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The I Feel Down Topic.

I changed careers in November, I didn't realise how Anxious I get at the slightest of changes.

I now drive HGV's and if it's not clear as to the route, if it's .somewhere new. I panic. Not to mention the pressure of the Tacho timings. Time pressure has always been an issue for me.
 
Well done on the job shift mate.
With the state of the roads, traffic and temporary lights in abundance, you have my absolute respect.
I often resort to turning round and going to another job, or planning my whole day around avoiding peak traffic...options you don't have.
 
I’ve been putting off posting because this feels quite personal. However opening season just feels like a kick in the teeth right now. I’m so bloody fed up.

I’ve been unwell for months now and there’s seems no end in sight.

I’ve missed the Halloween season. I’ve missed Christmas (I had a weeks annual leave booked and I’d saved up hoping to go to somewhere in Europe).

And now theme parks are open again and I’m still not well enough to go anywhere.

I’m trying to be thankful. It’s nothing life threatening and there are people far worse off than me. But it’s still rubbish. Occupational health are going with a working diagnosis of Pots but I’m still waiting for cardiology to get an official diagnosis so can’t get a rap yet.

Work wise I’m on very limited duties. I’m lucky as a nurse that my role is 50/50 admin/clinical so I have been able to return and make it work to some extent. But I keep pushing myself too much because I feel guilty that I’m not pulling my weight.

I’m only working 6 hrs a day but I have absolutely nothing left after work. Im beyond exhausted even with very light duties. I’ve also had to cut my hours so there’s a financial impact.

All the things I enjoy, walking, gardening, theme parks; I just can’t do right now.
I was planning to do a Europe trip in May. Not gonna happen now.

I feel ill all the time. And I can’t do anything nice. I just want to cry.
 
Cheers Rob.

I've said before on this forum somewhere, long ago. Now I've reached the age 40, the discussion around mental health has changed massively on the last 10 years. I can see parts of my life where, in hindsight, I was behaving in a way that I don't understand now. Think I was depressed. Life wasn't going how I wanted. Mates got jobs that I know I could do, because of my (at the time) undiagnosed dyslexia. Couldn't get near. Bottled uni because I knew my reading and writing was poor, struggled to know what to do due to very bad career advice from school and mum.

When I moved out of home and was stuck in a dead end job.I would consume Towers theming on you tube. Played LMA manager constantly when I was alone at home.

Now I know, listening to podcast and reading this forum, I can see others struggle too. Even when they have the breaks and talent, I dont have.

BEing anxious or depressed, is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone is. Those who say they aren't are lying. My major advice, make sure you open up to someone. In person, on here. Anywhere.
 
DistortAMG said:
So, on Saturday evening, I had the misfortune of finding my best friends dad dead.

Upon finding him, my friend performed CPR, while I went down the street to get a defibrillator, unfortunately it was clear very quickly, nothing could be done to save him.

Paramedics also within 10 seconds of arriving realised he was gone and nothing could be done.

He went peacefully in his sleep, in his own home, the best way, at 73 he lived a decent life.

I hope the events and that experience is something I don't experience again.
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I am so sorry that you've had that experience. My deepest condolences are with you and your friend.

I appreciate that sharing this is likely part of your first opportunity to process the trauma, at least in any way outside of your immediate circle that makes the events seem at least a little bit real.

In the coming days, weeks, months or even years, it's important that you acknowledge that you played no fault in the outcome. You cannot change the past. You should not play the "what if I turned up 5 minutes earlier?" game, because it is reductive and helps no one. If things start to feel overwhelming, please speak to someone.

Now is the time to grieve and to celebrate the life your friend's father lived. The joy that he brang to his loved ones. Please take care of yourself. We're here if you need us.
 
GooseOnTheLoose said:
I am so sorry that you've had that experience. My deepest condolences are with you and your friend.

I appreciate that sharing this is likely part of your first opportunity to process the trauma, at least in any way outside of your immediate circle that makes the events seem at least a little bit real.

