qualification and getting more advanced knowledge in said specialism might give me an edge in the graduate job market. The MSc I’ve chosen also offers the option to do a work placement during the dissertation component, which I thought might look good on a CV.

I have also got backup plans for future job seeking. My current idea for job seeking is to try applying for the big corporate graduate schemes first of all, and then apply for more cut and dry industry jobs on sites like Indeed or whatever if I’m unsuccessful at getting onto a graduate scheme. If all else fails, my thought was to get some sort of unqualified job to tide me over for a bit while I upskill further and then maybe try for the next intake of graduate schemes. I thought I could dare to dream and try for the bigger, more prestigious graduate schemes first as long as I have a backup plan in place and don’t put all of my eggs in one basket; if I practice hard for the assessments and interviews, then I don’t see why I couldn’t give them a go! My mindset is that I definitely won’t get in if I don’t apply…

I guess in general, I’m just scared about the future and the unknown. Despite being perfectly happy with my life and the path I’m taking, I also sometimes feel a bit worried that people will be disappointed that I haven’t made more progress in my life or that I’m not following a conventional path in some regards.

On Facebook, it feels like I constantly see posts from people I went to school with who are getting engaged, getting married, having children, buying houses and such. One person I went to school with is already married with two or three children and has his own house, I can think of a number of people I went to school with who are now engaged or married, and I can’t even count on two hands the number who either have a child or are currently expecting a child. My nan often reminds me that she was married with two children and lived abroad for my grandad’s career (he was in the army) at my age…

To be completely frank, I have absolutely no interest in a lot of these things. I have no interest in dating or getting into a long-term relationship, and I don’t want kids. I’m very happy being a single person living at home and studying for my future career, and my future goals are more focused on my career and making myself self-sufficient and able to be alone and do things on my own (like travelling to the various worldwide theme parks on my bucket list!). But I worry that if I don’t do things like dating or kids, people will judge me and be disappointed in me for not following the accepted normal life path, even though a single life more focused on a fulfilling career and my own hobbies is what would make me most happy.

You only have to look at the way the Republican Party have demonised Kamala Harris and those in the Democratic Party to know that single, childless people are not looked on very highly by wider society; Donald Trump’s running mate JD Vance referred to childless women like Kamala Harris as “crazy cat ladies”, and I don’t think single, childless men are viewed much better. The common derogatory stereotype seems to be that single, childless men are all pedophiles… it’s that sort of judgement from society that I’m concerned about as I get older and follow a less typical path. I’m also concerned about disappointing my family and people close to me; I worry that they’ll want me to give them grandchildren or whatever and be disappointed in me if I pursue my own dream of a single life centred around my hobbies and a fulfilling career.

I apologise for repeatedly venting, particularly as that came out a lot longer than I was expecting, but even though I’m very happy with my life and the way things are headed, I’m concerned about people judging me or stigmatising me as I get older and follow a less typical life path. I am quite thin-skinned, and I know that, but I can’t help but be concerned about the way my life choices and goals might be judged by others in the years to come and about disappointing my family and people close to me.
 
I think the worst thing you could do Matt would be to do the things you really don’t want to just because you think your family or people you don’t know judge for it.

The best thing you can do is be the best happiest Matt you can be. And if your best, happiest Matt is single and child free, living with his parents and studying something he’s passionate about, then that’s good enough.
 
Matt, you have nothing to apologise for here. I was comparing myself to people from school for ages. Ended up stopping because I just realised it was never going to happen. I'm still living with my parents at the age of 31 (though not for too much longer), I'm not married (yet), I don't have kids (and I'm not planning on having any)...and you know what? I'm fine with that. I'm not worried that I'm not following some of the accepted conventions. So what? I just want to finish my OU degree (got two years left), earn money in an industry I love, spend time travelling and visiting more theme parks, FINALLY get a pet of my own, start living with my boyfriend...Yeah, I'd be pretty happy with that!
 
Why anyone would want to live their life trying to please others is beyond me. How do you know those that are married with children aren't wishing they went to/stayed on at university? I know I certainly did.

Again Matt, and you need to hear this, this has absolutely nothing to do with whatever you just said, that's just a few paragraphs of unsubstantiated waffle. It's self confidence yet again that's the root cause. It's easy to tell when you do this because when you're trying to prove an argument, you articulate facts and figures that can't be argued with. This is just nonsense mind talk again, and we've all been there. It's not rational.