In the coming days, weeks, months or even years, it's important that you acknowledge that you played no fault in the outcome. You cannot change the past. You should not play the "what if I turned up 5 minutes earlier?" game, because it is reductive and helps no one. If things start to feel overwhelming, please speak to someone.

Now is the time to grieve and to celebrate the life your friend's father lived. The joy that he brang to his loved ones. Please take care of yourself. We're here if you need us.
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Thank you, your kind words are very much appreciated.

It's going to be alot to process and it will take some time. I'm back to work tomorrow which is great, as it will allow me to focus my mind.

We absolutely will be celebrating his life, he will be missed by many.
 
DistortAMG said:
So, on Saturday evening, I had the misfortune of finding my best friends dad, dead.

Upon finding him, my friend performed CPR, while I went down the street to get a defibrillator, unfortunately it was clear very quickly, nothing could be done to save him.

Paramedics also within 10 seconds of arriving realised he was gone and nothing could be done.

He went peacefully in his sleep, in his own home, the best way, at 73 he lived a decent life.

I hope the events and that experience is something I don't experience again.
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Oh christ, so sorry to hear that. No idea what to say about this so I can only have my sympathies are with his family.
 
QTXAdsy said:
Oh christ, so sorry to hear that. No idea what to say about this so I can only have my sympathies are with his family.
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Much appreciated. The man had battled with a stroke, heart attack and a successful triple heart bypass all within 12 months. But his time had obviously arrived on Saturday.
 
I’m so sorry @DistortAMG; that’s awful. As others have said, you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened or pontificate over “what ifs”; you did all you could do in an awful situation.

I should add that if you ever need to talk, I’m always here to listen (and that extends to anyone else on here).

I also apologise if what I’m about to add seems like very small fry after that, but I was also going to vent a little myself.

The taught stage of my Master’s degree came to its close on Friday, and I’ve been feeling oddly melancholy about it ending ever since. I wouldn’t have said I was a hugely sentimental person, but whenever I think about the fact I won’t go back to another lesson in uni again, I feel oddly stirred up with emotion, and I felt really wound up about it as I was leaving on Friday.

I’ve enjoyed the course immensely, and feel like I’ve gained a lot from it. However, I’m not sure if it’s the Master’s specifically I’m sad about, seeing as I’ve been there only around 6 months, or the fact that it ending represents something more poignant in that it brings a close to my time in full-time education.

It feels like a chapter in my life is ending that I’m not sure I’m ready to end, and I’m absolutely terrified about the future. I feel utterly unprepared to enter the professional world. I fear that my impending MSc dissertation, and me trying to enter the professional world, will prove to me that everything I’ve attained up to this point has just been through luck and “faking it ‘till I make it”, that I’m completely incompetent, and that I’m not really cut out for a career in my chosen industry.
 
There goes your youth kid!
Good luck as an adult citizen...
I can still remember the strange fear driving back over the Pennines at the end of our study days, all our worldly goods in the back of a Capri, thinking, "Shit, I'm not ready for grown up yet."
Still not.
 
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I worked as a lifeguard, as my first job. 16. Luckily, In th 5 years, I never had to do CPR. I jumped in twice. I rescued many from the sides.

But I had first hand experience in dealing with those who have had to perform CPR. One lad I knew, did CPR on someone in the gym and, just like above, he was a friends dad. It ruined him for months. It will, I have often wondered, would he have been that way if it had been a stranger?

It's only recently when I went swimming at the pool I worked at, did i notice how young those who worked in that job are. The pressure on such young heads to be able to perform, in situations most adults couldn't deal with is scary. That baths is normal 25x12 pool. Imagine splash landings when it's busy. Crazy.

It sucks to be an adult.
 
Jonathan said:
It's strange how the death of someone who you haven't seen for over 20 years can still upset you, isn't it? Doubly so when the individual was only 36.
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I’m so sorry @Jonathan; that’s awful.