You could insert this into any scenario. My bullying driving instructor makes me feel like a looser (but it wasn't true was it?). I don't want people to see me on kiddie coasters (who cares?). Someone I went to school with has a house and kids (probably faking how happy they are, and could even be jealous of you). I don't want people to judge me, etc etc.

That's what you need to deal with. If you were some yobbo or criminal, a layabout, or an all round bad dude, then you should worry. But if you're not harming anyone, why on earth do you care what other people think of your life choices and abilities?

This is what worries me about youngsters growing up in this nasty social media age. Pressure about trivial stuff fed into your pocket constantly. You do know that people put on social media facades to fake how happy they are right? None of this stuff matters. If you think about it logically, all you are to employers is useful labour, until you cost too much and they give you the heave ho. All you are to the state is a vote. All you are to a businesses is a walking bank account from which they want to extract money from. All you are to the man and woman in the street is just another person. It's only those that care about you that you need to worry about, and even that has limits (elderly family members can show a massive lack of understanding of the modern world).

So what if Bob Smith from school has kids and recently went to Turkey to have his teeth done and sees you wearing trainers he wouldn't be caught dead in? What impact does that have on your life whatsoever? He's not you is he?
 
I’ll be honest straight off the bat and say I haven’t searched through all the thread to see if this has already been mentioned, but, in work this week we’re having lots of presentations about well being, mental health etc and one yesterday really resonated with me.

A representative of Andy’s Man Club gave a talk about how they were formed and what they do, and I wondered if maybe some of our members might benefit, especially during closed season when things can get a bit meh.

It is men only, they meet across the country on Mondays at 7pm and they do online meetings for those who prefer or can’t get to a physical one.

Having struggled with mental health since a teen I know how desperate things can seem and I hate to think of anyone struggling alone with dark thoughts. So in case it helps any of our male members (arf) thinking of posting here, or just generally needing a bit of a chat, have a look for Andy’s Man Club and it might help.

Andy's Man Club | #ITSOKAYTOTALK

ANDYSMANCLUB are a men’s suicide prevention charity, offering free-to-attend peer-to-peer support groups across the United Kingdom and online.
andysmanclub.co.uk andysmanclub.co.uk
 
Actually devastated I missed out on waving the banner for the crazy cat ladies referred to above; I have one chosen cat and one acquired cat (he moved himself in) and no children. I'll fight anyone who says that's a poor choice in life - I'm having a great time, thank you very much!

@Matt N we're a few weeks down the line since your post and I hope you're doing okay. Stay in tune with your mental wellbeing and look after yourself.

The world of work is scary, nobody is going to roll the turd of life in glitter and tell you otherwise. Greet the transition with open arms as an opportunity to learn. You'll learn new language, new ways of forming relationships, new power dynamics, new general life skills. Well established people in the world of work will encourage you, and support you through it. Also, you've always got this topic to come back to and vent!

I too live by the words kindly shared by @AT86 . Everyone has opinions, but those opinions are none of my business and they don't pay my bills.

I actually came here to share that I just read, and tweaked, the wording for the celebrant to read at my mum's funeral on Monday. It made me cry.

I just wanted to reflect that even when going through some life events which are tougher than others, I recognise I've found my tribe with you people and I felt safe to share my current situation.
 
Sazzle said:
Actually devastated I missed out on waving the banner for the crazy cat ladies referred to above; I have one chosen cat and one acquired cat (he moved himself in) and no children. I'll fight anyone who says that's a poor choice in life - I'm having a great time, thank you very much!

@Matt N we're a few weeks down the line since your post and I hope you're doing okay. Stay in tune with your mental wellbeing and look after yourself.

The world of work is scary, nobody is going to roll the turd of life in glitter and tell you otherwise. Greet the transition with open arms as an opportunity to learn. You'll learn new language, new ways of forming relationships, new power dynamics, new general life skills. Well established people in the world of work will encourage you, and support you through it. Also, you've always got this topic to come back to and vent!

I too live by the words kindly shared by @AT86 . Everyone has opinions, but those opinions are none of my business and they don't pay my bills.

I actually came here to share that I just read, and tweaked, the wording for the celebrant to read at my mum's funeral on Monday. It made me cry.