I don’t know if you’d agree, but I find that when someone close to you in age (your profile suggests you’re only 4 years younger than this person) dies, it adds an additional element of weirdness because it makes you reflect on your own mortality a bit. A year or so ago, someone I vaguely knew (in fact, I’d say “knew” is possibly a bit of an exaggeration… “knew of” might be more accurate) through going to secondary school together fell into the River Wye and died very unexpectedly. As I hardly knew the guy, I didn’t grieve or feel sad about it… but it made me feel a bit weird in that it made me reflect on my own personal mortality. I don’t know if anyone else has felt this or if I’m just strange, but it definitely made me think a bit.

I also think that circumstances play a part. I wouldn’t like to assume, but given that your individual was only 36, I’d take a stab that the circumstances probably had an element of unique unexpectedness or tragedy about them. I imagine that probably shocked you somewhat. Coincidentally enough, I attended the funeral of a family member (my great great aunt) today… and while sad, I didn’t think the funeral was an overly morose affair, and I think that’s in large part because she was almost 90, had lived a very long and happy life, and had been declining with dementia for a good couple of years, so there was almost an air of inevitability around her death.

My condolences once again go to yourself and any other affected individuals.
 
Matt N said:
I’m so sorry @Jonathan; that’s awful.

I don’t know if you’d agree, but I find that when someone close to you in age (your profile suggests you’re only 4 years younger than this person) dies, it adds an additional element of weirdness because it makes you reflect on your own mortality a bit. A year or so ago, someone I vaguely knew (in fact, I’d say “knew” is possibly a bit of an exaggeration… “knew of” might be more accurate) through going to secondary school together fell into the River Wye and died very unexpectedly. As I hardly knew the guy, I didn’t grieve or feel sad about it… but it made me feel a bit weird in that it made me reflect on my own personal mortality. I don’t know if anyone else has felt this or if I’m just strange, but it definitely made me think a bit.

I also think that circumstances play a part. I wouldn’t like to assume, but given that your individual was only 36, I’d take a stab that the circumstances probably had an element of unique unexpectedness or tragedy about them. I imagine that probably shocked you somewhat. Coincidentally enough, I attended the funeral of a family member (my great great aunt) today… and while sad, I didn’t think the funeral was an overly morose affair, and I think that’s in large part because she was almost 90, had lived a very long and happy life, and had been declining with dementia for a good couple of years, so there was almost an air of inevitability around her death.

My condolences once again go to yourself and any other affected individuals.
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I was down at my parents' place on Friday night, returning on Saturday due to church stuff on Sunday morning. While I was there, I went through the photo albums to try and find a photo I knew we had of this friend, and I managed to find it. It was somewhat bittersweet to see it, but it was still nice, and how they were in the photo was exactly how I want to remember them.
 
Jonathan said:
It's strange how the death of someone who you haven't seen for over 20 years can still upset you, isn't it? Doubly so when the individual was only 36.
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I’m very sorry to hear this. Death is scary. Especially when it happens so young. I like to think our species does have some innate compassion for each other, and that certainly can breach over 20 years easily. I wouldn’t say you are strange for feeling that; especially considering you were friends as kids. That’s a hugely developmental period of your life. You almost certainly affected them, and they probably did too. It would feel upsetting, grief is just love persisting after all. We often imagine feelings as these imaginary thoughts; a fault in our society, but they’re called feelings for a reason. You feel them. That’s important.

I believe a relative of mine has been going through a similar, if less extreme situation. Another student that went to her school died very suddenly on a motorcycle accident from a sudden hailstorm. Scarier, I remember seeing that sudden change in weather right from my window. It’s weird to think it killed someone. He was young too; a lot of my town has come to celebrate his life. My relative didn’t even know him too well, but you can tell it’s shocking and upsetting to them too.

I think the photo you have found is very sweet, I think you are navigating this Greif quite well. You’d want to be remembered in your prime wouldn’t you? Keep in check with your feelings. They are there for a reason, and you certainly aren’t in the wrong or strange for feeling that way. Greif is hard, but you will get through it.

Of course, condolences.
 
The reason we even knew each other in the first place was because our mums worked together in some early years group thing back in the 1990s in the Forest of Dean. I've probably known them for 30 years at this point, and probably the longest I've ever known and been in touch with anyone who isn't a family member or church-related.
 
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