I just wanted to reflect that even when going through some life events which are tougher than others, I recognise I've found my tribe with you people and I felt safe to share my current situation.
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Whilst I'm glad to read of your safety and comfort with your found tribe, I extend my greatest sympathies to you and your family at what must be a very difficult time. Please read this message knowing that everyone here is sending their best, and warmest, wishes to you,

🪿
 
Sazzle said:
Actually devastated I missed out on waving the banner for the crazy cat ladies referred to above; I have one chosen cat and one acquired cat (he moved himself in) and no children. I'll fight anyone who says that's a poor choice in life - I'm having a great time, thank you very much!

@Matt N we're a few weeks down the line since your post and I hope you're doing okay. Stay in tune with your mental wellbeing and look after yourself.

The world of work is scary, nobody is going to roll the turd of life in glitter and tell you otherwise. Greet the transition with open arms as an opportunity to learn. You'll learn new language, new ways of forming relationships, new power dynamics, new general life skills. Well established people in the world of work will encourage you, and support you through it. Also, you've always got this topic to come back to and vent!

I too live by the words kindly shared by @AT86 . Everyone has opinions, but those opinions are none of my business and they don't pay my bills.

I actually came here to share that I just read, and tweaked, the wording for the celebrant to read at my mum's funeral on Monday. It made me cry.

I just wanted to reflect that even when going through some life events which are tougher than others, I recognise I've found my tribe with you people and I felt safe to share my current situation.
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Thanks for the support @Sazzle; I’m also very sorry to hear of your loss and send my sincerest condolences. I hope you’re doing OK.

Since I posted in here nearly 2 months ago, I’ve been reflecting on why I’m so scared to move into the professional world. I was speaking to my dad about it the other day, and I think what he said was right.

He said to me that his suspicion was that I feel like I need to be 100% qualified for any job I apply for, and that I feel like people in any job will treat me as someone who’ll have all the answers for them, and I’m scared because I don’t feel 100% qualified and I know I won’t have all the answers.

In a way, I think he’s exactly right. For years, my idea of going into a job has been that I’d simply be shown to a desk and then just told to “sling [my] hook and get on with it” and do things completely on my own, and be expected to know how to do absolutely everything from day one without any kind of instruction. For this reason, I’ve long been scared that going into a job would reveal to me that I’ve just been lucky in all I’ve attained in academia and education so far and managed to chance my way through, and that I’m far too incompetent to function in the professional world.

I don’t know if anyone on here would agree with this, but my dad told me that my idea of starting a first job could not be more incorrect. He said that I’ll be trained and supported thoroughly, and it’s more likely that I’ll find work mind-numbingly boring in the initial weeks and months due to how easy the tasks are and how much I’m micromanaged. My sister, who made her own leap into the professional world last September, seemed to agree with him.
 
Matt N said:
I don’t know if anyone on here would agree with this, but my dad told me that my idea of starting a first job could not be more incorrect. He said that I’ll be trained and supported thoroughly, and it’s more likely that I’ll find work mind-numbingly boring in the initial weeks and months due to how easy the tasks are and how much I’m micromanaged. My sister, who made her own leap into the professional world last September, seemed to agree with him.
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You will either be trained and supported fully, or thrown into the deep end and falter, like I did with my first ever job out of uni. In the case of the latter, you chalk it up to experience and realise that we're essentially set up to fail. No one is an expert on Day 1, not even doing something they've been doing professionally for 40 years and changing companies. Everyone has to learn the new process, the specific way of doing things, everyone starts from the ground up. Once they have a base level of understanding, for process, that's when your university training kicks in.

Have a little bit more faith in yourself Matt. We all certainly do.
 
As a man who has struggled with my body image for the majority of my adult life. imagine my reaction when my partner calls me at 01:30 in the morning to ask "if you meant to upload that picture to your story?"... Logged onto Facebook to find I'd fallen asleep with my phone in my hand and posted a full posed rear body shot of myself in my boxers I'd taken earlier in the day for gym progress! mortified doesn't even half cover my emotions right now. quickly deleted and I just KNOW I'll see the funny side of it in the future, but right now? I'm not feeling too hot in more than one way!

Do I post a follow up story explaining it or just own it if anyone asks and laugh it off...
 
If it makes you feel any better it sounds like you posted it quite late at night, I doubt many people saw it. I personally forget that they even have a Story feature in the first place, that bit at the top is just invisible to me.
 
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